Whether you’re a career caregiver, or someone who has stepped up to care for a loved one, the role of a caregiver can be wildly rewarding and wonderful. You get to know the person you’re caring for on an entirely different level, and you tend to learn a lot about yourself along the way. Caregiving can teach patience and organizational skills, and can also help those doing it develop a healthy sense of humor. 

However, despite the many positives, caregiving can also come with a host of challenges for both parties. Tensions and resentment often rise to the top, and, if left unattended to, those feelings can quickly bubble over and become a major problem. 

Even if you feel like the relationship you have with the older adult you care for is in a good place, there are always ways to improve upon a good thing. Relationships need attention and care in order to thrive, so it’s always a good idea to pay attention to weak areas so that you can make your bond as strong as possible. So, whether your relationship is struggling or you just feel like it could use a little boost, let’s look at five ways that you can give level up and keep the relationship healthy. 

Respect

Respect is crucial in order to have a healthy relationship with someone else. But what is it exactly? The definition of respect means to hold someone in high regard and admire them, but how do you show respect and earn it in return? The answer isn’t exactly a simple one. 

Many people are going to have a different idea of how someone can be respectful to them, and for many people, it’s a feeling that they get from someone else, rather than their actions. Of course, this doesn’t mean that your actions aren’t important, but that the way you compose yourself and your general attitude is just, if not more, important than the actions you take. 

If you’re feeling lost on where to start, you might consider writing down your own list of what you consider to be respectful behavior towards yourself. Then, you can reflect on whether or not you’re exhibiting that same behavior towards the older adult you care for. 

If you feel comfortable you could also ask the older adult you care for to tell you when they feel most respected, either by you or other people around them. 

Of course, some people confuse respect for having other people doing whatever they want for them and never pushing back on unreasonable requests. While doing that is not respectful, the way you respond to those kinds of requests can determine your level of respect for that person. For example, if you find yourself in that scenario then a respectful way to respond would be to immediately let them know in a calm, kind way that you hear them and are not able to do what they wish, but offer some other solutions instead. A non-respectful way to respond would be to roll your eyes and yell, or simply not answer at all. 

So much respect is about putting judgement aside and really trying to understand someone else’s point of view. This doesn’t mean you always need to agree, but it’s making space for someone else’s feelings and not making them feel like they’re stupid or wasting your time. 

Queensland Government lays out some other great suggestions on how you can best be respectful to someone else, but some highlights include:

• Speak directly to someone. Never speak or gossip behind their back. If there is an issue you need to address, make sure you speak to them directly.
• Respond to someone as soon as possible. Sometimes people avoid responding to a request because they feel bad saying no, but it will be more hurtful and disrespectful to ignore or put off responding than it is to just politely and quickly say no. That way they can focus on finding someone else to help them instead of trying to get you to respond. 
• Be sensitive with your humor. While everyone likes a joke now and then, make sure your humor doesn’t put down the older adult you care for or is insensitive towards others.

Respect can take some time to build up, so be patient, but focusing on respect can dramatically improve a relationship, so it’s well worth the time.

Curiosity and Listening

Curiosity and listening are both key elements of respect, but they feel important enough to warrant their own spot on this list. 

Humans all share the same basic need: to be heard. Although many unfairly criticize teenagers for complaining that they are not being properly understood, it’s not just those who are going through the confusing stages of puberty that can feel like they aren’t being seen by those around them. 

Many older adults feel isolated and dismissed by their family and other members of society. And it can be easy for people to patronize members of older generations because they might not be as up to date on current technology, or might take a bit longer than others to catch up in a conversation. However, this does not mean that those in older generations are not worthy of being listened to, or that they don’t have important wisdom to share. 

The reality is that the older adult you care for has a rich inner life and is likely more than willing to talk with you about it, you just have to take the step and ask.  

Showing interest in the life of the older adult you care for can go a long way towards building trust in your relationship. However, it’s something important to remember is that listening is a huge part of how you can demonstrate your interest and care. Make eye contact, ask questions and remain engaged while they speak so that they can see that this is as meaningful for you as it is for them. 

And it’s good to remember that while most people want to be heard, not everyone wants solutions or advice. Sometimes someone might want to share something frustrating or difficult that they’re experiencing without any kind of resolution. While of course there might be times when you need to set a boundary and stop talking about something difficult (we’re covering boundaries next!), if what the person is telling you about is not harmful to you or them and it’s not something that they’re ruminating on, then the best course of action might be to simply let them process their thoughts without you providing any kind of feedback. 

When in doubt, follow advice from Medium that suggests that you ask your loved one whether or not they want any advice. If the answer is no then be prepared to sit back and listen attentively until they have said everything they want to say.  

