It can be difficult to come to the realization that your parents need help. As a child you likely saw your parents as superheroes, capable of tackling anything they came up against. But while your parents might act like superheroes, they are still mortal, which means they may need some help as they age.
While many people might feel uncomfortable talking about the need for care, it’s a very normal part of aging. In fact, accepting help can help make the quality of life for your parents better, and give them the opportunity to give their attention to what matters most to them, instead of being bogged down with the stress of tasks that are no longer manageable for them.
But how do you know when the time is right to get help? You don’t want to push the subject when it’s not needed, but you also shouldn’t wait until a situation has gotten out of control to finally seek help. In a perfect world you’re already having regular conversations with your parents about their health and you have a robust care plan in place…But, just in case you don’t (which, let’s be honest, is probably the case for most people), let’s talk about five questions to ask you or your parents to figure out if it’s time to look for professional care.
1.Can You Give Them the Support They Need?
Many adult children end up caring for their parents in some way as they age. This might range from coming over to help set up their TV all the way to being a full time caregiver. Of course, for many others that help falls somewhere in the middle, maybe running errands or taking care of some housework. However, when you notice that your parents seem to be requiring a more intensive level of care it’s important to ask yourself whether or not you are capable of providing it to them.
Now it’s very important to think about what you are able to provide, not what you wish you could provide or what you wish you wanted to provide. You might wish you had more time to spend with them, or more money to spend on them. You might even wish that you wanted to be a full time caregiver but know deep in your heart that doing so would make you resentful and burnt out. Knowing those things doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you someone who is going to be able to make the best choice for your parents’ care and for your own relationship.
Even if you genuinely want to provide more intensive care for your parents, your current life simply might not allow you to be able to provide that care in the way that they need. Your job, children or other commitments might make that impossible, or financial constraints might make it too difficult to justify the amount of time that caring for them would occupy in your life.
Of course it’s important to be involved in your parents’ lives, but you need to figure out exactly what you are capable of providing to them in this moment, and if their needs are greater than what you can give then it’s time to seek out professional help. Remember, getting your parents’ help is about improving their quality of life. And, if getting help takes stress away from you then it’s giving both you and your parents the chance to simply spend time together, away from any looming obligations. Too often, adult children take on the role of caregiver and quickly end up burnt out. By being honest with yourself you are making the best choice for everyone’s health.
2.Has Their Cognitive Function Changed?
Have you had suspicions about your parents’ cognitive health that you haven’t fully investigated? Or perhaps one of your parents has been officially diagnosed with a condition such as dementia or Alzheimer’s, and you’re really started to see symptoms manifest in a way that is making it difficult for them to continue on with their daily routine.
While every kind of illness or injury comes with its own unique struggles, cognitive decline can be one of the most challenging conditions for families to deal with. It can be devastating for children and other loved ones to feel like the person they love and know is slipping away from them. And, for the older adult who’s dealing with the decline it’s a constant roller coaster of confusion, anger, sadness and many other emotions. Because, while steps can be taken to make someone with cognitive decline more comfortable, it’s not a reversible or curable condition. Except in the rare circumstances where medication or an injury is causing a temporary cognitive condition, most people are going to continue to deteriorate.
Of course, if your parent is forgetting an occasional name or misplacing the remote control this doesn’t mean you need to rush into home care. It’s normal for everyone to forget a detail or get confused about something every now and then. And, even if someone is still in good cognitive health, having memory issues is a natural part of aging that will happen with everyone to varying degrees. But, a condition like Alzheimer’s does eventually require a high level of care, so it’s important to look out for signs of a more serious condition, such as:
- Frequently forgetting names and words
- Forgetting how to do tasks they’ve done countless times before
- Getting lost in an area that should be familiar to them
- Leaving the stove on
- Loss of confidence
- Asking the same question over and over, or constantly retelling the same stories
If you are noticing any of the above signs then it’s important to get your parent to a doctor so that they can be evaluated. It’s very likely that they are in need of some support in their home.
3.Are There Cleanliness Issues?
Another question to ask yourself is whether or not you’ve noticed that your parent or parents are struggling with maintaining themselves or their living space.
It’s very common for cleanliness or personal hygiene to become more difficult as a person ages. The reasons for this can be wide ranging and complex. Let’s talk about what might be going on with cleaning and aging.
Physical Limitations
Very often, older adults might be dealing with an injury or chronic condition, such as arthritis, that makes certain tasks, such as vacuuming or scrubbing particularly painful and difficult. This might mean that a task such as cleaning a bathroom, which used to take 30 minutes, is now a long arduous activity that some individuals eventually start neglecting as it becomes too difficult to maintain.
