So, you feel like your parent could benefit from therapy, but you are worried about broaching the topic? Your fear is completely understandable. Although therapy has been shown to be remarkably effective in helping to alleviate mental health issues, according to Psychology Today there is still a lot of resistance to giving it a go. There are, of course, many different reasons for why some people are reluctant to try speaking with a therapist. This might come from a stigma they associate with seeking help. They might worry that others will look down on them or judge them. Your parent might also be in denial that they need any help or think that seeking out the support of a therapist might make them look weak. There are also worries regarding the cost, the work involved, and just a plain old fear of change.

It’s perfectly natural for people, especially older adults, to be scared of trying something new, especially something that they might have a lot of misconceptions about. But, if you feel that your parent could benefit from therapy then it’s well worth pushing against their reservations to encourage them towards something that could potentially be life changing. However, tackling this subject takes understanding and compassion, so let’s take a look at how you can best approach this subject matter without your parent shutting you down. 

Normalize

Before you bring up the subject with your parent, try your best to normalize therapy in your everyday conversations. This isn’t about being sneaky, but bringing it up casually might help it seem a little bit more normal to them, and maybe even a little boring! If you bring up the idea of them going to therapy and it’s something you’ve never spoken about before then they might feel a little blindsighted, but if it’s something you’ve mentioned occasionally then the idea of them doing it might not seem so bizarre to them. Who knows, you bringing it up might make them curious enough to look into it on their own!

A great way to normalize therapy for your parent is by talking about your own experiences with it, or the experiences of your friends. Of course this doesn’t mean sharing any sensitive information, only something you or the people you know would be fine sharing publicly. If you think your parent could benefit from therapy then it’s highly likely you think that because you yourself did, so why not share that with them? Sometimes people can feel cornered by someone else, and as though there is something wrong with them. By sharing that it’s something you have experienced and it’s been helpful with battling your anxiety, depression, or just working through a tough situation, then it might help your parent see that therapy isn’t something they have to be scared of. 

Another helpful way to normalize this subject is to talk about the celebrities who go to therapy. Many people look to celebrities for advice and trends, and for your parent, hearing that someone they admire has sought help might make them more inclined to do it themselves. You can find several articles that talk about which celebrities have spoken openly about therapy, such as this piece by Williamsburg Therapy Group.

Consider Time and Place

When thinking about sitting down with your parent for the conversation about therapy, you’ll want to plan out an appropriate time and place to do so. You should make sure you’re bringing it up in a private and comfortable environment so that they don’t feel attacked or unable to properly express themselves in response.

Talking to your parent in their or your home, while out for a walk, or in a private corner of a restaurant could all be good options. Also think about when you’re bringing it up. Are you pressed for time? Is your parent feeling particularly stressed about something? While you might be suggesting therapy due to stress, it’s still important to wait for a time when they’re more relaxed to bring up the topic. If they’re in a state of stress or panic it could be more likely that they get defensive and shut down your suggestion, whereas if they’re relaxed then they might be more open to the idea of trying something new. 

Regardless of where and when you choose to bring up going to therapy, you should have some sort of plan about how you’re going to talk to them about it. No, you don’t have to prepare a memorized script, but do have an idea of your rough talking points. This brings us to our next point…

Be Specific

There’s obviously a reason why you think your parent should go to therapy, and it’s important that you share that reason with them. It might be tempting to remain vague, and just say that you think therapy would be helpful to them in general, but if you don’t give them a reason then it’s much easier for them to question why you would be bringing it up in the first place. Of course, even if you give a specific reason that doesn’t mean there’s any guarantee that they’ll go, but at least they can’t claim there is no reason for them to! 

Language is particularly important here, as it can be easy for a loved one to become angry and defensive. When talking about sensitive subjects it’s very important to not get accusatory. Instead, talk about the impact their actions have on you and why you think they would benefit from therapy. For example, saying “I worry that you have seemed withdrawn recently, and I think therapy could help you get back to enjoying the things you love” would probably go over much better than saying something like “you’ve been super antisocial and I hate that!” One is coming from a place of worry and kindness, while the other, even if coming from the same place, reads as much more judgemental. 

 Of course, you know your parent best, so you are probably already aware of the kind of communication they respond best to, but it’s still important to prepare. Write down some of your concerns and how you want to address them. If nothing else, your parent will probably appreciate that you have been worried enough to bring up your concerns. Everybody wants to know that people are thinking about them. 

Do Your Research

If you want your parent to get into therapy then it would be a wise idea to do some research on the topic so you can provide them with resources. Sometimes an older adult might be open to the idea of seeking help, but they don’t want to do the work to find that help on their own, so having all the information readily available to them can be incredibly helpful. 