Boundaries

It can be difficult to put up boundaries, especially if you’re doing it for the first time with someone you are very close to. Family and other loved ones might be very resistant to the idea of you not being available to them in the same way you were before, but while it might seem counterintuitive, putting boundaries in place in your relationships can strengthen your bond and help you better attend to your tasks and responsibilities. 

Stanford outlines how boundaries are important for building trust, respect and safety within a relationship, regardless of what kind of relationship it is. Yes, it’s very normal to struggle with establishing your boundaries, but reminding yourself of the positive outcomes can help you stick to them. Here are a few things to consider:

Reflect: It can be easy to speak out of turn in a moment of frustration, but it’s important to think about your boundaries and what you need when you’re feeling calm and relaxed and have time to sit down on your own. Reflect on what you need and where you’ve been struggling, and identify what you need in order to feel better. 

Specificity: Setting clear boundaries makes following them a lot easier. Boundaries might be set in several areas, for example:

Time: You might limit the time you are able to spend with your loved one to certain hours of the day or the week. 

Emotional: You might not be willing to discuss certain things, such as your romantic life or a particular trauma that you aren’t comfortable reliving. An emotional boundary might also be about the other person. If the individual you care for is dealing with some serious mental health matters then you might limit how much you are able to support them, as getting too deep could affect your own mental health or cause further issues for your loved one’s state. Instead, you might suggest they seek out professional help from a therapist.

Financial: You might set financial boundaries around how much you are willing to contribute to a loved one’s care, or whether or not you will take on the role of power of attorney. 

When setting boundaries it’s important to prioritize your own needs, and, even more importantly, that once you set a boundary you stick to it. It might feel uncomfortable, but if you bend your boundary once, then it’s very likely that people around you will try to bend it again and again. The more consistent you are the more likely that your boundaries will be respected. And, if not, then at least you can decide how you want to handle someone who constantly disrespected your needs. 

Accepting Help

While caregivers can sometimes feel like they’re all on their own, that is usually not the case. There are likely many people in your orbit who are eager to offer a helping hand to make your life easier, so why not take them up on it?

Accepting help doesn’t make them weak, it makes them human, and there’s a good chance it will also make them better and more efficient at their jobs. If you accept help, whether that’s someone picking up groceries for you, or spending an hour or two with the older adult you care for so that you can have some time to yourself, it’s going to help you better prioritize your needs and show up as a more present and engaged caregiver. 

Many older adults can be stubborn about accepting help from their loved ones, which might have already caused tension in your relationship, so if you show that you are willing to accept help from the people you love then it might have the ripple effect of making it easier for the person you care for to accept help from you. The truth is that nobody should have to go through difficult events alone, so be open to receiving support from the people who love you. 

Minding the Mind

Our final tip on how to strengthen relationships and your responsibilities is to make sure you’re taking care of your mind and the mind of the person you are caring for.

While we all know that we should care for our bodies by eating well and exercising, our minds don’t always get the same kind of attention. However, mental health not only plays a huge role in our happiness and general contentment, but also in the health of our relationships. If you or the older adult you care for are struggling with a condition like depression or anxiety, then it’s not unreasonable to assume that your relationship might be strained because of it. 

While loved ones can often be a source of support for our mental health, they might also know how to push all the wrong buttons, and when you are in a position of caring for someone else and all the responsibilities that entails, it can be easy for a minor case of anxiety to quickly spiral out of control. 

That’s why it’s so important to focus on how to care for your mind through healthy habits like exercise, meditation, getting enough sleep, spending time outside in nature, and talking to a therapist. You might also talk to your doctor to find out if they have any further suggestions on how you can best care for your mental health. 

If it’s your loved one who is struggling then you might encourage them to pursue the same healthy habits listed above. You might even both engage in some of these activities. Even if it’s only one of you who is struggling with mental health, it’s never a bad idea to practice good mental health hygiene! 

Strengthening any relationship takes time, so try not to lose patience. There are going to be some days that feel amazing, and others where it will feel like you have taken ten steps back. But, if you stick with the above tips and focus on respect, listening, and maintaining your own health and boundaries, slowly but surely you’ll be building a stronger relationship and making yourself a more responsible and attentive caregiver in the process. 

Everyone wants to take care of the people they love. Many wedding vows have the line “in sickness and in health,” and most children would do anything to keep their parents around a little longer. Because of this, it’s common for children to become caregivers for their parents, or a senior becomes a caregiver for their spouse. Sadly, for some, the choice as to whether or not to become a caregiver is not given to them, as the cost for care can often be prohibitive. 

