The new year is upon us! This usually means fewer chocolates around the house, declarations of what resolutions you plan to commit to this year, and maybe, if you’re daring, a plunge into an icy body of water to start off the year with a literal splash. And, while it might not be the first thing you want to think about, a new year is also a great time to revisit care plans and options with your aging parents.
This might be necessary because aging is unfortunately not a one and done conversation. The needs your parents will have/had at 65 are likely not the same as the ones they will have if they are lucky enough to get to their 80s and 90s. Unexpected illnesses, progressing diseases and changes in mobility and cognitive function all play a role in what sort of care your parents require as they age, and it’s important to have open and honest conversations about their needs as they evolve. Here are some tips on how to best approach this subject.
Don’t Delay
As soon as you realize that you need to revisit care needs you should schedule a time to talk about it with your parents. Many family members put off discussing these matters because they worry about embarrassing the people they love, or are simply uncomfortable talking about it. But when it comes to the health and safety of your parents you really can’t afford to wait. If you secure their needs now then you are protecting them in the future. Think about the conversation as you would a minor leak in your home. At first it might not be a big issue. In fact it might simply be a small ring on your ceiling, with maybe no water leaking out of it at all. You know you should deal with it but you don’t want to think about it. You don’t have the time and you don’t want to spend money on home repairs when you have so many other expenses to worry about.
But then, water starts coming out of your ceiling. It’s nothing big at first, just a few drops. But it makes an annoying sound and you have to move your things out of the way so they don’t get damaged. Oops, it already ruined your favorite shirt with dirty rainwater, but no big deal. Ugh, it’s going to cost even more now. But still, you don’t address it. You just put a bucket underneath the leak and hope it doesn’t rain again tomorrow.
But then it’s tomorrow. And it doesn’t rain – it pours. It’s a rainstorm like you’ve never seen and not only does the ceiling leak, but it falls in. Now you can’t use that room at all, your house is flooded and the cost of the damage is going to be astronomical. If only you had attended to that leak when it was just a little yellow ring on your ceiling.
Small problems can quickly become big ones. And, as terrible as a ceiling leak might be, it doesn’t even come close to the devastation you might experience if your parents hurts themselves or get sick rapidly because you saw an issue and didn’t address it. Of course, you can’t force someone to get help who doesn’t want it, but it’s still always better to say something. That way, even if things turn out badly you’ll at least know that you did everything you could to help.
Be Kind
It’s probably not surprising news, but it turns out that kindness is good for our mental health. Not only does being kind make us feel good about ourselves, but being kind to others can help them feel supported and less alone. For older adults, who often feel isolated, this is particularly important.
Your parents might be feeling a lot of sadness, anger, and even confusion at this point in their lives. Growing older brings a lot of difficult life transitions such as having to move to assisted living, or dealing with a body or mind that doesn’t seem to cooperate in the way it used to.
Conversations surrounding healthcare can often become heated, and as an adult child you might be frustrated by the responses of your parents, especially if they don’t agree on a course of action with you. However, getting into an argument is unlikely to help the situation, and is probably more likely to result in your parents doubling down on their feelings.
Instead, try to approach this subject in a quiet, kind and gentle way. Make sure you’re bringing up the topic in a private environment where your parents feel safe to express themselves, and at a time that allows all of you to take time to work through options. Don’t bring it up if you are pressed for time or when anyone is preparing for an important meeting or a fun social event.
If you feel like the conversation is becoming too heated then that’s a perfect time to suggest a break. Maybe you go for a walk, order take out or watch a movie. Just remember to keep the conversation going once everyone has had a chance to cool down. Remember, as hard as this is for you it’s probably a lot harder for your parents. Kindness goes a long way.
Discuss How Needs Have Changed
You’re having this conversation because something has changed. That might be because the health of one or both of your parents has declined, because a plan you had in place fell through, or because there has been a change in you or your parents’ financial situation. There’s no point in beating around the bush. Get straight to the point and talk about what has changed since you last spoke, and what kind of attention this change requires. After having a conversation you might discover that what you thought was a big problem actually had an easy solution, or you might be looking at a major shift in your life. Either way, you can’t deal with it until you face it, so just be honest with it.
Be Realistic About Finances
Never talk about money! It’s the golden rule of polite conversation. But the reality is that money controls a lot of the choices we make in our lives, and, when it comes to your aging parents you, quite literally, can’t afford to not talk about it.
Healthcare can be expensive, especially for those with complex medical needs. And, even if your parents don’t require round the clock care, moving into an assisted living facility or paying for occasional help like a caregiver or housekeeper can quickly add up.
