So, you feel like your parent could benefit from therapy, but you are worried about broaching the topic? Your fear is completely understandable. Although therapy has been shown to be remarkably effective in helping to alleviate mental health issues, according to Psychology Today there is still a lot of resistance to giving it a go. There are, of course, many different reasons for why some people are reluctant to try speaking with a therapist. This might come from a stigma they associate with seeking help. They might worry that others will look down on them or judge them. Your parent might also be in denial that they need any help or think that seeking out the support of a therapist might make them look weak. There are also worries regarding the cost, the work involved, and just a plain old fear of change.
It’s perfectly natural for people, especially older adults, to be scared of trying something new, especially something that they might have a lot of misconceptions about. But, if you feel that your parent could benefit from therapy then it’s well worth pushing against their reservations to encourage them towards something that could potentially be life changing. However, tackling this subject takes understanding and compassion, so let’s take a look at how you can best approach this subject matter without your parent shutting you down.
Normalize
Before you bring up the subject with your parent, try your best to normalize therapy in your everyday conversations. This isn’t about being sneaky, but bringing it up casually might help it seem a little bit more normal to them, and maybe even a little boring! If you bring up the idea of them going to therapy and it’s something you’ve never spoken about before then they might feel a little blindsighted, but if it’s something you’ve mentioned occasionally then the idea of them doing it might not seem so bizarre to them. Who knows, you bringing it up might make them curious enough to look into it on their own!
A great way to normalize therapy for your parent is by talking about your own experiences with it, or the experiences of your friends. Of course this doesn’t mean sharing any sensitive information, only something you or the people you know would be fine sharing publicly. If you think your parent could benefit from therapy then it’s highly likely you think that because you yourself did, so why not share that with them? Sometimes people can feel cornered by someone else, and as though there is something wrong with them. By sharing that it’s something you have experienced and it’s been helpful with battling your anxiety, depression, or just working through a tough situation, then it might help your parent see that therapy isn’t something they have to be scared of.
Another helpful way to normalize this subject is to talk about the celebrities who go to therapy. Many people look to celebrities for advice and trends, and for your parent, hearing that someone they admire has sought help might make them more inclined to do it themselves. You can find several articles that talk about which celebrities have spoken openly about therapy, such as this piece by Williamsburg Therapy Group.
Consider Time and Place
When thinking about sitting down with your parent for the conversation about therapy, you’ll want to plan out an appropriate time and place to do so. You should make sure you’re bringing it up in a private and comfortable environment so that they don’t feel attacked or unable to properly express themselves in response.
Talking to your parent in their or your home, while out for a walk, or in a private corner of a restaurant could all be good options. Also think about when you’re bringing it up. Are you pressed for time? Is your parent feeling particularly stressed about something? While you might be suggesting therapy due to stress, it’s still important to wait for a time when they’re more relaxed to bring up the topic. If they’re in a state of stress or panic it could be more likely that they get defensive and shut down your suggestion, whereas if they’re relaxed then they might be more open to the idea of trying something new.
Regardless of where and when you choose to bring up going to therapy, you should have some sort of plan about how you’re going to talk to them about it. No, you don’t have to prepare a memorized script, but do have an idea of your rough talking points. This brings us to our next point…
Be Specific
There’s obviously a reason why you think your parent should go to therapy, and it’s important that you share that reason with them. It might be tempting to remain vague, and just say that you think therapy would be helpful to them in general, but if you don’t give them a reason then it’s much easier for them to question why you would be bringing it up in the first place. Of course, even if you give a specific reason that doesn’t mean there’s any guarantee that they’ll go, but at least they can’t claim there is no reason for them to!
Language is particularly important here, as it can be easy for a loved one to become angry and defensive. When talking about sensitive subjects it’s very important to not get accusatory. Instead, talk about the impact their actions have on you and why you think they would benefit from therapy. For example, saying “I worry that you have seemed withdrawn recently, and I think therapy could help you get back to enjoying the things you love” would probably go over much better than saying something like “you’ve been super antisocial and I hate that!” One is coming from a place of worry and kindness, while the other, even if coming from the same place, reads as much more judgemental.
Of course, you know your parent best, so you are probably already aware of the kind of communication they respond best to, but it’s still important to prepare. Write down some of your concerns and how you want to address them. If nothing else, your parent will probably appreciate that you have been worried enough to bring up your concerns. Everybody wants to know that people are thinking about them.
Do Your Research
If you want your parent to get into therapy then it would be a wise idea to do some research on the topic so you can provide them with resources. Sometimes an older adult might be open to the idea of seeking help, but they don’t want to do the work to find that help on their own, so having all the information readily available to them can be incredibly helpful.
