It’s not uncommon for seniors to experience mental health issues as they age. There are many complex feelings that can come with the life transitions that happen during someone’s golden years. Often the grief that comes with the loss of a loved one can develop into depression, or can exacerbate a mental health condition that someone was previously keeping under control. General loneliness and a feeling of not having a purpose can also bring to light a lot of mental health conditions that may not previously have been as noticeable.
Regardless of the reason, It’s important to prepare for and anticipate that your parents might struggle with their mental health in the coming years as they continue to grow older. Very often, both children and parents alike don’t want to think about this inevitability. Most people don’t like to think about needing help, especially if they’ve historically been proudly independent. And, for adult children of aging parents, it can be very difficult to see your parents come to rely on you. However, nobody wins if you don’t talk about it, because we all know that ignoring an issue doesn’t make it go away. So, today let’s talk about how to approach this sensitive subject with your parents, and how to put a plan in place regarding mental health.
Choose the Right Moment
First things first, you need to pick the right time and place to have the initial conversation. Making an appropriate mental health plan will likely involve multiple conversations over a long period of time, but it has to start somewhere.
When planning a good time to broach the topic, think about a place where your parents are most comfortable. This will likely be somewhere private and safe, such as in their own home, or out for a walk at their favorite park. Since the topic of mental health might naturally elicit a strong emotional reaction from your parents, it is understandable that you might want to address the topic in a more public place, but you don’t want to make your parents feel trapped. They should be allowed to express their feelings of sadness or anger without worrying about strangers observing such a delicate moment. Respect your parents’ feelings by allowing them privacy and comfort in this moment. Maybe the family union at Olive Garden isn’t the time, you know? After you bring up the topic for the first time you might even decide together on the best place to discuss this topic in the future. Many people appreciate having predictability in their lives, as it makes them feel safe. So, planning regular mental health check-ins at an agreed upon places at an agreed upon time can help everyone remain calm and focused.
Have a Plan
This doesn’t have to be a rehearsed speech, but do spend some time thinking about what you’re going to say, and why you want to say it. Think about who your parents are, and what they’ll respond to best. Do they like stats? If so, they might appreciate it if you do research on the rates of mental health issues among seniors, quoting the World Health Organization on the fact that 14% of seniors over the age of 60 live with a mental disorder. Hearing solid facts might help them realize the importance of addressing mental health issues early.
Maybe your parents are worried about finances more than anything? Then come in with a solid financial plan, both in terms of how costly mental health might be for those who leave it unattended, but also the coverage options available, such as online or phone therapy covered by Medicare. Remember that you are talking about your parents’ lives, so don’t be dismissive. Demonstrate that this is a topic you have put a lot of thought into, and that you are bringing it up because you care about them living the best life possible.
Be Honest About Your Feelings
While this might seem like a conversation that is all about your parents, it’s important to be honest about the fact that a large part of it has to do with you and your own feelings about this subject. Putting a plan in place is not just about supporting your parents, but also about protecting your mental health as well. While you might feel like it’s unimportant to mention, it can actually be very helpful for your parents to know how you’re feeling. They might not realize how scary the prospect of their failing health for you is, and be more inclined to put a plan in place simply so that you can put your mind at ease. You can’t expect your parents to be honest about their struggles if you are not honest with yours, so use this as a great opportunity to open a dialogue of honesty. It might feel awkward at first, but if you can establish this pattern early, then it will make future conversations a whole lot easier.
Get Curious
Be sure to set aside time to listen to your parents about their feelings and needs. It’s highly likely that they have already spent some time thinking about this issue, and they might have a plan of their own in place. Don’t assume that you know what they want, instead get curious and ask lots of questions. If a mental health disorder is something that runs in your family or mental health is something your parents have already been struggling with, then there’s a good chance your parents have been feeling scared and concerned about how to handle it, especially if they are losing their physical mobility. Ask your parents their thoughts on what the worst case scenario is, and what they want to do to prevent it/what steps they want to take if it happens. Nobody wants to think about a worst case scenario, but it’s always good to be prepared. There are some mental health conditions where patients aren’t capable of making decisions on their own in the moment, so it’s a good idea to know what your parents’ wishes are so that you can know you are honoring their own choices if it comes down to it. When asking such personal questions of your parents it’s important to remember the above point, regarding being honest about your own feelings. You’re more likely to receive honesty if you provide it.
