We all want what’s best when it comes to the people we love. Many adult children struggle with the thought of their parents growing older, especially if their parents have health concerns that appear to be unaddressed. As an adult child your first instinct might be to get angry at your parent, or to demand that they get help. While it’s very understandable to be upset at what seems to be inaction or apathy on the part of your parents, it’s important to address your concerns without crossing any boundaries. Yes, it’s frustrating and upsetting to watch someone deal with a scary medical issue and not go after the help you know they need, but unless your parents are dealing with severe cognitive decline, there is a limit to how much choice you are going to have in the matter.
However, if you are thoughtful and careful with your approach, then you may find your parent more open to hearing your point of view. So, let’s get into how you can discuss health concerns with your parents without overstepping.
Investigate Your Own Feelings
Before you address your concerns with your parents it’s important to really dig into what emotions you are feeling, and what result you hope to achieve from your conversation with them. When it comes to our family, we can sometimes get overly emotionally involved, and come into a conversation really hot, instead of taking the time to think about how we’re feeling and how we can address something in a way that’s constructive. The reality is that most people don’t respond well to aggression, so if you come into the conversation with anger or blame, then it’s much less likely that you’ll be able to have a productive dialogue.
So, take a bit of time to think about what concerns you have about your parent or parents. Here are a few things to consider:
- What issue is my parent having?
- What consequences could result if this issue goes unaddressed?
- What solutions are available to help treat this issue?
- What will my response be if they propose an alternate solution or don’t want to address the issue at all?
That last point is particularly important, as quite often older adults might be resistant to change or getting help. And, even if they are open to a solution it might not be the one you had in mind. But, if you truly want to help your parent you have to go into this conversation with the knowledge that it might not go the way you want it to. You can issue orders to your parents, but it’s unlikely they’ll follow them and it’s very likely that interacting in that way will cause damage to your relationship.
So, before you speak to your parents, write down your feelings and take time to process them. It might also be helpful to speak with a therapist or a trusted loved one who you feel will be able to offer an unbiased opinion on the situation. Sometimes we all just need a bit of perspective.
Check in With Them First
Once you’ve checked in with yourself it’s time to check in with your parents! Yes, you might have a lot of genuinely good ideas about how you think they should manage their health, but don’t jump in expecting that you know all the details about their lives or how they’re feeling.
Even if you’re close with your parents it’s very likely that you haven’t shared every element of your life with them, so why expect that they would share every element of their lives with you? Many older adults might purposefully withhold medical issues from their children because they don’t want to scare or burden them. Plus, some older adults might fear losing their autonomy, and worry about what sharing health issues with their children might mean for their future.
Your parents might be scared, or they might be organized! You might discover that your parents have already had many discussions about aging and already have a solid plan in place in the scenario where they find themselves able to go about their regular routine without assistance. But, if you come in with all of your own ideas without giving them a chance to speak then they might not be inclined to share that information with you. So, to allow your parents the opportunity to share try something like this:
“Hi, mom/dad. I wanted to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind lately. I notice you seem to be struggling with X and I wanted to ask you how you’ve been feeling about it. What are your plans moving forward?”
Then, see if this gets them to open up. Of course, your parents might brush this question aside, but it’s important to give them an opportunity to speak before charging in with your own ideas. And, when asking these questions it’s crucial that you…
Listen
You might go into a conversation with the best of intentions, but it’s still very common to ask a question and then not really listen to the response. If you want to give space for your parents to tell you about their health issues on their own terms then you really have to be prepared to listen. This can be difficult to do when emotions are already high, which is why the first step on this list is so important for you to complete before you talk to your parents. If you’re up in your own head getting upset or just waiting for you to state your opinion then you’re not really going to hear what they’re saying, and you might miss something that you actually agree with!
Thankfully, Harvard Business Review offers some great tips on how to be a better listener. Some suggestions that they offer are:
- Ask questions. Ask even more questions than you think you need to. This helps you stay engaged in the present moment. Try to make sure your questions are to help you clarify your understanding, not to accuse your parents of anything.
- Minimize distractions. Have your conversation in a quiet and private place, and make sure you have addressed any pressing matters that you’re currently dealing with before starting, as you don’t want your mind to wander to other things while they’re talking.
- Don’t prepare responses while the other person is speaking. It can be tempting to want to prepare a response in advance, but let your parents have their say and then take some time to process how you’re feeling. In some cases you might even want to give yourself a few days to think about what they’ve said. When dealing with health issues it’s very unlikely that everything is going to be resolved in one day. Health is constantly evolving, and this is going to be an ongoing conversation, so there’s no need to rush your thoughts.