Many older adults might also find that their home is simply too big for them and the process of cleaning and maintaining their yard and garden is too overwhelming.
Mental Health
Mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety can often cause individuals to withdraw from social activities and develop apathy towards their daily routines. The thought of cleaning or bathing might make them so distressed or feel so numb that they avoid those activities completely.
Similarly to the question about cognitive function, you shouldn’t rush to conclusions about your parents if you notice that there are dishes sitting in the sink occasionally, or if you see a stain on their shirt. However, there is cause for concern if you notice the following:
- Constant mess and clutter. The kind of clutter where your parent is at risk of tripping, or a mess that could cause health issues like mold or that might attract pests.
- Your parent seems to have gone so long without washing that they are beginning to emit an odor
- Your parent seems to constantly be getting sick, particularly with digestive issues
- Your parent always has dirty hair and fingernails
- The house has maintenance needs that are being neglected to the point of being dangerous, such as wobbly railings or leaks that haven’t been addressed
Depending on the needs of your parent professional help might just look like getting them a housekeeper or someone to do a bit of yard work and basic house repair. Professional care can take many forms, and having someone come in to help with cleaning might be just what your parent needs to live a more comfortable and happy life.
4.Are Your Parents Safe?
This is a question to ask alongside any of the other questions on this list, but it’s important enough that it warrants its own entry. Your parents might be resistant to the idea of getting help, but at the end of the day what is most important is that they are safe. So, if you can’t answer yes to this question then it’s almost a no-brainer that the time has come for professional help.
Aging Wisely has brought up some excellent questions to ask in relation to safety, which we’ll talk about along with some other important points to consider.
- Are there guns in the house? Of course that’s not an issue if your parents are of sound mind and the guns are stored securely, but if they are dealing with a lot of confusion or poor mental health then easy access to guns might be of some concern.
- Can your parents handle an emergency? Your parents might be fine making their way through a regular day, but in the case of an emergency like an extended power outage or a flood, do you feel confident that they would be able to navigate their way through that situation unscathed?
- How is their mental health? Many older adults already struggle with isolation, and, if that’s combined with poor mental health the combination could have serious consequences.
- Are my parents capable of completing risky tasks? Does your dad insist on climbing onto the roof to clean the gutters, or does your mom teeter precariously on chairs to reach the top of the window sills? While this might have been scary even in your youth, with limited mobility those tasks might now be downright dangerous.
Every situation is going to be unique, so only you can know whether or not a certain activity is going to be a danger to your parents. But keeping your parents away from harm is one of the major reasons why you are likely thinking about seeking out professional help. So, ask yourself this question, and if you come to the realization that they are not safe then it’s time to sit down for a serious conversation about next steps.
5.Are Your Parents Dealing with A Serious Medical Issue?
Last, but not least, you should ask if your parent is dealing with a serious medical issue. And, in addition, whether or not the medical issue in question has become too difficult to handle on their own.
Many older adults might deal with some kind of condition, or even several, as they age. This is often a common part of growing older, and many conditions are easily manageable with appropriate care and attention. However, some conditions may eventually grow too difficult to manage, or your parent might not be open to dealing with their condition in the way they’re supposed to, which means an initially small issue has now grown into something much more concerning.
For example, over 70% of adults in the US who are over the age of 60 experience high blood pressure, also known as hypertension. Hypertension is often manageable with lifestyle changes, medication or a mixture of both. However, left untreated, or if treatment is mismanaged, hypertension, as outlined by the Mayo Clinic, can lead to stroke, heart attacks, heart failure, blindness, sexual issues, and many many more risks.
The above would be the risks associated with someone who is not able to appropriately manage their condition, but even if your parent is doing everything they can to control their medical condition, it may have become too much for them to handle on their own. If they have extreme mobility limitations then they may need help with feeding, bathing or using the bathroom, which is likely not something you’ll be able to commit to unless you are willing and capable of becoming their full-time caregiver.
Bringing in professional care will ensure your parent is getting the attention their medical condition requires, which means you can focus on quality time spent together.
These questions should help empower you to make the best decision for you and your loved one. It can be difficult to make the decision to seek out care, but just remember that you are doing it in the best interest of your parent, and it’s about giving them the best quality of life imaginable. If you are unsure of where to start when it comes to seeking out care, you might consider talking to someone at a local center for older adults, or by checking out the National Institute on Aging for further advice.
