When you take on the role of caregiver to a loved one it’s common to have the transition feel like a rollercoaster you don’t quite remember lining up to ride. A few months in you might not be able the last time you had a date night, let alone five minutes on your own. 

Although it’s completely normal to experience a transition period that feels a little hectic, it is important that you start to figure out what tools to employ in order to manage this new addition to your life. If you never have any time off to care for yourself or focus on that exciting project at work then it’s only a matter of time before you will begin to experience the warning signs of burnout, and once you reach that point it becomes even more challenging to adopt a healthy routine. 

Maybe you never planned to join the circus, but you’re here now. So, today let’s teach you how you can juggle work, family and caregiving without breaking a sweat. 

Regular Family Meetings

As soon as you decide, or are required, to take on the care of a loved one you should schedule a meeting with your family. That’s everyone you live with and other family members that might be involved with your loved one’s care.

At this meeting you should discuss the routine you plan to establish with your loved one, and what support other family members are able to contribute. This might look like them driving your loved one to appointments or being there for them during a meal. Support might also look like taking over some of the tasks that you might have taken charge of in the past, such as cooking dinner or doing the vacuuming. Figure out the elements of life that you need the most support with, and match that with the care and skills of the other people in your family. 

Importantly, make sure that these meetings are a regular occurrence. It’s easy for people to make promises they can keep, so it’s important that regular check-ins happen so that everyone stays on track. After some time you might also realize that you need some adjustments to the routine, or that something you thought you could do on your own requires some extra support, so you don’t want to just have one meeting to decide everything, instead, stay in constant communication. 

Keeping What’s Important to You 

When your schedule starts filling up it can be easy to let go of the things that you enjoy the most. You might feel like you don’t have time to go to the gym, or that it’s frivolous to spend time watching TV. However, if those are the things that bring you joy and help you feel balanced and calm, then it’s more important than ever that you make space for them in your life. 

Making time for these activities can help keep stress and anxiety at bay, which will make you a more patient and giving loved one, and a more enthusiastic and productive worker. Yes, it can be tricky to find the time, but even a little bit of doing something you enjoy is better than nothing at all. So make time for that walk, making cookies with your kid, or those relaxing morning stretches. You and everyone around you will be better for it. 

Sleep 

Sleep is one of the most important things we can do for our health. In fact, the University of Chicago reminds us that poor sleep habits can result in a wide range of health issues. This includes mental health problems such as depression and anxiety, high blood pressure, diabetes and weight gain. Poor sleep can also affect judgement. In some studies lack of sleep has been shown to have the same impact as consuming several drinks. When you’re handling the care of a loved one or making a difficult call at work the last thing you want is to have impaired judgement. The exhaustion and brain fog that accompanies lack of sleep can also make it much more difficult for you to engage in other healthy habits, such as eating well or exercising. So do yourself a favor and prioritize getting a good night’s rest. Here’s a few things to think about to optimize your zz’s:

• No screens an hour before bed. Instead turn to a book, a warm bath, some gentle stretches or a coming activity such as coloring. 
• Don’t eat any large meals before bed. If you find yourself hungry try to have something filling but small, and stick to mild foods. Good choices include oatmeal, peanut butter toast or a warm glass of milk with a little bit of honey. 
• Make your room comfortable. Try to keep your room tidy, as a cluttered room can make it difficult to sleep. You should also focus on making it cool and dark, two things that have been shown to help with sleep. A sleep mask and cooling sheets might make a good purchase. Finally, figure out if silence or a background noise is best to aid sleep. You might look into running an app with a calming sound like ocean waves, or if you prefer silence then buying a pair of earplugs might be in order. 
• Keep your routine. You might not want to get up at 6 on the weekend, but if that’s the time you get up during the week then sticking to that schedule will be the best for your sleep. Our bodies get used to a certain rhythm and they don’t like having that rhythm disrupted. Do your best to go to bed and get up at the same time every day and your body and mind will thank you.

Coordinate with Work 

Caregiving can turn your schedule upside down, and sticking with your regular work schedule may be incompatible with your new daily routine. While there may be times where you need to reschedule your family and caregiving responsibilities, it’s also worth having a conversation with management to see if any accommodations can be made for you. 

You might ask if there’s any possibility of working some days from home, or seeing if you can be scheduled in a way that you are out of the office earlier, or work longer days four days a week so that you can have an extra day off. You might even see if you can take a leave from work or organize some personal days. While of course asking for time off isn’t a long term solution, a few days to settle into this new routine with your loved one might be exactly what you need to feel comfortable.

