It’s never easy to watch the people we love suffer. It’s normal to want to offer help and support to our family and friends when we see them struggling, and accepting that help when it’s needed is an important function of society. There’s absolutely no shame in getting help, but unfortunately a lot of seniors have trouble accepting help, especially if it’s coming from their children.
While this might be frustrating, try to put yourself in your mom or dad’s shoes. They’ve spent their lives being the grown up, the one that you can rely on, and now suddenly it’s you they have to rely on instead of the other way around. That can be a difficult pill to swallow, so many parents try to shut their children down and refuse help instead of accepting that they are growing older and that it’s natural for relationships to change with time. Northwestern Medicine lays out several other reasons why seniors might struggle to accept help as well, such as not wanting to be a burden, and fear of losing independence.
With this thought in mind let’s look at the steps you should take if you find that your parents are being resistant to help. Hopefully with a bit of time they will change their mind, but if not, it’s important to do everything you can to still support them so that there is someone there for them whenever they might be in need.
Listen
One of the best things you can do when you are in a disagreement with someone is to stop and listen to them, and really, truly listen. You probably mean well, but we can often become a little blinded when it comes to the people we love, and you might be so overcome with your desire to help that you have actually stopped paying attention to what your parents want and need. If your parents are refusing help then instead of getting angry and trying to force the issue, set aside some time to take them out for coffee and ask them how they’re feeling. You might discover that what you thought was a problem is actually not bothering them all that much, or that what they need help with is really something else. You might have seized upon an issue and just decided what they needed, instead of doing some real investigating. And, understandably it resulted in some push back.
Most people just want to be heard, and your parents are no different. If you truly want to be of help to them, then ask how you can be, and hear them if they tell you that they’re actually doing OK. You can’t force someone to accept your help, even if you really believe that they need it. Plus, if you have an open and honest conversation you might find that your parents really are all right on their own. This is also a great opportunity to find out if there is anything that your parents do feel they need your help with. Think about your own life, hasn’t there been a time where you really needed a hand but then you were supported in the wrong way? That was probably super annoying! So, listen to your parents – you might be surprised by what they have to say.
Provide Resources
Sometimes your parents might want to get help, but are too embarrassed to admit it to you. However, if this is the case then instead of constantly asking them if they need help, make sure that they have everything they need to be able to get the support they need, even if it means doing it in private.
Consider making a list of resources for them. This might look like researching assisted living homes on sites such as A Place for Mom, or where to look to find a caregiver that can come to their home. It might look like researching personal trainers, dietitians, or therapists. Be as thorough as you can, and be sure to include important information such as who accepts Medicare and whether or not the therapist they’re looking into covers topics such as grief and depression.
It might be easier for your parents to seek help if they are given time and space on their own to look over their options, so give them everything they need to do that. Many seniors will likely prefer a folder with hard copies of these resources, but if you know they’re more likely to use an email then that is another good option.
Bring in Backup
Just as your parents might need some help, you might need some help to get them that help. Try saying that five times fast! Your parents might not be super responsive if you’re the only person in their lives who are bringing up these issues, but if several other people voice similar concerns then it’s probably going to make it a bit harder for them to ignore. This doesn’t mean you need to stage a full-scale intervention, but sitting your parents down for a conversation with your siblings or a few of their trusted friends might be more impactful than if you were to bring up your worries on your own.
The additional benefit to doing this is that you are also showing your parents that they have a strong support network, and it can also help put your mind at ease to know that there are other people who care just as deeply about your parents’ health.
If you are planning to go this route then here are a few things to keep in mind:
- What are your major concerns – you don’t want to be searching for words when addressing your parents, so make sure you and everyone else know the points you want to cover
- What are some solutions – if your parents are open to getting help then they might not immediately want solutions, but it’s still a good idea to have an idea of what you think a good resolution is. It’s not particularly useful to bring up an issue but not offer any way of solving it.
- How would your parents want you to approach this? Only bring this subject up in a place where your parents can feel comfortable and safe to express their feelings. This might look like bringing it up over dinner, while out for a walk, or through a goofy powerpoint. You know your parents the best, so you can devise the way in which it will be best received.
- Anticipate that your parents might feel defensive. Allow space for them to express their hurt and anger, and then calmly reiterate the reason why you are having this conversation in the first place.
