Sometimes the pressure of the holiday season can create a rollercoaster of emotion for older adults. This might have been a time of year that used to bring them great joy, but now they are struggling with loneliness and a feeling that they’re losing control. Coupled with the idea that this is the time of year when they really should feel happy, and it can leave older adults at a higher risk of suffering from anxiety and depression, just as others are joyfulling trimming their tree.
As a caregiver you are likely already dealing with your own personal stress when it comes to the holidays. Caring for the rest of your family, dealing with work commitments and somehow trying to fit in some kind of social life, it can be easy to become overwhelmed. But thankfully, we’re here to help. Read on to find out how you can manage you and your loved ones’ expectations so that you can actually enjoy the holidays.
Talk in Advance
It’s very common for the holidays to erupt into arguments and disappointments simply because nobody talked to each other about their expectations. Everyone has their own feelings about how the holidays should go and what will make the season joyful for them. However, it’s helpful to find out what is truly important. You might want a big dinner, but only because you think that’s what other people want. In reality other people might not care as much, and doing all that cooking just stresses you out. Instead, maybe you can simplify things by having a big breakfast and a smaller dinner, ordering take out or getting catering. Don’t get stuck in the idea of what a holiday should be.
Sit down with the people you’re going to celebrate the holidays with and talk through what’s important to everyone. There might have to be some adjustments due to cost or logistics, but see what might be possible. Did you used to all go to a movie together but now it’s just too expensive or the older adult you care for isn’t able to due to mobility limitations? Instead, maybe you can rent a movie at home and get some fun movie theater snacks like popcorn and candy. That way you can still prioritize what’s important but do it in a way that works for you.
In addition to having a conversation before the holidays, you should also check in later. Make sure everyone remembers what was talked about so there won’t be any confusion, especially with someone whose memory might not be as strong as it used to be. These check-ins don’t need to be lengthy, just a good testing of the temperature.
Ask for What You Need
Don’t feel like you have to go through this season alone. Even if you are a single parent you can still ask for help from friends, family members and even coworkers. This might look like leaving work an hour early to get some shopping done, or asking a friend to pick up your kid on the last day of school. And, it’s also important to ask whoever you’re celebrating the holidays with to pitch in when it comes to the celebrations. This is especially true if someone wants something (discussed during the talk mentioned above), but it feels like too big of a commitment for you to do on your own. For example, if your partner or teenager loves having a big christmas dinner, but that’s something that you don’t have the capacity to do on your own, then agree on how they can best help you with that task. Maybe that’s peeling the potatoes, cleaning the house or agreeing to forgo homemade gravy this year. It’s unfair to have all the expectations of the holiday fall on you, so make it clear that if loved ones have certain expectations then they need to contribute to help make them possible.
If it’s the loved one you care for that’s asking for something that feels out of reach, then it’s important to have an honest conversation with them about your limitations. Try to dig into what it is that they’re really after. If they’re asking for a big dinner then maybe all they’re seeking is a moment of connection, which can be had with a dedicated time together sharing tea and cookies. Or maybe they really love a particular dish at dinner, and agreeing to make that one dish with more modest sides might help fill that yearning. There’s usually a way to meet peoples’ needs, but you just have to talk to them to find out how.
Of course, sometimes there can be push back against asking for help, especially if it’s from family who aren’t used to pitching in the past. Be prepared to stand your ground. Be kind but firm with your boundaries. It might feel awkward at first, but it will feel much worse if you agree to put together a holiday celebration that you don’t have the energy for.
Schedule
Sometimes we just need a bit of predictability in our lives. Keeping a schedule is a great way to stay organized during the holidays while also keeping emotions in check. Writing everything down can help you stay on track of commitments, while also staying realistic about what is doing, and what you and your loved ones actually want to prioritize.
Psychology Today tells us that anticipating an event we’re looking forward to can be very good for our mental health, something that is extra useful during such a busy time of year. If you and the older adult you care for are able to agree on some favorite holiday traditions and have them written down in the calendar then the excitement and anticipation of that event can help keep everyone in a good mood.
However, there are a few important things to consider here. While it is nice to have events to look forward to, you don’t want to build them up too much. Try to simply look forward to getting to experience something, no matter how it turns out. You don’t want to look forward to drinking hot chocolate at a market just to arrive and find they’ve run out, or go to a concert and find they’re not singing the song you’d been looking forward to hearing. Instead, try to focus on simply enjoying whatever experience you have, and being open to it being different from previous years or other events you’ve been to. Sometimes we build something up so much in our head that once we get there we can be let down if it’s not exactly what we imagined. But there is still so much good and fun to be had that it would be a pity to be so distracted by minor details that you can’t enjoy it.