Schedule 

If you didn’t rely on your schedule before, this is definitely the time to start! It can be easy to get overwhelmed with all the tasks, errands, meetings and appointments you need to keep track of when juggling work, family and caregiving, but keeping a schedule can help keep you focused, and will allow you to strategize on how best to balance all of your commitments with the things that bring you joy (see advice above). Every evening it’s a good idea to review your schedule for the next day to be sure you don’t have any conflicts, and most calendar apps also allow you to set reminders, which you can do days or hours in advance. This is a great way to make sure you don’t miss anything important. These alerts can also be used for enjoyable events like birthdays, so you don’t need to worry about missing a loved one’s special day because you were so focused on something else. 

When scheduling appointments don’t forget to account for the time it takes to travel in between locations. Consider how long the commute is as well as the time it might take to get ready, especially if taking the loved one you’re caring for who might struggle with mobility. 

Use Community Resources

It’s important to remember you are not alone in this challenging situation. There are so many adult children who are navigating the same challenges you are right now, and they might be very helpful to talk to so that you can gain valuable advice, or simply have an understanding listening ear.

Check out local support groups for caregivers. You can find further information on sites like this. You might also reach out to older adults’ homes or other caregivers you know. 

It also might be helpful to see what community services are available to the older adult you are caring for. There might be programming such as exercise classes, special events and even transportation that is available to them that would not only give them a little bit of independence, but might take a little bit of the weight off of you so that you can enjoy a break every once and a while. Many communities have a dedicated older adult center, which is a great place to begin your search for support.  

Lean On Your Support Network

No one should have to go through hard times alone. Make sure to reach out to friends and family for help when you need it. Whether that’s taking the older adult you care for out to dinner so that you can have a bath, or coming over to enjoy a beer at the end of the day. Stay in contact with the people you leave and be honest with them when you’re having a hard time. Psychology Today tells us that talking about our feelings out loud helps reduce stress and boosts our immune systems, something you could probably use right about now!

You also want to make sure that there’s a good support network in place in case of any emergencies with your family of the loved one you’re caring for. Have a plan in place for childcare, alerting your workplace, and reaching out to any important medical personnel who should be kept in the loop. 

Tend to Your Own Health

We touched on this a little bit when talking about getting a good night’s sleep, but you can’t forget the other crucial lifestyle habits that keep you healthy: diet and exercise. Yes, it’s understandable to want to come home and crash on the couch with a bag of chips and watch television, but ultimately that’s just not going to make you feel your best. 

Instead, try to focus on filling up on nutrient dense foods, and follow Harvard University’s advice for how to appropriately fill your plate: ½ is veggies and fruits, ¼ is whole grains, and ¼ is protein. While it’s OK to enjoy sweet treats, try to do so in moderation, and do your best to stick to water as your main form of hydration. It’s also totally OK to use a meal service. They are fast, convenient, and often offer high protein meals that are already appropriately portioned for your health. 

In terms of movement, some is better than none. Try to choose the stairs instead of the elevator, or commit to doing jumping jacks every time a commercial comes on while watching TV. Also, if working at a desk do your best to get up for a quick stretch at least every hour. 

Keep a Clean Space 

It may be tempting to let housekeeping slide when you’re busy, but skipping that hour or two of work might actually be making your mental health and productivity worse! RACGP tells us that clutter can negatively affect our brains, raise levels of stress, and make us more likely to procrastinate! This is not something you need when you’re already trying to juggle so many different things. 

Cleaning can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. Try setting a timer for five minutes each day, and commit to cleaning non stop for that time. You might even put on a long song and do the dishes, dust, clean the toilet or do anything else until that song is done. You might even make cleaning into a competition and offer a small prize to the family member who manages to get the most cleaning done throughout the week. You might be surprised at how much more likely kids are to do some cleaning if they know they’ll get a few bucks or a couple more minutes of screentime in return. 

Adjusting to this new lifestyle is going to take some time. You will almost certainly experience a couple of bumps on the road as you figure out your new normal, so be patient and kind with yourself and the people around you. Make sure to ask for help when you need it and try not to be too precious about your privacy. While of course it’s important to respect the privacy of the loved one you’re caring for, you shouldn’t pretend that it isn’t happening. You can explain you’ve taken on someone’s care without revealing their medical details. It’s important to do this because it’s difficult for people to help you if they don’t know what’s going on. Plus, sharing your difficult moments will likely make you realize that a lot of other people can relate – and it always feels better to know you’re not alone!