By referring your parent to a site like Total Life, you can help them see just how easy reaching a therapist can be. Total Life offers countless qualified therapists who specialize in dealing with the unique issues that older adults face, like difficult life transitions and grief. Looking at the options on the site might also help put some of their fears, such as what it will cost, to rest. Total Life can offer up to 100% coverage to those enrolled in Medicare.
Of course there are also other options, such as in-person, group therapy, and even some more diverse options such as animal therapy. Reach out to your community and ask at local recreation or senior centers to find out what is available in your area. Then, you can present your parent with a few pamphlets or websites for them to look at in their own time.
Bringing resources for your parent shows them that this is something you care deeply about and have spent some time on, and could help them take your suggestion more seriously.
Reframe the Conversation
Anyone who’s stuck in the idea that going to therapy is weak or will result in them being judged is probably going to be resistant to even talking or thinking about their mental health. But what if you could get them to think about it as just another form of selfcare. Because that’s exactly what it is!
Talk about all the ways your parent keeps up with their health or appearance, or even the appearance of their home. For example, most people bathe regularly, which is showing care for one’s body. The same is true for brushing one’s teeth to avoid cavities, or brushing one’s hair to avoid knots. Shaving, putting on hand lotion, laundering clothes, tidying one’s room and doing the dishes – those are all part of caring for oneself and are a form of self love and self care. So, why doesn’t the mind deserve the same kind of love and attention?
Our brains work so hard for us! They control our thoughts, movements, memories, digestive system and even the beating of our hearts! Doesn’t such a hard worker deserve some support?
If you can get your parent to see caring for their minds as just another form of maintenance, like taking their car to the mechanic, then it might be easier for them to accept the idea of getting help.
Accept Their Timing
If therapy is something scary to your parent, or something they’ve never ever thought about, then it’s very unlikely that they are going to rush out to sign up. Instead, it’s much more likely that this is a conversation that you might have to bring up again and again. Be gentle and keep it brief, but be persistent, remembering to stay specific and focused on how to bring it up in the most supportive way.
There may even be a time where you have to give it a rest. You can’t force someone to get help, no matter how much they might need it, so if you sense that they are getting too frustrated or overwhelmed with your suggestion, then you might want to drop the subject and bring it up another time. Everyone moves at their own pace, and you have to respect that.
Get Curious
Sometimes people might be struggling with their mental health and not even realize it, so asking your parent questions about how they’re feeling can have a powerful impact.
This is a great way to start up a conversation therapy, but can also be useful if your parent is pushing back against the idea. Ask them if they are happy with how their life is going, and if there is anything that they would like to be different about how they’re feeling. Sometimes this is all it takes for someone to realize that they are always waking up tired, or that they feel generally disinterested in doing much with their day. Most people aren’t going to be happy with that, but they might need to be asked the question for them to really take an in-depth look at their life.
It’s crucial that you take this as an opportunity to listen and not judge – this is not an “I told you so!” moment. Your parent is likely to feel emotional and maybe even ashamed at this realization, so try to just be supportive and appreciative that they’re willing to share something so vulnerable.
What Else Can You Offer?
The last suggestion we’ll leave you with today is to think about how else you can support your parent on their therapy journey. You might suggest that the two of you attend therapy together, or you could offer to take them to appointments the first few times so that they don’t feel so nervous when heading somewhere new. Here are a few other ways that you could offer support to your parent when they’re starting out on their mental health journey.
- Buy them a journal. A journal is a great place to write down one’s thoughts and emotions, and might even be a good starting place for your parent if they don’t feel ready to visit a therapist just yet. WebMD tells us that journaling can help with emotional regulation and can ease symptoms of anxiety.
- Offer to meet with them after their therapy appointments to give support. Maybe plan a regular coffee date or something like an exercise class to help them process their emotions in a healthy way.
Of course it’s important to only offer what you feel capable of providing to your parent. If you make a promise and then aren’t able to keep it then that could be damaging to an already fragile situation. Be very clear with your boundaries and what help you are able to give. You can also ask your parent what would be helpful to them as they might have some ideas that you hadn’t thought of. But again, just be mindful of your limits.
Even if your parent does agree to go to therapy, change doesn’t happen overnight, so don’t forget to be patient. Older adults have had a lifetime to build up their habits and beliefs, so you can’t expect them to suddenly become a brand new person with no anxieties. But, with a little bit of patience and kindness, you can help them find a little bit more balance and joy, week by week.