Regardless of the reasons why you have become a caregiver, the reality is that you are one, and being the person to provide full time support to a loved one can be a heavy and difficult task. While there are certainly rewards to caregiving, it can also be very easy to become burnt out, especially if you’re dealing with an already strained relationship. 

That’s why it is so important that you do what you can to care for yourself first. It might sound counterintuitive to prioritize yourself, but you’ll be a better caregiver to your loved one if you’re looking after yourself and making sure you are getting adequate rest and time to enjoy life. Many caregivers struggle with feelings of guilt if their entire lives don’t revolve around the loved one they’re caring for, so let’s start small, shall we? Here are some tips for taking care of yourself, from little things to do right now, to how to tackle the long term. 

Schedule a Bit of You-Time 

It’s likely you already have to keep a fairly predictable schedule in order to care for your loved one. They might need medications at a certain time, have daily appointments or physical therapy. Routine is also very useful, as Northwestern Medicine points out, for their health, so it’s likely you try to keep things predictable. If this is the case, then why not use the advantage that a set schedule gives you to carve out a few minutes to do something that’s just for you. This is not about getting in an hour long workout every day (although if that’s available to you go for it), but something like five minutes to do a guided meditation, a stretching routine, or even playing a word game on your phone while enjoying a cup of coffee can do the trick. Schedule five minutes of you-time every day when you know you can take it, maybe before your loved one gets up, while they’re at an appointment, or during a nap. Sometimes we need scheduled reminders to focus on ourselves, so start adding a little bit of you-time into your day. 

Movement 

We all know that exercise is good for us, but when you’re preoccupied with the care you have to provide for someone else, it can be easy to find yourself going weeks without any kind of movement. Sometimes you literally do not have time in the day. It’s completely understandable to find yourself struggling to fit a workout in, but the unfortunate reality is that exercise is vitally important to your health. It can help to prevent a host of serious health conditions such as cardiovascular issues, high blood pressure, and type 2 diabetes. Exercise has also been shown to have a very positive impact on the state of our mental health, as shown by Mayo Clinic – something that might be even more important as you navigate your role as a caregiver. 

The good news is that any amount of exercise is better than no exercise at all, and you might be surprised at how even a little bit of movement can change your mood. Start small. If you are sitting for a large portion of your day, try to challenge yourself to stand up and simply walk a few steps every hour. If you normally take the escalator at the bus station, try going for the stairs instead. Once you’re comfortable with little additions like those, then you can progress to something bigger like going for a run or taking a class, but for now, focus on getting movement in small doses. 

Stay Hydrated

Staying appropriately hydrated is important to help us feel our best. When you’re busy it can be easy to forget to drink water, or rely exclusively on sugary or caffeinated beverages to keep you going. While there’s nothing wrong with enjoying coffee or the occasional sweet drink, it’s important to focus on water or unsweetened herbal teas as your main sources of hydration. These drinks will keep you hydrated without the common jitters or sugar crashes that come from caffeine and sugar. 

In terms of exactly how much water to drink, there’s no hard and fast rule, as outlined by Harvard Health. Often, six to eight glasses a day are enough, but a good way to tell if you are getting enough water is by checking your pee! If it’s a faint yellow then that’s a good indication that you’re getting adequate hydration. If it’s completely clear then you’re probably overhydrated, which doesn’t offer any additional benefits, and will likely just make you run to the bathroom more often. Of course, if you are very active or live in a hot climate, then you might need to drink more than six to eight glasses to meet your daily hydration needs. Always drink when you’re thirsty, and, if you find that you are constantly thirsty even if you’re drinking enough then it might be a good time to visit your doctor, as that can be a sign of an underlying health condition. 

For some people, it can be struggle to drink enough water because they don‘t like the taste, or simply find it boring. If you can relate, then try these tips:

• Add fruit like strawberries, grapefruit, lime or lemon – you can even get a water bottle that has a fruit infuser built into its design
• Purchase some sugar-free water drops that come in flavors like watermelon and lemonade
• Switch out one of your glasses of water for a flavored soda water
• Prep a big jar of herbal tea to keep in your fridge to grab some whenever you want 
• Get a fun water bottle with inspirational quotes on it to keep you drinking throughout the day

Finally, if you can, try to drink a glass of water as soon as you wake up every morning. It can be helpful to get you into a routine of hydration throughout the day, and what better way to set you up for success? Establish a Bedtime Routine

Getting a solid night’s rest is one of the best things we can do for our health. It keeps stress and weight levels in check, and can protect against serious health conditions like heart disease, stroke and depression. Unfortunately, it’s often people with jam packed schedules like caregivers, who have some of the worst sleeping habits. One of the reasons for this is something called revenge bedtime procrastination. 