It’s common for adult children to take on some degree of caregiving for their parents as they grow older. For some children it’s their way of giving thanks for all the support their parents provided to them throughout their lives. But, for children who live far away, figuring out how they can offer support to their parents without being physically present can often be difficult and distressing. It can be easy to feel like you’re not providing any support to your parents, and quickly become overcome with guilt. 

Thankfully, there are many ways you can support your parents as they age, even if you live several states away. If you’re reading this then it’s already obvious how much you care, and for older adults, knowing that they have a network of people to support them is incredibly important. The following are some tips on how to navigate caring for your parents when you live far away from them. 

Regular Check-Ins

There are so many ways to provide care to others. While it might seem like caregiving is all about being there to offer support with daily tasks, so much of a caregiver’s role is about companionship. Older adults often struggle with loneliness and depression, as they may have lost their spouse or community members, or have recently moved into new housing in a new neighborhood. The Mayo Clinic outlines how crucial socialization is for mental and physical health, which is why staying in regular contact with your parents is a great way to support their needs, even if you can’t be there in person. You can call via phone or video chat, and also remind them you’re thinking of them through email and text message. While the latter two shouldn’t be the sole method of communication, but it can be a great way to maintain contact during the week just to let them know that you’re thinking about them. It’s also a nice way to share photos and videos, and also give older adults who are less comfortable with technology a stress-free opportunity to practice interacting with their devices. 

Routine can be very important for older adults, so it’s helpful if you are able to arrange a call at the same time each week. If not, then making an effort to find a good time for your next call at the end of the previous one is also a good option. 

During check-ins make sure to ask about any changes to your parents’ physical and mental health and find out if there’s anything they are in immediate need of. This might look like helping them prepare for a doctor’s appointment or writing down a grocery list. However, while it’s important to check in about their immediate needs, don’t forget to also use this time to simply catch up and talk about joyful activities in their lives and things they’re looking forward to. This is a chance for you to connect with them in a meaningful way which again, is needed to help keep loneliness at bay. People want to know they are important and that they are on someone else’s mind. That’s a powerful way to be there for your parents – don’t underestimate that. 

Set Up a Support Network

A good way to support your parents and also put your mind at ease is to make sure they have a support network in place in case of an emergency. This might look like having a friend, neighbor or other family member check in on your parents in person at regular intervals, to make sure they’re doing OK. It’s also a good idea to have a list of any medical professionals or close friends you should contact in case you suspect they need help or you aren’t able to get ahold of them. 

Not only is this a good list for you to have, but it’s also helpful for your parents to think about the people in their lives who they can rely on, or help them build up a stronger support network if it’s feeling a little feeble. Sometimes we can forget to foster those relationships, so aging can be a good reminder of how important it is to maintain a robust support system. 

Offer Research 

If your parents are dealing with health issues, something that you can take on from afar is the research that often comes along with a diagnosis. While you can’t go to every appointment or help them pick up their medication, you can offer help by researching good specialists to visit, where to find a convenient pharmacy, and seek out and interview potential caregivers. Often this is one of the most overwhelming elements of dealing with health challenges, and can sometimes be the difference between someone choosing whether or not to seek help. Researching websites and making phone calls can lighten the load for your parents, and help reduce a lot of the stress and anxiety that can accompany aging. 

If you do notice that your parents seem to be struggling a lot, especially with their mental health, then your first recommendation might be to visit Total Life, where they can access licensed therapists and counselors who have specific experience with older adults who are navigating issues such as grief, depression and difficult life transitions. 

