Whether you’re a career caregiver, or someone who has stepped up to care for a loved one, the role of a caregiver can be wildly rewarding and wonderful. You get to know the person you’re caring for on an entirely different level, and you tend to learn a lot about yourself along the way. Caregiving can teach patience and organizational skills, and can also help those doing it develop a healthy sense of humor.
However, despite the many positives, caregiving can also come with a host of challenges for both parties. Tensions and resentment often rise to the top, and, if left unattended to, those feelings can quickly bubble over and become a major problem.
Even if you feel like the relationship you have with the older adult you care for is in a good place, there are always ways to improve upon a good thing. Relationships need attention and care in order to thrive, so it’s always a good idea to pay attention to weak areas so that you can make your bond as strong as possible. So, whether your relationship is struggling or you just feel like it could use a little boost, let’s look at five ways that you can give level up and keep the relationship healthy.
Respect
Respect is crucial in order to have a healthy relationship with someone else. But what is it exactly? The definition of respect means to hold someone in high regard and admire them, but how do you show respect and earn it in return? The answer isn’t exactly a simple one.
Many people are going to have a different idea of how someone can be respectful to them, and for many people, it’s a feeling that they get from someone else, rather than their actions. Of course, this doesn’t mean that your actions aren’t important, but that the way you compose yourself and your general attitude is just, if not more, important than the actions you take.
If you’re feeling lost on where to start, you might consider writing down your own list of what you consider to be respectful behavior towards yourself. Then, you can reflect on whether or not you’re exhibiting that same behavior towards the older adult you care for.
If you feel comfortable you could also ask the older adult you care for to tell you when they feel most respected, either by you or other people around them.
Of course, some people confuse respect for having other people doing whatever they want for them and never pushing back on unreasonable requests. While doing that is not respectful, the way you respond to those kinds of requests can determine your level of respect for that person. For example, if you find yourself in that scenario then a respectful way to respond would be to immediately let them know in a calm, kind way that you hear them and are not able to do what they wish, but offer some other solutions instead. A non-respectful way to respond would be to roll your eyes and yell, or simply not answer at all.
So much respect is about putting judgement aside and really trying to understand someone else’s point of view. This doesn’t mean you always need to agree, but it’s making space for someone else’s feelings and not making them feel like they’re stupid or wasting your time.
Queensland Government lays out some other great suggestions on how you can best be respectful to someone else, but some highlights include:
- Speak directly to someone. Never speak or gossip behind their back. If there is an issue you need to address, make sure you speak to them directly.
- Respond to someone as soon as possible. Sometimes people avoid responding to a request because they feel bad saying no, but it will be more hurtful and disrespectful to ignore or put off responding than it is to just politely and quickly say no. That way they can focus on finding someone else to help them instead of trying to get you to respond.
- Be sensitive with your humor. While everyone likes a joke now and then, make sure your humor doesn’t put down the older adult you care for or is insensitive towards others.
Respect can take some time to build up, so be patient, but focusing on respect can dramatically improve a relationship, so it’s well worth the time.
Curiosity and Listening
Curiosity and listening are both key elements of respect, but they feel important enough to warrant their own spot on this list.
Humans all share the same basic need: to be heard. Although many unfairly criticize teenagers for complaining that they are not being properly understood, it’s not just those who are going through the confusing stages of puberty that can feel like they aren’t being seen by those around them.
Many older adults feel isolated and dismissed by their family and other members of society. And it can be easy for people to patronize members of older generations because they might not be as up to date on current technology, or might take a bit longer than others to catch up in a conversation. However, this does not mean that those in older generations are not worthy of being listened to, or that they don’t have important wisdom to share.
The reality is that the older adult you care for has a rich inner life and is likely more than willing to talk with you about it, you just have to take the step and ask.
Showing interest in the life of the older adult you care for can go a long way towards building trust in your relationship. However, it’s something important to remember is that listening is a huge part of how you can demonstrate your interest and care. Make eye contact, ask questions and remain engaged while they speak so that they can see that this is as meaningful for you as it is for them.
And it’s good to remember that while most people want to be heard, not everyone wants solutions or advice. Sometimes someone might want to share something frustrating or difficult that they’re experiencing without any kind of resolution. While of course there might be times when you need to set a boundary and stop talking about something difficult (we’re covering boundaries next!), if what the person is telling you about is not harmful to you or them and it’s not something that they’re ruminating on, then the best course of action might be to simply let them process their thoughts without you providing any kind of feedback.
