It’s common for adult children to take on some degree of caregiving for their parents as they grow older. For some children it’s their way of giving thanks for all the support their parents provided to them throughout their lives. But, for children who live far away, figuring out how they can offer support to their parents without being physically present can often be difficult and distressing. It can be easy to feel like you’re not providing any support to your parents, and quickly become overcome with guilt.
Thankfully, there are many ways you can support your parents as they age, even if you live several states away. If you’re reading this then it’s already obvious how much you care, and for seniors, knowing that they have a network of people to support them is incredibly important. The following are some tips on how to navigate caring for your parents when you live far away from them.
Regular Check-Ins
There are so many ways to provide care to others. While it might seem like caregiving is all about being there to offer support with daily tasks, so much of a caregiver’s role is about companionship. Seniors often struggle with loneliness and depression, as they may have lost their spouse or community members, or have recently moved into new housing in a new neighborhood. The Mayo Clinic outlines how crucial socialization is for mental and physical health, which is why staying in regular contact with your parents is a great way to support their needs, even if you can’t be there in person. You can call via phone or video chat, and also remind them you’re thinking of them through email and text message. While the latter two shouldn’t be the sole method of communication, but it can be a great way to maintain contact during the week just to let them know that you’re thinking about them. It’s also a nice way to share photos and videos, and also give seniors who are less comfortable with technology a stress-free opportunity to practice interacting with their devices.
Routine can be very important for seniors, so it’s helpful if you are able to arrange a call at the same time each week. If not, then making an effort to find a good time for your next call at the end of the previous one is also a good option.
During check-ins make sure to ask about any changes to your parents’ physical and mental health and find out if there’s anything they are in immediate need of. This might look like helping them prepare for a doctor’s appointment or writing down a grocery list. However, while it’s important to check in about their immediate needs, don’t forget to also use this time to simply catch up and talk about joyful activities in their lives and things they’re looking forward to. This is a chance for you to connect with them in a meaningful way which again, is needed to help keep loneliness at bay. People want to know they are important and that they are on someone else’s mind. That’s a powerful way to be there for your parents – don’t underestimate that.
Set Up a Support Network
A good way to support your parents and also put your mind at ease is to make sure they have a support network in place in case of an emergency. This might look like having a friend, neighbor or other family member check in on your parents in person at regular intervals, to make sure they’re doing OK. It’s also a good idea to have a list of any medical professionals or close friends you should contact in case you suspect they need help or you aren’t able to get ahold of them.
Not only is this a good list for you to have, but it’s also helpful for your parents to think about the people in their lives who they can rely on, or help them build up a stronger support network if it’s feeling a little feeble. Sometimes we can forget to foster those relationships, so aging can be a good reminder of how important it is to maintain a robust support system.
Offer Research
If your parents are dealing with health issues, something that you can take on from afar is the research that often comes along with a diagnosis. While you can’t go to every appointment or help them pick up their medication, you can offer help by researching good specialists to visit, where to find a convenient pharmacy, and seek out and interview potential caregivers. Often this is one of the most overwhelming elements of dealing with health challenges, and can sometimes be the difference between someone choosing whether or not to seek help. Researching websites and making phone calls can lighten the load for your parents, and help reduce a lot of the stress and anxiety that can accompany aging.
If you do notice that your parents seem to be struggling a lot, especially with their mental health, then your first recommendation might be to visit Total Life, where they can access licensed therapists and counselors who have specific experience with seniors who are navigating issues such as grief, depression and difficult life transitions.
Make the Most Out of Visits
While you might not be able to be with your parents all the time, you can certainly make good use out of your visits. While you’ll want to be sure to make time for good conversation and enjoyable outings when you see them, a visit is also a good time to take care of some of the more urgent matters that are too difficult to organize when you’re not around. Here are some things to think about:
- Changes to their home – as people age they might require modifications to their home due to decreased mobility or the use of a cane, walker or a wheelchair. If they still live independently then this might necessitate some changes to their living space. This might include installing ramps and handlebars throughout their home, and making certain spaces larger and more accessible. Of course this is not necessarily work that you can or even should do yourself, but might be something you can organize with a contractor, and if possible oversee. Sometimes the changes might not have to be as big, but could still be useful. This might look like having timed lights for a parent who is forgetful so that they’re not spending excess money on utilities, or smart appliances that can shut off automatically. Changes to your parents’ home might even just look like moving some items to another room, or putting together some furniture that’s just a little bit too complicated for them to do on their own.