Not only should aging parents be prepared for unexpected health concerns, but they should also be prepared for longevity! Many people want to live forever, but nobody talks about how expensive that would be! The truth is, nobody knows how long they have on this earth, and so it’s pretty hard to plan effectively! You don’t want to pinch every penny and never enjoy yourself only to die young, but you also don’t want to blow all your money only to die in poverty at 99!
PBS News offers some tips on how to approach money conversations with your parents, as well as some eye-opening stats on how expensive different types of care can be.
Everyone wants the best for their parents, but you can’t sugarcoat finances. You might have to sacrifice some wants for some needs, and that’s painful to have to face. However, nobody benefits from avoiding finances. If you take the time to see what is realistic, then it’s more likely you are able to find the funds to still be able to do the things you enjoy.
Present Options
There’s a key word in the title of this article: options. Yes, you probably have an idea of what direction you think your parents should take when it comes to their care, but you have to remember it’s not up to you. All you can do is present the best possible options to them and support them in their wishes in whatever capacity you’re capable of.
This might look like researching different assisted living facilities, or offering to help them with caregiver interviews. It might look like arranging a weekly trip to a grocery store, or helping them navigate online grocery ordering, if they are both unable to drive a car anymore.
Many older adults struggle with the feeling that their life is spinning out of their control. Maintaining independence is incredibly important to them, and providing choice is an important way to provide that. Nobody wants to feel like they’re being forced into a corner, especially by their own children.
Yes, your parents might need a caregiver, but that doesn’t mean one should be foisted upon them. Just look at studies mentioned by Psychology Today that said when presented with choice, even if the end result is the same, people and animals always preferred to be given choice as opposed to only one option. Give your parents that respect by providing them with options for their care.
What Can You Provide
It’s important to be honest with your parents about how much help you can provide during this stage of their life. While you might want to be able to provide for them full time, that might not be feasible with your job or current life situation. Promising that they can live with you and you’ll care for them and then backing out of that plan is only going to hurt them, so be sure to figure out and be transparent about what your boundaries are and what support you are able to provide, whether that support is emotional, physical labor, or financial.
If you did promise some sort of care and you have since realized that that is not a realistic promise to keep then it’s important that you alert them to this as soon as possible. The longer you wait the more uncomfortable that conversation is going to be, so remember our earlier tip and don’t delay!
Setting boundaries can be difficult, but maintaining boundaries can actually strengthen relationships and help build and improve independence, as shared by HelpGuide. You might love helping out, but it’s possible that you are enabling your parents by helping them in ways that are stressful for you and preventing them from doing something that could be beneficial to their physical or mental wellness. So don’t shy around from expressing your limitations. You can’t do everything for your parents, and it wouldn’t even help them if you could.
Discuss Their Wishes
While you might have a clear idea of what direction you think your parents’ health plans should take, they are still their own people, and they might have a very different vision than you. So, while it’s a good idea to have a plan in place before you broach this topic with them, it’s also important that you allow space in the conversation for them to vocalize their own wishes for their care.
There might be some circumstances where a parent is unable to make a choice for themselves, such as when they are experiencing a mental health crisis or severe cognitive decline. But, in most other circumstances your parents are still able to decide how they want to proceed with their health. While their wishes might anger you, try to look at it from their perspective, and truly understand why they desire things in a certain way. Get curious with them. Maybe you think they should move to a smaller place, but they are determined to stay in a large house. Are they afraid of losing their independence? Are they worried they won’t have a garden in a new home? Do they want to make sure their favorite chair follows them wherever they go? Sometimes a solution can be found with just a little bit of conversation, but you won’t know unless you ask.
Schedule Check-Ins
Finally, while it might have been some time since you originally discussed care plans, it shouldn’t be the last. Conversations about care should happen frequently, and are even more important as your parents grow older. Health conditions can change fast, and you don’t want to be making decisions in a panic when a situation has suddenly become urgent.
Instead, schedule regular check-ins, even if you feel like you don’t need them. They don’t need to be long. It could be a chat over coffee or a quick phone call. Find out how things are working with your current plans, and address any new concerns. That way you can make plans as things evolve, and you can all get comfortable with looking into the future, instead of ignoring that leak until it’s flooded your whole house.
These conversations can be heavy. It’s completely normal to experience a rollercoaster of emotions when addressing health concerns with your parents. These tips should help you navigate these tricky moments with a little bit more ease, and hopefully a healthy dose of kindness for them and yourself. The more you do it, the easier it becomes, so keep pushing through, so that you can make the most out of these precious years with your parents.