Something else to think about is the weather conditions of the event. Is there any chance it could be cancelled, and if so, do you have a backup plan? You don’t have to plan anything extensive, but having a few ideas in the back of your mind can help avoid any meltdowns.
Finally, be sure to schedule appropriately when it comes to timing. Account for traffic, parking, and whether or not you require a ticket for where you’re going. Research might seem tedious, but it can save you a big headache down the road!
Build New Traditions
Something that can be upsetting for older adults is that certain elements of their life might need to adjust as they get older, and that certain holiday traditions might not be possible for them anymore. That might be because of their mobility – downhill skiing might not be safe, or their hands might be too stiff to make hundreds of cookies to deliver to friends and family. And it might be too challenging for you or someone else to take over certain traditions, or you might not be interested in the traditions they want to continue.
Instead, it might be a good idea to take this as an opportunity not to mourn the loss of old traditions, but to celebrate the creation of new ones. Maybe instead of hours spent cooking decorating you can buy a few treats and make a simple ice cream sundae bar. Maybe skiing is out but there’s a beautiful light display you could go look at, or maybe even a sleigh ride? Or maybe you try things that are completely different from any tradition you’ve had before. Try making a brand new type of cuisine for dinner, or compete to see who can find the cheesiest holiday movie and predict the ending together. At the end of the day, most people just want to spend the holidays with the people they love, so don’t worry too much about how that comes about as long as you’re there for each other. If you want to learn more about how to build new traditions, take a look at this article by The Good Trade.
Be Vulnerable
On that same topic, there can be a lot of sadness around the holidays due to the people who are not with us. While it might be tempting to ignore these absences and put on a happy face, that pain is still going to be there, so why not face it? It doesn’t have to dominate the holiday, but have an honest conversation about your sadness that that person or people are not there with you. Perhaps there can be a way to celebrate them, like putting down a place for them at dinner, making a dish they loved, or simply spending an evening sharing photos and stories.
Prioritize Mental Health
When planning out your holiday schedule make sure that you’re allowing time for what brings you peace. It’s hard to keep your cool in a stressful situation if you are overtired and haven’t had a chance to unwind. And the loved one you care for might also be in desperate need of a little TLC. Perhaps you book both of you therapy appointments. Your loved one can find a wonderful therapist focused on the needs of older adults at Total Life.
When planning a new tradition you might even consider adding in some that are specifically focused on self care. Maybe you plan a spa night where you soak your feet in warm water and put on face masks. Or maybe self care looks like going for a swim or enjoying a delicious burger. Whatever is going to make you feel your best you should do it, because it will help you show up as your best and happiest self.
Remember, that even though a little indulgence can feel good sometimes, a big part of keeping our minds and body healthy is through a healthy diet, sleep and exercise, so while self care might be enjoying a glass of wine or some chocolates now and then, it’s important that that doesn’t tip over into a binge that will have the opposite effect than was intended. Instead, focus on habits that can make you feel good, with cues from Healthline.
Make Gifts Easy
It doesn’t matter how old you get, it can still be easy to be disappointed if you don’t get the gift you were hoping for. It’s also distressingly easy to overspend during the holidays, because you might think you need to go all out in order for your loved ones to enjoy the season.
Giving and receiving gifts should be joyful so why over complicate it? Set some guidelines for gift giving this year, so that you can relax, and everyone can feel confident that they’ll receive something they need or want. Here are some things to think about:
- Cost. If finances are tight, or if you know that some loved ones might feel self conscious about the amount they can afford, it might be a good idea to set a price limit. This way no one has to feel overburdened, or like they didn’t spend enough on a present when someone got them a gift that cost way more.
- Consider assigning gifts. If you and your family are in a place to get gifts for everyone and you want to do so then that’s totally fine, but if that seems stressful and too expensive then why not participate in a secret santa or some other kind of gift exchange, like the ones suggested on Martha Stewart? This way everyone still gets something, but you don’t have to worry about buying gifts for a dozen people.
- Make wish lists. If you want something specific then let that be known. Not everyone is a good gift-getter, and having a list can alleviate stress while ensuring you still get something you want. Have everyone else make a list as well. And be sure to check in with others – is there something they really need? Try to focus on others’ wishes. Sometimes you might want to give something fun but your loved one might want something practical like socks or a giftcard to a grocery store. If you get them something fun then you’re buying for you, not for them. Listening to each other allows everyone to be happy.
- Discuss if you and your loved ones actually want gifts. Sometimes families just want to spend time together and the gifts aren’t important. Gifts can be a love language so don’t ignore that if that’s the case, but often quality time or something simple and small is just what the holiday calls for.
Holidays can be difficult, so be sure to give you and your loved ones grace. However, with a bit of planning and the implementation of the tips above, you should be looking at a jolly holiday.
