When parents begin aging it’s often their adult children who start to take on more responsibilities. At times the balance might even tilt so far in one direction that you start to feel like you’re the parent, while your mother or father is now the child. Because of this, it can be easy to start to feel like you know what’s best for them, and that you’re the one who needs to make all the decisions moving forward. While there are some specific situations where this might be the case, like when a parent has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and it’s progressing quickly, most of the time your parent has a lot more going for them than you might give them credit for. And, continuing to treat them like a child might lead to friction down the road. So, let’s look at some of the most common things parents wish their children knew about getting older. Hopefully it can provide you with some perspective on what your parents’ lives are like, and hope you can move forward with a better understanding of their feelings.
It Can Be Scary
It’s natural for our bodies and minds to deteriorate with age. That’s why you might notice your parents are more forgetful, or some movements, like walking down the stairs or getting up after sitting is a little bit harder for them than it used to be. However, even though this is a known part of aging doesn’t mean it’s easy for your parents to accept. It can be very difficult to acknowledge that their body doesn’t work in the same way it used to. It can feel embarrassing and scary, as for some people it signals the reality that at some point their time on earth will eventually come to an end. Of course, there are many physical exercises one can do to slow the signs of aging, and it’s important for everyone to do whatever they can to remain vibrant and healthy. But even so, it can be helpful for adult children to know that their parents might feel scared by these changes they have been noticing in themselves, and that might struggle during this transition. Ask them what they need and how you can best support them during this time.
They Can Feel Left Behind
Unfortunately the world is not always kind to those in their golden years. A lot of society, including social events, media, and even clothing, are often targeted towards younger people. Older members of society can often feel left out and even ostracized. Changing trends and technology can also make it difficult for older folks to keep up, and they might not even try, fearing that they’ll be laughed at for “being old” if they do. Some seniors even document the experience of a feeling of invisibility when interacting with others, as mentioned in Psychology Today. When you add in the lack of accessibility in so many places, it’s easy to understand why some seniors might feel abandoned by society.
Of course, not every senior has the same experiences, so it’s a good idea to check with your parents how they feel regarding this issue, as it may not be something on their mind at all. However, if it is, you might think a bit about how you interact with them and other seniors in your life. Are you excluding them from any activities due to their age, and do you ever make dismissive comments about seniors? If so, you might want to do some work on how you can make your language and behavior more inclusive. After all, if we’re lucky enough we’ll all get old, so how would you want someone to treat you when you reach that point?
They Have Goals
Given the last point, it may not be surprising to learn that some people can be dismissive of seniors having goals. Maybe even saying something as cruel as “well, they haven’t got much time left.” The reality is we never really know how much time we have left on this earth, so why limit ourselves with thoughts we can’t confirm? Even if someone only does have a few days, weeks or months left, does that mean they shouldn’t enjoy them? Having goals is good for us. UNM Health Sciences speaks on how having goals gives us purpose and something to look forward to. Encourage your parents in their goals and see if there is any way you can help. If they want to run or walk in a race, maybe you can be their new workout partner. If they want to learn how to make a perfect croissant, then who better to be the professional taster? The goal might be something bigger, such as visiting a destination they’ve always wanted to go to, or finishing a university degree. Showing your parents that you are motivated to help them reach their goals will make them feel supported, which will in turn make it a lot more likely that they’ll be able to achieve their goals. If you talk with your parents and find they don’t have any goals in mind, why not encourage them to think of some? A goal doesn’t need to be something big, it only needs to be something you are working towards, so start small, and see what else manifests from there! Who knows, maybe you’ll end up setting goals together!
Sexual Wellness is Important
It can be very uncomfortable for adult children to think about the fact that their parents have sex, but just because someone is over the age of 65 doesn’t suddenly mean they don’t have the same desires and needs that you do! As per The Lancet, Seniors still crave intimacy, feel attraction and arousal and want to be cherished by someone they love. Whether your parents are still together, separated, or one has passed, this is something that will likely still be important to them.
In the case where your parents are separated, or one has already passed, it can sometimes be much harder for adult children to accept the desire for their parent to start dating again. In this case, it might be wise for you to do your own processing, perhaps checking in with a therapist yourself about how to best accept this new stage of your parent’s life. From there you might consider having an honest conversation with your parent about how you feel and how you can both walk through this new stage together.
