As your parents age, it’s important to consider the next steps in their journey. Many people are resistant to thinking about future health needs, as it might suggest a lack of independence or autonomy. However, planning for the future allows for a feeling of safety and control, instead of a lack of it. Regardless of whether or not someone stays in good health, it’s perfectly normal to have to adjust routines as one ages. Imagine yourself as a figure skater: in your 70s you might still be able to move smoothly on the ice, but no matter how fit you are, you’re not going to be able to do a triple axel anymore (at least, without hurting yourself very, very badly). Bodies and minds change, and that’s a normal part of aging. Instead of resisting it and getting angry, it’s important to find ways to adjust your life so it’s still exciting and enjoyable, while making accommodations for your current needs.
As an adult child of aging parents, you can help them think about and plan for their future care needs so that everyone is involved and knows what to expect. This is helpful for them but can also help you prepare for how you want to handle your own future when the time comes.
Talk Early and Often
When it comes to care plans you should start talking about them as early as possible, preferably before anything becomes an urgent issue. If you want until a problem has become too difficult to ignore, then it’s more likely that the solution for it will not be to everyone’s liking, because finding care as soon as possible will trump finding care that everyone is excited about.
So, to avoid that, sit your parents down early. This might be in their late 60s, or whenever they start to discuss retiring or scaling back. Here are a few things to think about:
What is Their Vision?
When you sit down with your parents one of the first things you should ask them is what they their future to look like? Are they planning to downsize? Would they like to keep their house? Do they want to be taking care of a full estate as they age, or are they looking to take on help? Would they like to be a part of a retirement community? Would they like to travel? Getting an idea of what their wishes are can determine some of your followup questions, such as:
What Happens if Their Plan Isn’t Doable?
Many older adults might have a set image of what their lives will be, but don’t have any flexibility around the idea of changing up that image. Yes, it might be an appealing prospect to live out one’s life in a large home and be out and about driving, running, gardening and socializing up until the very end, but the reality is that that is not realistic for everyone. Illness, injury, and mental health all might impact your parents’ ability to live life the way they’d prefer, and it’s important to consider alternative options for care should the need arise. So, if they want to live in their home, what is the plan going to be if they suddenly aren’t able to care for it anymore? Do they have somewhere else they would move, or would they bring care into their home full time, and if that’s the backup plan can they afford it?
Finances
Finances play a large role into what kind of care plan your parents are going to be able to make. Having full time care in their own home might be the option that they like the best, but, according to A Place for Mom, the average hourly rate for home care in the United States is $30, which is likely out of reach for a large portion of the population. And that’s just a basic number for care, the cost is going to go a lot higher if either of your parents have complex medical issues that require expensive medications, medical devices or specialized care.
This is a good time for you to have an honest and transparent conversation with your parents and their finances to discuss what care options are actually available to them. Of course, when planning for the final chapter of one’s life it can be difficult, because no one ever knows exactly how much time they have. So while no one wants to be stingy and not be able to go after what’s enjoyable to them, it’s also important not to overspend and then end up destitute several years down the road.
Senior Lifestyle offers some good tips about different payment options for pensions or retirement savings, as well as what kind of healthcare support may be available to older adults. You can also speak to your bank to find out whether they have any financial advisors on staff who might be a good fit for your parents and their specific needs.
This is also a good time to discuss any financial contributions you are able to make, if any. Some adult children are in a very comfortable position and happy to help out their parents financially, while others might not be able to, or even if they are, the relationship may not be a happy one, and so you might not be as keen to get involved in financial affairs with your parents. You are never under any obligation to support your parents with money, but it is still important to bring up the subject, even if it seems uncomfortable. You don’t want there to be any confusion when it comes to finances, as misunderstandings can end up creating tension and derailing plans that were put in place with a false idea of how much money would be available.
It’s also important to bring up your situation because even if you believe that you have a clear understanding, if you start to help your parents more and more then sometimes the lines can be blurred and resentment (and costs!) can quickly pile up. Here are a few costs to consider that could become easy to get tangled up in.
- Driving. If you’re driving your parents to several appointments or errands then the cost of gas can quickly add up. You might be OK with an occasional favor, but if you’re frequently ferrying your parents around, especially if you’re missing work for it, then your wallet could take a serious hit. If you’re fine with that and comfortable swallowing the cost then that’s fine, but if the idea of that makes you uncomfortable then it’s worthwhile having a plan in place with your parents. Perhaps that they pay part of your gas fills, or pay if you drive them more than a certain amount each week.