When you truly listen to someone else it shows respect. Take the time to listen and really make your parents feel heard and it’s much more likely that you’ll be able to have a productive and respectful conversation about the future. For other tips on how to be respective, check out this post by the University of West London.
Vocalize Your Concerns
Now that you have prioritized your parents feelings and given them a chance to speak, it’s appropriate for you to share with them what you are most concerned about. While you might have prepared what you are going to say in advance it’s also important to remain flexible. Upon asking them how they’re feeling they might have shared something with you that has changed your feelings on the subject, so make sure you’re still allowing yourself an opportunity to have your mind changed.
But, there’s a good chance your feelings still stand, and now is the time to tell your parents what it is about their health that is worrying you and what fears you have surrounding those issues.
Make sure to keep these comments factual and also about the personal impact it has on you. For example, saying “you’re so depressed and you’re going to end up totally falling apart!” sounds accusatory. Plus, unless you’ve discussed mental health many times before and your parent has used the term depression, it’s also making a lot of assumptions about how they’re feeling. Instead, saying something factual like, “I notice you haven’t seemed interested in socializing, and you mentioned you’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I’m worried you might be struggling with depression.” This uses facts and your own personal worries about the facts to get your point across. The latter statement also seems much more empathetic and supportive.
Chances are you are bringing up these issues because you love your parents and you just want them to be all right. If you make it clear that you’re bringing up these delicate topics out of love and concern then they might be more open to addressing them with you.
However, it’s important to not push too hard. It’s completely acceptable to bring up your concerns, but if your parents don’t want to address it then you can’t force them to. If they continually shut you down then you need to respect that, as difficult as it may be. Unless they are a danger to themselves or others, you can’t force them to get help that they don’t want.
Provide Options
If your parents are open to discussing health concerns, then it’s important to provide them with options. Demanding that they follow exactly what you want them to do or telling them that there’s only one way to handle something is not being respectful of your parents’ needs or boundaries. You can certainly share with them the course of action that you think might be the most useful or successful for them, but it’s important to still suggest a few different options for them to look into. Again, this is all about being respectful of your parents, and as an added bonus, it also shows them that you’ve put a lot of thought and work into addressing this issue. You would probably be upset if your parents, or anyone for that matter, ordered you about, so why would your parents respond well to it?
Prepare reading materials for your parents in advance, as it might be useful to leave it with them after your conversation so that they have time to digest it. Again, whatever issue you’re dealing with, it’s not going to be resolved in one conversation. And, it’s understandable that your parents might have some big feelings about making a major change like moving into an assisted living facility or giving up their driver’s license. Give them time and give them options.
Choose the Right Time and Place
Something else to consider when bringing up health concerns without overstepping is when and where to do it. You don’t want to ambush them at a party, or bring up an emotional topic in a public place where they might be embarrassed about expressing themselves in front of others. Show your parents respect by bringing up this topic in a private and quiet place that feels comfortable and safe.
You might even want to give your parents some warning by telling them that you want to sit down to discuss a sensitive topic with them, so that they can have a bit of mental preparation that you might be heading into a difficult subject. But everyone is different, so if you don’t think providing warning will be helpful, just make sure you’re choosing a time and place that won’t be disruptive to your parents.
Recognize They Can Make Their Own Decisions
This point can be the hardest for adult children to recognize, but your parents are their own people and are able to make their own decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. If it’s helpful just think back to when you were a teenager. You probably made lots of choices that your parents didn’t like, but you were figuring out your own independence and forging your own path. Well, older adults have been around a whole lot longer than you when you were fourteen, so chances are they have a good idea about what they need and don’t need in their lives. And, even if they don’t, what can you do about it?
It’s frustrating to feel helpless, but at the end of the day you do need to respect your parents’ decisions. Yes, it’s worth voicing your concerns, but if you have tried to get them to engage with you and received dismissal or anger in return then you need to know when to drop the subject. From there it’s up to you to decide what kind of relationship you can have with your parents that will make you feel comfortable even if they continue to deteriorate.
Of course, if it’s a case of severe cognitive or physical impairment then there may be times you have to intervene, but the rest of the time you need to know when to take a step back.
It’s always hard to see a loved one struggle, so these guidelines should help you navigate these difficult conversations. They might not go your way, but at least you’ll know you’ve done everything you could to support the people you love.