Make the Most Out of Visits

While you might not be able to be with your parents all the time, you can certainly make good use out of your visits. While you’ll want to be sure to make time for good conversation and enjoyable outings when you see them, a visit is also a good time to take care of some of the more urgent matters that are too difficult to organize when you’re not around. Here are some things to think about:

• Changes to their home – as people age they might require modifications to their home due to decreased mobility or the use of a cane, walker or a wheelchair. If they still live independently then this might necessitate some changes to their living space. This might include installing ramps and handlebars throughout their home, and making certain spaces larger and more accessible. Of course this is not necessarily work that you can or even should do yourself, but might be something you can organize with a contractor, and if possible oversee. Sometimes the changes might not have to be as big, but could still be useful. This might look like having timed lights for a parent who is forgetful so that they’re not spending excess money on utilities, or smart appliances that can shut off automatically. Changes to your parents’ home might even just look like moving some items to another room, or putting together some furniture that’s just a little bit too complicated for them to do on their own. 
• Automatic payments – while setting up automatic payments for your bills might seem like a no brainer for you, for parents who grew up in a different generation, Tye Medical tells us that interacting with apps and technology in general might be completely overwhelming. Setting up automatic payments can help take the stress of keeping up to date with various bills off of your parents’ minds, and the knowledge that your parents are well taken care of will help you sleep better at night, too!
• Family/support network meetings – while it’s a good idea to always stay in touch with the agreed upon support network, a visit home is a great time to set up an in-person meeting so that all of you can discuss how things are going and figure out if there’s anything that’s missing. 
• Help with that big project. Have your parents been planning to redo that fence in the backyard, or need to go to the garden center to pick up soil for the garden? Even if your parents are still fairly independent, there might be some tasks that are too much for them to handle on their own. So, before you come out to visit, have them jot down a list of a few things they’d like help with so that you can make a plan to get them set up until the next time you’re able to stop by. 

A little note about going to visit your parents: It can be tempting to visit more often than you are capable of simply because you feel like you should be there. While it’s always nice to visit when you’re able, it won’t help anyone if you visit when you’re burnt out and overwhelmed. Instead, prioritize visiting only when you are able to commit the time and it won’t be a financial burden or a sacrifice to your work or family life. Look out for flight, train or bus deals, and make a solid plan on what your parents need help with so the visit doesn’t feel disorganized and hectic. That way you can give your all and really put your time to good use. Visits are great but all the other items on this list can be just as helpful as some of the things you’re able to do in person, so don’t forget that. 

Share Responsibility

Are you one of many? Are your other siblings putting in the same amount of effort as you are in terms of caring for your parents? If not, it’s probably time to have a conversation about how each of you can equally contribute. Of course, there are going to be some siblings who don’t care to put in the effort, or for a variety of reasons are not able to, but in some circumstances it may simply be that your sibling does not understand the severity of the situation and would be more than willing to help if they knew. 

Sibling dynamics can be tricky, and it can be easy to toss blame around and feel like someone else isn’t pulling their weight. However, nothing gets better if you don’t address it. If you feel like you’re carrying the weight of caring for your parents alone, then have an honest and judgement-free conversation with your siblings. Tell them your concerns and outline what you’ve been doing to care for your parents so far, and then together you can talk about how you can more equally share the load. Try to stay away from blame, as that’s likely to end in an argument. 

Unfortunately there will be some people who will not be able to provide the support you need, and that’s never an easy pill to swallow. But, it’s better you find that out now and find ways to accept and adapt to that, then live for years in anger and resentment, hoping they’ll step up. Have the conversation now and find out either way. You might be pleasantly surprised!

Care Plan

Because you’re not in town there will obviously be some tasks your parents need help with that you can not physically provide them with, but you can help them set up the support they do need. This might look like helping them to find a suitable caregiver who can help them with errands, cooking or personal hygiene. This might be helping them find a housekeeper or a gardener or a handyman who can come fix that wobbly stair. Often older adults just need help with a little bit of maintenance so that they don’t fall behind, and you can help facilitate that. Classic Life Care outlines some good things to think about when it comes to older adult care. 

Easy Emergency Call

Something that might cause concern for you when far from your parents is the fear that they might experience a fall or another emergency at their home and not be able to easily call for help. Well, thankfully, there are several devices that can help put you and your parents’ minds at ease. This might be something like a watch, a button on a lanyard, or a button that is easily accessible somewhere in the house. PCMag compiled an excellent list of devices for just this purpose that you can look through to find a good fit. 

Something else to consider is installing a home phone at your parents’ place if they don’t already have one. While a cellphone is a great way for them to stay connected wherever they are, a home phone is important in case of an emergency where they are unable to properly communicate or are experiencing panic. When you dial 911 from a home phone the operator is immediately given the correct address to send an ambulance to, something a cell phone can’t provide. This can make a big difference in a life or death situation.

At the end of the day, there’s always going to be some big feelings when dealing with aging parents. Remember, that very often the best support you can provide is simply a listening ear, and thankfully, you can do that no matter where you are in the world.