- Errands. Picking up an occasional jug of milk and some apples for your parents once and awhile is one thing, but it’s another entirely if you agree to pick up their groceries for them and then they never offer to pay you back. Having an easy repayment system in place by using e-transfer, or you might agree to take their card to the shops so that they can pay directly are a few ways to address this issue.
One of the most common reasons for arguments is money, so get the discussion out of the way so that you can focus on your parents’ health. This doesn’t mean that you won’t keep talking about and or that circumstances and feelings can’t change, but if you bring it up early then it will simply become part of your regular check-ins about your parents’ health.
Who Else is Involved
It’s good to know who else is involved in your parents’ care, and who is a member of their support network, as medical professionals, and other friends and family who can be called to help out or should be contacted in the case of an emergency.
This information is also important to have available so that you know who to contact in the event that your parents are not able to call themselves, such as in the event of a serious injury or due to serious cognitive decline.
It’s also good to talk to your parents about how important socialization is for maintaining good mental health, as outlined by Cleveland Clinic. Many older adults tend to withdraw from public life due to depression, or sometimes feelings of embarrassment at their changing abilities due to age. But a robust support network and community is so important for staying healthy and could make a big difference in your parents’ longevity.
How Much Are You Involved
Obviously you are reading this because you’re involved in your parents’ care plan to some extent, but exactly how much are you involved with or willing to be involved with? Are you agreeing to taking them to a weekly appointment? Are you quitting your job to become a full time caregiver? There’s a wide range of options available in terms of you getting involved, and so much of these conversations are going to be about possibilities that may never come to pass. In an ideal world your parents will need minimal help, but if they suddenly need intensive care are you able and willing to provide it? Sometimes you may want to provide it but not be able to due to other dependents or a demanding work schedule. And, what if things change? Your life might be open and your parents are healthy right now, but in 10 years things could take a turn for the worse and you might not be as free as you once were. You don’t want to drive yourself crazy with worst case scenarios and “what ifs” but it’s also important to be realistic about the fact that circumstances can change over the years.
Power of Attorney
An important part of making a healthcare plan is your parents deciding who they want to appoint as power of attorney. Power of attorney is someone who can make financial or healthcare decisions for someone else in the event that they are unable to do so for themselves due to incapacitation or not being available for something in person. Of course, choosing a power of attorney doesn’t mean they need to be active right now, but choosing when during complete mental fitness is important as it means that your parents can be put at ease knowing that someone they trust will be handling their affairs should they need to. Your parents can even appoint more than one power and attorney, and either have both of them decide on decisions together, or have different people assigned to different tasks, such as one person to healthcare and another to finances.
If your parents choose you to be their power of attorney then it’s important to also have a discussion about what their wishes are. Such as how they want their money managed, and what kind of medical decisions they want made during serious situations. For example, if they are ill and extraordinary measures would need to be taken (as in medical procedures that could be extremely painful and invasive) in the hopes of prolonging life – do they want that? Some may want any and all measures taken, while others may prefer to be peacefully let go if that situation comes up. Talking about this will also help your parents make their choice because it’s important that they choose a power of attorney who will honor their wishes no matter how much it might go against their own. It is unimaginably hard to accept the sickness or passing of someone you love, but it’s also important to let them have dignity and autonomy even if they’re no longer able to advocate for themselves. Find out more about choosing and the role of power of attorney at the American Bar Association.
Make Changes Early
Your parents might still be in excellent health but it’s clear that there are already mobility issues or certain tasks like cleaning or mowing the lawn that are proving to be more difficult than they once were. Instead of waiting until cleaning becomes impossible or your parent has a bad fall, why not make the changes now that you know you’re going to have to make later? Arrange to get in a weekly cleaner and make the neighbor’s kid happy by giving them a few bucks for mowing the lawn when the grass gets too tall? If your parents are struggling with balance, install grab bars in their home and clear the house of clutter to avoid tripping hazards.
While some people might be resistant to making changes before they think they “need to” it could actually be incredibly helpful. Sometimes a task like cleaning might be causing a lot of stress that your parent isn’t even conscious of, and taking it off their plate can help them focus on activities they enjoy instead of worrying about how they’re going to clean the top of their cupboards.
Make a Sleep, Diet and Exercise Plan
Back to the basics! Our final tip for building a care plan is to chat with your parents about their sleeping, eating and exercise routines. These things are the foundation of health, and can help prevent some conditions from developing, and can help manage symptoms if a condition is already present. Even if your parents have limited mobility it’s still important to find routines that move their bodies and help them to feel good and refreshed.
It’s a lot to think about, but once you get the ball rolling with the first conversation you’ll soon be confident in a solid care plan for your parents that will last years into the future.