By referring your parent to a site like Total Life, you can help them see just how easy reaching a therapist can be. Total Life offers countless qualified therapists who specialize in dealing with the unique issues that older adults face, like difficult life transitions and grief. Looking at the options on the site might also help put some of their fears, such as what it will cost, to rest. Total Life can offer up to 100% coverage to those enrolled in Medicare. 

Of course there are also other options, such as in-person, group therapy, and even some more diverse options such as animal therapy. Reach out to your community and ask at local recreation or senior centers to find out what is available in your area. Then, you can present your parent with a few pamphlets or websites for them to look at in their own time. 

Bringing resources for your parent shows them that this is something you care deeply about and have spent some time on, and could help them take your suggestion more seriously. 

Reframe the Conversation

Anyone who’s stuck in the idea that going to therapy is weak or will result in them being judged is probably going to be resistant to even talking or thinking about their mental health. But what if you could get them to think about it as just another form of selfcare. Because that’s exactly what it is!

Talk about all the ways your parent keeps up with their health or appearance, or even the appearance of their home. For example, most people bathe regularly, which is showing care for one’s body. The same is true for brushing one’s teeth to avoid cavities, or brushing one’s hair to avoid knots. Shaving, putting on hand lotion, laundering clothes, tidying one’s room and doing the dishes – those are all part of caring for oneself and are a form of self love and self care. So, why doesn’t the mind deserve the same kind of love and attention? 

Our brains work so hard for us! They control our thoughts, movements, memories, digestive system and even the beating of our hearts! Doesn’t such a hard worker deserve some support? 

If you can get your parent to see caring for their minds as just another form of maintenance, like taking their car to the mechanic, then it might be easier for them to accept the idea of getting help. 

Accept Their Timing

If therapy is something scary to your parent, or something they’ve never ever thought about, then it’s very unlikely that they are going to rush out to sign up. Instead, it’s much more likely that this is a conversation that you might have to bring up again and again. Be gentle and keep it brief, but be persistent, remembering to stay specific and focused on how to bring it up in the most supportive way.

There may even be a time where you have to give it a rest. You can’t force someone to get help, no matter how much they might need it, so if you sense that they are getting too frustrated or overwhelmed with your suggestion, then you might want to drop the subject and bring it up another time. Everyone moves at their own pace, and you have to respect that. 

Get Curious

Sometimes people might be struggling with their mental health and not even realize it, so asking your parent questions about how they’re feeling can have a powerful impact. 

This is a great way to start up a conversation therapy, but can also be useful if your parent is pushing back against the idea. Ask them if they are happy with how their life is going, and if there is anything that they would like to be different about how they’re feeling. Sometimes this is all it takes for someone to realize that they are always waking up tired, or that they feel generally disinterested in doing much with their day. Most people aren’t going to be happy with that, but they might need to be asked the question for them to really take an in-depth look at their life. 

It’s crucial that you take this as an opportunity to listen and not judge – this is not an “I told you so!” moment. Your parent is likely to feel emotional and maybe even ashamed at this realization, so try to just be supportive and appreciative that they’re willing to share something so vulnerable.

What Else Can You Offer?

The last suggestion we’ll leave you with today is to think about how else you can support your parent on their therapy journey. You might suggest that the two of you attend therapy together, or you could offer to take them to appointments the first few times so that they don’t feel so nervous when heading somewhere new. Here are a few other ways that you could offer support to your parent when they’re starting out on their mental health journey. 

• Buy them a journal. A journal is a great place to write down one’s thoughts and emotions, and might even be a good starting place for your parent if they don’t feel ready to visit a therapist just yet. WebMD tells us that journaling can help with emotional regulation and can ease symptoms of anxiety.
• Offer to meet with them after their therapy appointments to give support. Maybe plan a regular coffee date or something like an exercise class to help them process their emotions in a healthy way.

Of course it’s important to only offer what you feel capable of providing to your parent. If you make a promise and then aren’t able to keep it then that could be damaging to an already fragile situation. Be very clear with your boundaries and what help you are able to give. You can also ask your parent what would be helpful to them as they might have some ideas that you hadn’t thought of. But again, just be mindful of your limits. 

Even if your parent does agree to go to therapy, change doesn’t happen overnight, so don’t forget to be patient. Older adults have had a lifetime to build up their habits and beliefs, so you can’t expect them to suddenly become a brand new person with no anxieties. But, with a little bit of patience and kindness, you can help them find a little bit more balance and joy, week by week.