Of course, sex and intimacy for seniors might not look the same as it does for you. Physical limitations might inhabit some of the activities your parents used to enjoy, but there are lots of ways to adapt. Of course, there is never any need to discuss intimate acts with your parent, there are some topics that don’t need to be discussed! But, it’s important to still acknowledge your parents are full human beings capable of the same desires as you. And, once again, if this thought is holding you back from accepting your parent welcoming joy into their lives, then it’s time you do the work you need to do to get past it.
Aging is a Privilege
Everyone is going to have a different view on the aging process. For some, it’s a challenging time of transition. Just think about how many so-called “anti-aging” products are on the market right now. However, not everyone is scared of this inevitable part of life. Some welcome it, and are excited to explore this new chapter. So many people never get to grow old, so it truly is a blessing for those who do. Some young people can’t comprehend the idea of being grateful for age, but hopefully that attitude changes with time. Don’t look at your parents with sadness or, arguably the most upsetting emotion, pity. Instead, look at them with admiration and awe. They have lived a life! What can you learn from them, both in terms of the stories they must have, as well as advice on how to make it to the same age yourself one day.
It Can be Lonely
As much as there are many wonderful things about growing older, it can also be lonely sometimes. In fact, the National Institute on Aging speaks on how loneliness can be very dangerous for seniors, as it can raise the likelihood of developing several health conditions, such as high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes and depression. Loneliness can happen quite suddenly, as many seniors can undergo several life transitions all at one time, such as retirement, moving, and the loss of loved ones. In a matter of just a few years some seniors might find themselves alone in a completely foreign environment with no job or hobbies, and it doesn’t take long for them to spiral. This is why it’s so important to check in with your parents and see how their mental health is doing. A lot of adult children encourage their parents to move closer to them, which for some seniors can be a wonderful way to connect with others and maintain a close relationship with their family. However, for others it can completely remove them from their community and everything that brings them comfort. So, if you are thinking about suggesting a move, make sure to check in about how your parents are feeling and whether or not it’s the best choice for them.
They Can Make Their Own Choices
On the topic of choices, seniors can make them! Barring a situation where a serious cognitive condition is at play, most seniors still have the right to make their own choices, and you should let them! They don’t want to babied, and you don’t always know what’s best for them. And, honestly, even if you do, they might not always want to follow your advice, and that’s OK. After all, they are adults, remember? Even people with decades of life experience can make bad choices sometimes, and it’s not your responsibility to stop them. You parents might not always choose to do the most responsible or logical thing, but unless you believe it’s harmful to them or someone else, all you can really do is offer your opinion. don’t need to live life the same way you do. Just as you probably didn’t like it when your parents imposed rules on you, your parents don’t like it if you do it to them either. We’re all adults now and allowed to live life the way we want to. Sometimes you just have to let some things go.
This is a New Chapter
This is my time to try new things. Almost everyone has a list of things they’ve always wanted to try but never had the time for. For many seniors, retirement is the time to start checking off that list! Maybe they’ll use this as an opportunity to start learning piano or join a choir. Maybe they’ll take up writing or get certified as a yoga instructor. There is always space for humans to evolve, and the best thing you can do as a child is allow room for that growth. Go to their choir concert, or find a cover for their self-published book. Sometimes adult children can struggle with the idea of their parents changing from the people they’ve always known them to be, but growth generally changes people for the better. Trying new hobbies can be fulfilling and help keep us mentally healthy, so it’s something we should be actively encouraging the people we love to do, especially as they age.
Do What Brings You Joy
This last one is advice to you, that hopefully all of your parents are following today: do the things that bring you joy. Too often we do what we believe we should do, or what we think is expected of us, but that doesn’t always translate to the things we really care deeply about. Very few people lie on their deathbed wishing they’d done that extra hour of work or spent more time cleaning. Instead it’s usually about spending more time with the people they loved or taking that vacation to Paris they’d always dreamed about. When the oldest people in the world are askd their secret, it’s often that they have lived lives filled with simple pleasures and less stress. While it’s impossible to chase joy at every moment, you should certainly chase it as often as possible.
As a reminder, this list isn’t going to be the same for everyone, but hopefully it can start a dialogue between you and your parents, as well as give you some food for thought. Don’t assume you know everything about your parents and how they feel. Chances are, there’s a lot they’d like you to know, especially about getting older. So get curious, be kind, and don’t forget to include some joy.