When in doubt, follow advice from Medium that suggests that you ask your loved one whether or not they want any advice. If the answer is no then be prepared to sit back and listen attentively until they have said everything they want to say.
Boundaries
It can be difficult to put up boundaries, especially if you’re doing it for the first time with someone you are very close to. Family and other loved ones might be very resistant to the idea of you not being available to them in the same way you were before, but while it might seem counterintuitive, putting boundaries in place in your relationships can strengthen your bond and help you better attend to your tasks and responsibilities.
Stanford outlines how boundaries are important for building trust, respect and safety within a relationship, regardless of what kind of relationship it is. Yes, it’s very normal to struggle with establishing your boundaries, but reminding yourself of the positive outcomes can help you stick to them. Here are a few things to consider:
Reflect: It can be easy to speak out of turn in a moment of frustration, but it’s important to think about your boundaries and what you need when you’re feeling calm and relaxed and have time to sit down on your own. Reflect on what you need and where you’ve been struggling, and identify what you need in order to feel better.
Specificity: Setting clear boundaries makes following them a lot easier. Boundaries might be set in several areas, for example:
Time: You might limit the time you are able to spend with your loved one to certain hours of the day or the week.
Emotional: You might not be willing to discuss certain things, such as your romantic life or a particular trauma that you aren’t comfortable reliving. An emotional boundary might also be about the other person. If the individual you care for is dealing with some serious mental health matters then you might limit how much you are able to support them, as getting too deep could affect your own mental health or cause further issues for your loved one’s state. Instead, you might suggest they seek out professional help from a therapist.
Financial: You might set financial boundaries around how much you are willing to contribute to a loved one’s care, or whether or not you will take on the role of power of attorney.
When setting boundaries it’s important to prioritize your own needs, and, even more importantly, that once you set a boundary you stick to it. It might feel uncomfortable, but if you bend your boundary once, then it’s very likely that people around you will try to bend it again and again. The more consistent you are the more likely that your boundaries will be respected. And, if not, then at least you can decide how you want to handle someone who constantly disrespected your needs.
Accepting Help
While caregivers can sometimes feel like they’re all on their own, that is usually not the case. There are likely many people in your orbit who are eager to offer a helping hand to make your life easier, so why not take them up on it?
Accepting help doesn’t make them weak, it makes them human, and there’s a good chance it will also make them better and more efficient at their jobs. If you accept help, whether that’s someone picking up groceries for you, or spending an hour or two with the older adult you care for so that you can have some time to yourself, it’s going to help you better prioritize your needs and show up as a more present and engaged caregiver.
Many older adults can be stubborn about accepting help from their loved ones, which might have already caused tension in your relationship, so if you show that you are willing to accept help from the people you love then it might have the ripple effect of making it easier for the person you care for to accept help from you. The truth is that nobody should have to go through difficult events alone, so be open to receiving support from the people who love you.
Minding the Mind
Our final tip on how to strengthen relationships and your responsibilities is to make sure you’re taking care of your mind and the mind of the person you are caring for.
While we all know that we should care for our bodies by eating well and exercising, our minds don’t always get the same kind of attention. However, mental health not only plays a huge role in our happiness and general contentment, but also in the health of our relationships. If you or the older adult you care for are struggling with a condition like depression or anxiety, then it’s not unreasonable to assume that your relationship might be strained because of it.
While loved ones can often be a source of support for our mental health, they might also know how to push all the wrong buttons, and when you are in a position of caring for someone else and all the responsibilities that entails, it can be easy for a minor case of anxiety to quickly spiral out of control.
That’s why it’s so important to focus on how to care for your mind through healthy habits like exercise, meditation, getting enough sleep, spending time outside in nature, and talking to a therapist. You might also talk to your doctor to find out if they have any further suggestions on how you can best care for your mental health.
If it’s your loved one who is struggling then you might encourage them to pursue the same healthy habits listed above. You might even both engage in some of these activities. Even if it’s only one of you who is struggling with mental health, it’s never a bad idea to practice good mental health hygiene!
Strengthening any relationship takes time, so try not to lose patience. There are going to be some days that feel amazing, and others where it will feel like you have taken ten steps back. But, if you stick with the above tips and focus on respect, listening, and maintaining your own health and boundaries, slowly but surely you’ll be building a stronger relationship and making yourself a more responsible and attentive caregiver in the process.