It’s normal for seniors to require some extra help as they age. This might be due to decreased mobility, a chronic illness, or simply because certain tasks are a little bit more difficult than they used to be. While some seniors are aware of their limitations and prepare for them or respond to them in the moment, there are others who are not as quick to reach out for help. This could be because of embarrassment, shame, denial, or, in the case of a cognitive condition, not even realizing there’s an issue that needs attention in the first place. 

That’s why it’s important as an adult child of aging parents to know some of the signs to look out for when the time comes for your mom or dad to think about getting some support or moving into an assisted living facility. Today, let’s go over seven of the most common indications that your mom or dad might need a little bit of help. 

Spending More Time Alone

Was your parent previously a social butterfly, and now more often or not they turn down an invitation to go out? This could be a sign that their health is failing and they need some support. While everyone needs some time to recharge now and then, too much time alone can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness, which, as the National Institute on Aging points out, can lead to serious health issues such as depression, heart disease and cognitive decline. 

There are many reasons for why your mom or dad might suddenly be going out less. This might be due to mobility issues, if they are dealing with an injury, or because of a condition like arthritis that can make certain movements painful. They could also be struggling with the loss of their spouse or a dear friend. Grief can be completely destabilizing and make it difficult to go about one’s daily routine. 

Lack of interest in going out might also signal that your mom or dad is already struggling with depression or another mental health issue that makes them uncomfortable or unenthusiastic about the idea of going out. Socializing might cause undue stress, so they feel like it will simply be easier to stay home. They might also be noticing signs of cognitive decline and be too embarrassed to admit it, so they avoid seeing other people so that they don’t need to address any awkward questions. 

Now don’t jump to conclusions if your mom or dad declines one or two invitations. It’s healthy to spend time on your own, and as we age we might naturally prioritize more meaningful relationships and spend less time with larger groups in favor of smaller gatherings. But if you notice that your parent is frequently on their own, and seems to be avoiding time with you and other loved ones, then it might be a good idea to have a conversation with them to find out what’s going on. 

Things Are Getting Messy 

Everyone leaves a dirty dish in the sink from time to time, but have you noticed that things have seemed unusually messy at your parent’s house? This might present as crumbs all over the floor, stains on their clothing, or a lot of buildup in their shower and toilet. You also might notice that their bedroom is in disarray with a lot of clothes that haven’t been laundered, and several tasks around the house and property left undone, like an overflowing garbage or a lawn that is in desperate need of mowing. 

This is often the sign of a senior who is no longer capable of keeping up with their daily household tasks, perhaps due to mental or physical limitations. It might hurt their back or knees to bend down, or, perhaps they are too tired or depressed to do the chores needed to keep their house looking clean and comfortable. 

Noticing a change in your parent’s cleanliness is often not just about their house, as well. Sadly, many seniors who are having a hard time with their mental or physical health also struggle with maintaining their personal hygiene. This might look like not showering, trouble with wiping after using the toilet, forgetting or being unable to clip their nails, and letting their hair tangle until it might be completely unbrushable on their own. 

Again, many of these issues might be due to physical struggles that cause certain activities to be simply too painful, and your parent might be so embarrassed by this that they choose to let the matter get out of hand rather than reach out for help. It could also be the result of mental health struggles, and, in some cases, might be a sign of failing eyesight, and your mom or dad might not even notice how messy their house has gotten. 

Once again, it’s always good to sit down and talk with your mom or dad before assuming the worst. They might have been busy with something and simply fallen behind on housekeeping, or this might be a great opportunity to find out how you can help. Although sometimes this issue might indicate that they need extensive support, such as through a care home, oftentimes they might just benefit by having a few tasks taken off their plate. This might look like hiring a gardener or a housekeeper to come in once a week so they don’t need to worry about doing tasks that are too painful and difficult for them. 

What was that? Oh yes, I remember…

Has your parent seemed forgetful lately? This sign can be a little bit tricky to navigate, because, as much as you probably don’t want to hear it, it’s perfectly normal for our memories to weaken with age. Memory loss and brain fog can also be attributed to many medical conditions, as well as menopause, where a staggering 50% of women mentioned memory loss as being one of the worst symptoms. 

However, while forgetfulness from certain conditions passes, at other times it could signal the start of serious cognitive conditions such as dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. These diseases, while not curable, are important to catch as early as possible, as this can help with treatment of unpleasant symptoms, and help to make the patient experiencing it as comfortable as possible as they navigate these difficult diagnoses. 

So, if you notice your parent forgets the name of the remote control or who your elementary best friend was once in a blue moon, it’s probably nothing to worry about. But, if they are constantly searching for words, forgetting important events like birthdays or graduations and missing appointments then it’s important that you suggest they visit a doctor for testing. Even if it’s not something serious, it’s always worthwhile getting memory issues looked at as soon as possible. 