There’s no reason why you should have to try to help your parents all on your own. Bring in the other members of their community to help.
Another Kind of Backup…
While the perfect scenario is of course your parent agreeing to get help, there are going to be some parents who simply won’t be budged. In that case, not only is it good to have backup, but it’s also good to have a backup…plan.
If your parents refuse help you don’t want to be scrambling to find care providers when things start to go downhill. If you took the earlier advice of making a list of resources, then you’re already well on your way to having a good backup plan. A backup plan is a great thing to discuss with the rest of your parents’ network so that everybody is on the same page about what to do if one of your parents has an injury or is experiencing a dramatic reduction in their physical or cognitive abilities. Some people avoid making a backup plan because they don’t want to think about the unpleasant circumstances that would necessitate its use, but it’s going to be unpleasant either way…So, what do you think will be worse – things goings badly and having no plan, or things going badly and knowing exactly what your next move is?
Prioritize
It may be true that your parents need help with many things, but it can also be true that not all of those things are going to be of equal importance right now. If you are finding your parents to be highly resistant to the idea of getting help, then it might be a good idea to only focus on the issue that is the most urgent. That doesn’t mean you forget about the other problems, but if your parent has a serious medical condition that they’re not getting treatment for, then that is a lot less pressing then them not being able to mow their lawn regularly anymore. Focus on the most urgent issue. Lay out all of your concerns, and tell your parents exactly what is likely to happen if they leave the matter unaddressed. Be patient but persistent, and don’t allow yourself to be distracted by the other matters that you feel your parents need help with. Sometimes people might refuse help because they’re overwhelmed with all of the things in their lives that they feel are spiraling out of control. By narrowing the issue down to one thing it might make it feel easier to tackle. Then, once that matter is being attended to you can go down the list of items one by one.
Be Honest
It can be easy to place blame on others, and tell your parents how irresponsible they’re being with their lives. It’s a lot harder to be vulnerable enough to talk about how upsetting it is to see your own parents growing older and being unable to care for themselves in the way they used to. But, even though it’s hard, that vulnerability might be the key to getting your parents to finally accept some help.
People tend to respond a lot better to kindness and vulnerability than they do to anger. As Mindful Health Solutions tells us, honesty is especially important for building trust. Try sitting your parents down and telling them how scared you are about their failing health. Talk about all the things you fear you’ll miss with them if they don’t accept help. This isn’t about guilt tripping them, but about being truly honest about your fears. Why are you so worried about your parents, and what are they risking? Do they love being active, but they’re not treating a health condition like diabetes that could result in them being unable to continue to do the activities they love? Are they engaging in unhealthy habits that could mean they die before they are able to have a relationship with their grandchildren? Do they have failing eyesight that is making driving dangerous to themselves and others, but they are refusing to give up their license? There are so many valid concerns to have about your parents getting older, but each case is going to be unique. Be honest about what it is that is concerning you. Make sure you’re coming at it from a place of love and compassion. This is about you wanting to make sure you have more time with them, and that they get to keep on living a vibrant and enjoyable life for as long as possible. Sometimes people just need to be shown something in a different frame for them to really see it.
Find Acceptance
Sometimes, you’ll do everything you can to support your parents, and they simply will not accept it. While we never want that to be the outcome, at a certain point there’s nothing more that you can do. Remind your parents periodically that you’ll always be there if they need you, but aside from that, sometimes you’ll just have to let it go and find a way to accept the situation. Although it can be challenging, finding acceptance can actually lower stress and increase happiness, as outlined by Psychology Today.
You might also consider putting up boundaries around how you will interact with your parents. If they are not willing to get help for a medical condition, then you aren’t willing to discuss it with them. If they won’t get a caregiver to help them with some of their more sensitive needs, then you are not going to help them bathe. It can be difficult to put up these boundaries, but they are necessary to avoid additional pain if your parents are refusing to change. Seeking out the help of your loved ones and a professional therapist is very useful in these situations.
It’s always challenging when your parents refuse to get help, but just know that you are not alone. Many other adult children are struggling with this exact same issue. And, determined as you may be, it wouldn’t be out of this world to imagine that you might be just as stubborn and headstrong several decades down the line. It’s hard to come to terms with all the changes that come with aging, and some people just need a bit more time to adjust. With these tips, hopefully the process can move a little bit more smoothly.