Revenge bedtime procrastination, according to the Sleep Foundation, is when someone purposefully prolongs their waking hours so that they can have some time to themselves, usually to go out with friends or stay up watching TV. This is done despite knowing that these actions will negatively impact their sleep and lead to unpleasant consequences for doing so. However, people do it out of an anger at how full their days are, and out of a desire to gain back some time (even if it endangers their health and makes them exhausted in the process).

It’s incredibly frustrating and demoralizing to not be able to do the things you enjoy. Everyone should be able to watch an episode of tv or go out for a drink with friends when they want to, but risking your health just isn’t worth it, and it won’t help the situation in the long run. Instead, if you focus on building up healthy habits like a good sleep routine, you might find yourself better able to tackle and organize your schedule so that you do end up with time to do the things you love. 

When thinking about how to build a good sleep routine, here are some things to consider:

• Clean, comfortable bedding can help you sleep more soundly. If cost is an option check out sales at places like TJ Maxx. If eating in bed make sure to wipe away any crumbs. 
• Check the temperature – while it might be tempting to turn up the heat in the winter, it’s been shown that cold temperatures actually help you sleep better! The perfect temp will vary from person to person, so experiment with what works for you. If you feel a little cool try adding on a cozy blanket instead of automatically jacking up the heat. Your sleep and your utilities will thank you! Of course, in a cold climate never turn your heat off, as that could be dangerous to you and your home, but see if you can sleep with the temperature between 65 to 68 degrees. 
• No screens – instead, try to do something relaxing before bed, like reading, stretching, sketching or journaling. 
• Have a warm shower or bath – for many people this is a great way to relax in the evening.
• Lights out – lights can be distracting and keep our minds from settling. If you find this to be a distraction, it might be worth trying an eye mask to help you get some shut eye. 
• Noise? Yes? No? For some people, it’s hard to fall asleep in silence, so a white noise machine, gentle music, or a guided meditation might be helpful. For others, earplugs might be the key to getting a good night’s sleep. 

Community

There’s a reason you don’t hear stories about cave men and women living alone in a bachelor cave – they wouldn’t have survived! They needed each other to provide for each other, survive the elements, share stories and laugh. While we don’t need to worry about saber tooth tigers today, community is still vitally important to our wellbeing. In fact, making time for relationships that are important to you can help ease symptoms of depression and anxiety, improve your immune system and contribute to an overall feeling of happiness and satisfaction with life. 

It can be difficult to schedule time for friends and family when you’re looking after a loved one, so aim for something low-key to begin with. Maybe a friend or family member can even spend time with you while you’re with your loved one. They might join you for a walk or a meal, which is ultimately enriching for both of you. 

Focus on quality time, not going out to check out the hot new restaurant. Once you have carved out more balance in your life then you can go after that as a goal, but right now you should focus on having meaningful interactions with the people you love, which might just mean taking 15 minutes to bond over coffee before both of you start your day. 

Set Boundaries

One of the most important things to do when agreeing to take on the care of a loved one is to set some solid boundaries. While they will obviously have some specific needs you’ll have to attend to, if you’re taking on their care then they are likely still alert enough to be able to have a little bit of independence. So figure out what your boundaries are and make sure they are clear to your loved one. This might mean giving you time to enjoy a walk in the morning, or not disturbing you at night unless it’s an emergency. It can sometimes be difficult for caregivers to set boundaries, but it’s crucial in order to protect your mental health and keep the relationship between the two of you in a healthy state. You can also encourage them to set boundaries with you. Here are a few things to remember when setting boundaries. 

• It’s OK to say no
• Your boundaries can’t force someone else to abandon their values or opinions
• It’ll feel uncomfortable at first, but it will get easier with time

Time Away

When caring for a loved one it can feel like you need to be there at every waking moment, but that’s not healthy for either of you. You need time away, and it’s good for them to have other relationships as well. While it might not be feasible right at the start, eventually you can build up a roster of people who you trust with your loved one who can step in to provide a bit of support so that you can take some time for yourself. This might mean a friend coming to watch them while you take a yoga class, or your partner stepping in so you can go to the movies. Maybe it even gets to the point where you can have a full vacation, knowing your loved one is safe at home. 

This might take quite a bit of time, but if you put care into your community, then hopefully those relationships will be available to you. Of course, never take advantage of somebody’s empathy, and never leave your loved one in the care of someone you don’t trust. 

Hopefully this article has given you the groundwork to start caring for yourself a little better. Remember, if you care for you, then that translates into being a better caregiver.