Mood Swings

Another common sign of a senior who is struggling with something is that you might notice them display some unusual behavior or emotions. This might look like them becoming very quiet or withdrawn when historically they’ve been friendly and outgoing. It might look like them getting angry for seemingly no reason and being mean and even offensive to others. While everyone has their moments, if your mom or dad is having a lot of emotional outbursts and are acting in a way that is unusual for them, it’s probably something you want to get looked at. 

Sometimes mood swings and sudden emotional changes are issues that can be addressed by a mental health therapist, or even a little bit of support from a loved one. This may be happening because your parent is struggling with all the changes happening in their life, and they aren’t quite ready to accept their changing body and mind. They might be angry at their physical and mental limitations and instead of doing the work to adjust to their new circumstances, they take it out on the people around them.

Another possible reason for emotional outbursts is due to confusion brought on by a cognitive disease like Alzheimer’s, so it’s always good to pay attention to any emotional changes in your parents. 

Inconsistency

Inconsistency might look like your parent missing doses of their important medication, or frequently missing appointments. While this might connect with memory issues, it might also be connected to poor mental health, as it’s common for people struggling with depression, anxiety or addiction issues to have trouble staying on track with a schedule. 

All of these signs are just little hints that your parent might need a hand. Quite often all they need is a bit of support or more frequent visits. But you don’t want to let something important slip by, so always be sure to bring up a concern when you notice something is different. 

Unexplained Bruise and Injuries 

Everyone gets an unexplained bruise from time to time. You might have a vague memory of walking into the corner of a counter or stubbing your toe, but you got distracted and forgot about it. That’s totally normal and an occasional small bruise or scratch with no explanation is not generally cause for concern. However, if you notice that you parent consistently seems to have bruises, cuts or other injuries with no good explanation for how they happened, then you should sit up and pay attention. 

Unexplained bruises could mean several different things, but one of the most common reasons is that they happened due to falls. Each year, 1 out of 4 seniors in the United States experiences a fall, but, according to the CDC, less than half of those falls are reported to doctors. 

Falls cause thousands of hospitalizations, traumatic brain injuries, and even deaths. It’s a serious injury for seniors, who often struggle with their mobility along with a loss of bone density. Seniors often struggle to recover as quickly as a younger person, which often results in further restriction to their movement. If falls are the culprit behind the bruises then it may be that your parent feels to ashamed to admit that they have been falling, but continuing to keep it a secret could lead to serious consequences. 

Another reason for bruises could be an undiagnosed medical condition, such as a blood clotting disorder. Of course, as with any medical condition, it’s always good to attend to it as soon as possible.

While there’s definitely often explanations for bruises or injuries, there’s one final explanation that you should be concerned about. Elder abuse is unfortunately much more common that you would probably like to admit. In fact, a study by the World Health Organization in 28 countries found that 1 in 6 seniors experienced some form of abuse in a community setting each year. This might come from a spouse, a friend, a nurse, or even a fellow care worker. While it’s never nice to think about, it’s important to immediately take action if you believe the senior you care for is experiencing any kind of abuse, either physical or emotional. Even some of the other signs on this list, such as mood swings, could be attributed to abuse, so be sure to keep an eye out if you have any suspicions.

Sudden Change in Diet

If you notice an abrupt change in your parent’s appetite or weight, then it could be a sign they need some help. People dealing with anxiety or depression might completely lose their appetite, or suddenly find themselves stuffing themselves with food out of comfort. And sudden, unexplained weight loss or gain could be the result of an undiagnosed medical condition that needs immediate attention. 

Addressing someone’s diet or weight is often a sensitive subject, so make sure to be thoughtful when addressing the issue. Make it clear that you’re not coming from a place of judgement, but concern. And, remember, it’s normal for everyone’s weight to fluctuate by a few pounds here and there. But, if you notice a dramatic change from their usual appearance or appetite, then it’s worth having a quick, kind check in to make sure they’re doing OK. 

This isn’t an exhaustive list of how to notice signs that your parent needs help. Seniors are constantly going through major life transitions as they age, and they will probably need help in many different ways as they deal with these new challenges. A good rule of thumb is to always listen to your own gut. You know your mom and dad – you’ve grown up with them all your life. If you feel like something is off, then trust that feeling and do some investigating. It can sometimes be hard for children to accept that their parents are aging, and they might avoid the topic as much as their parents do, but it’s important to keep your eyes open. If you catch an issue early then you have more time to fix it, which quite often means more years with your parents, and that is always worth it.