Picture the Perfect
When putting a mental health plan in place you want to discuss with your parents what an ideal life looks like. Most people are in pursuit of a happy life, and, if it’s framed that way, then your parents might be more likely to seek out help when they need it. Here are a few ways you can encourage your parents to imagine their perfect life:
- Tell me about a perfect day for you, from the moment you wake up to the moment you fall asleep.
- What do you value most in your life?
- What are your favorite things to do with me? What would you like our relationship to look like?
- Is there anything you would like to change about your life?
Sometimes exercises like this can uncover unexpected desires. You might find out that your parents are seeking quality time with you, and it could be beneficial to incorporate weekly dinners with them into your schedule. You might discover an unknown stressor in your parents lives that is easy to alleviate. This might be something like helping them set up automated bill payments, or assisting them in hiring a dog walker. Often people just need to make a few minor adjustments in order to live their ideal lives, but they haven’t ever stopped to think about what they truly want or need. If your parents are living a happy life, and are in tune with what they truly want, then it’s much more likely they will be able to handle life transitions in a healthy way.
Not only is this a good exercise for your parents to do, but it’s also good for you to consider as well. Some children of aging parents forget how important taking care of their own mental health is, but it’s crucial you remain in a good state if you hope to be able to support your parents during challenging periods. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone else is put up healthy boundaries. Someone struggling with their mental health can often require a lot of care, but that’s not always care that you are capable of, or even should, provide. Think about what a great relationship with your parents looks like for you, and if it’s a bit different than the one they want, try to figure out the best way to meet your and their needs so that everyone can remain healthy.
Talk Professionals
On the topic of where your capacity lies, there are some issues that are simply not suitable for you to deal with on your own. And, even if it is something you feel qualified to discuss with your parents, sometimes an outside, unbiased ear, is the best one for someone who is struggling with poor mental health. This is why it might be helpful for you to suggest to your parents that they consider including a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor, in their plan for healthy aging. There are many therapists who work exclusively with seniors, and are well versed in how to handle difficult topics such as grief, loneliness, anxiety, depression, and any other challenge your parents may be facing.
Older generations may still hold the belief that therapy is something private, that only people in dangerous situations are in need of, so be prepared to face some misconceptions and fears, as outlined by Fika Health when you broach the topic to them. Let them know that therapy is something people of all ages use as a way of helping them feel their best. You might describe it as visiting a gym or going to spa appointment, except instead of your body it’s selfcare for the mind!
Some seniors are used to keeping their emotions hidden, so they might not be aware of all the issues that are buried deep inside. Therapists can help your parents process their thoughts in a healthy way, and it’s a great addition to any mental health plan.
Support Network
An important element of keeping mental health in check is making sure your parents have a healthy support network. This can be family, friends and medical professionals, who you know your parents can turn to in times of need. Check in with your parents about who they consider to be part of their support network, not only to ensure they have enough people they can reach out to, but also so that you know the trusted people in your parents life who should stay apprised of their condition if they are not in a position to share it with them themselves.
Sometimes people can withdraw from others when they are going through a hard time. They might feel embarrassed by their condition or be worried about burdening others. However, cutting people off from your feelings can make mental health worse, as it leads to feelings of shame and embarrassment. When discussing mental health with your parents make sure to stress the importance of a support network. Something you might want to mention is that if someone is in your parents’ support network, then it’s very likely that they are part of the other person’s network as well. Community is about helping each other out. It might be easier for your parents to accept the support friends and family provide if they realize they are doing the same thing for the people they love. Everybody needs love and support, and some are more likely to be willing to provide it than they are willing to accept it. Ask your parents if they would help you out in a crisis, and if the answer is a quick yes, then ask why they wouldn’t accept the same from you?
Having these conversations with your parents aren’t always easy, but they are always worthwhile. You don’t want to wait until a situation gets bad before you act, so don’t wait to bring up this important topic. You never know when someone’s health will take a turn for the worse, and if you don’t want to be unprepared. In the best case scenario, your parents don’t need the plan you’ve put in place, but you’ve still talked through different possibilities, and know what their wishes are should you ever be in a position to make a decision for them. This can give everyone peace of mind so that you can focus on what’s most important: enjoying the time you have together.