- Automatic payments – while setting up automatic payments for your bills might seem like a no brainer for you, for parents who grew up in a different generation, Tye Medical tells us that interacting with apps and technology in general might be completely overwhelming. Setting up automatic payments can help take the stress of keeping up to date with various bills off of your parents’ minds, and the knowledge that your parents are well taken care of will help you sleep better at night, too!
- Family/support network meetings – while it’s a good idea to always stay in touch with the agreed upon support network, a visit home is a great time to set up an in-person meeting so that all of you can discuss how things are going and figure out if there’s anything that’s missing.
- Help with that big project. Have your parents been planning to redo that fence in the backyard, or need to go to the garden center to pick up soil for the garden? Even if your parents are still fairly independent, there might be some tasks that are too much for them to handle on their own. So, before you come out to visit, have them jot down a list of a few things they’d like help with so that you can make a plan to get them set up until the next time you’re able to stop by.
A little note about going to visit your parents: It can be tempting to visit more often than you are capable of simply because you feel like you should be there. While it’s always nice to visit when you’re able, it won’t help anyone if you visit when you’re burnt out and overwhelmed. Instead, prioritize visiting only when you are able to commit the time and it won’t be a financial burden or a sacrifice to your work or family life. Look out for flight, train or bus deals, and make a solid plan on what your parents need help with so the visit doesn’t feel disorganized and hectic. That way you can give your all and really put your time to good use. Visits are great but all the other items on this list can be just as helpful as some of the things you’re able to do in person, so don’t forget that.
Share Responsibility
Are you one of many? Are your other siblings putting in the same amount of effort as you are in terms of caring for your parents? If not, it’s probably time to have a conversation about how each of you can equally contribute. Of course, there are going to be some siblings who don’t care to put in the effort, or for a variety of reasons are not able to, but in some circumstances it may simply be that your sibling does not understand the severity of the situation and would be more than willing to help if they knew.
Sibling dynamics can be tricky, and it can be easy to toss blame around and feel like someone else isn’t pulling their weight. However, nothing gets better if you don’t address it. If you feel like you’re carrying the weight of caring for your parents alone, then have an honest and judgement-free conversation with your siblings. Tell them your concerns and outline what you’ve been doing to care for your parents so far, and then together you can talk about how you can more equally share the load. Try to stay away from blame, as that’s likely to end in an argument.
Unfortunately there will be some people who will not be able to provide the support you need, and that’s never an easy pill to swallow. But, it’s better you find that out now and find ways to accept and adapt to that, then live for years in anger and resentment, hoping they’ll step up. Have the conversation now and find out either way. You might be pleasantly surprised!
Care Plan
Because you’re not in town there will obviously be some tasks your parents need help with that you can not physically provide them with, but you can help them set up the support they do need. This might look like helping them to find a suitable caregiver who can help them with errands, cooking or personal hygiene. This might be helping them find a housekeeper or a gardener or a handyman who can come fix that wobbly stair. Often seniors just need help with a little bit of maintenance so that they don’t fall behind, and you can help facilitate that. Classic Life Care outlines some good things to think about when it comes to senior care.
Easy Emergency Call
Something that might cause concern for you when far from your parents is the fear that they might experience a fall or another emergency at their home and not be able to easily call for help. Well, thankfully, there are several devices that can help put you and your parents’ minds at ease. This might be something like a watch, a button on a lanyard, or a button that is easily accessible somewhere in the house. PCMag compiled an excellent list of devices for just this purpose that you can look through to find a good fit.
Something else to consider is installing a home phone at your parents’ place if they don’t already have one. While a cellphone is a great way for them to stay connected wherever they are, a home phone is important in case of an emergency where they are unable to properly communicate or are experiencing panic. When you dial 911 from a home phone the operator is immediately given the correct address to send an ambulance to, something a cell phone can’t provide. This can make a big difference in a life or death situation.
At the end of the day, there’s always going to be some big feelings when dealing with aging parents. Remember, that very often the best support you can provide is simply a listening ear, and thankfully, you can do that no matter where you are in the world.
