You can see your parent is struggling and you are confident therapy would help, but you know how stubborn they are and you have a feeling the suggestion is not going to go down well, so you continue to stay silent while they suffer…
This is an issue that many children face when they see their parents are having a hard time. You know how uncomfortable the conversation is going to be so you’ve shied away from it, hoping that your parent will turn the corner and suddenly be their old self again. Unfortunately, most mental health issues don’t just disappear, and the longer you put off the awkward conversation, the worse your parent’s condition might get. So, while it’s never a pleasant task, let’s talk about how you can address the topic of therapy to your mother or father without causing alarm. After all, that momentary discomfort might result in a world of difference for your parent and the entire family.
Make a Plan
The conversation shouldn’t feel like an intervention, but you don’t want it to be an improvisation. Think about what you want to say to your parent and what kind of wording would be the most acceptable to them. If you’re in therapy yourself this might be a good situation to bring to your own therapist, who might be able to help you craft your words and think up a plan.
You should be direct but kind. Vagueness will be confusing and could cause your parent to become defensive. Instead, use clear examples of why you believe they need therapy and how you think it could help them. Make sure to make it clear that you are suggesting therapy because you care about them and want them to be happy.
It might feel silly, but practice makes perfect! It might be helpful to rehearse what you want to say in advance. Of course, don’t do this to the point where the conversation sounds scripted, but just enough that you can feel comfortable with the points you want to make. This can also give you an idea of how they might respond, so you can think of how you might answer possible questions or concerns.
Of course, you must remember to be flexible. Even if you practice there will still be unexpected questions and emotions that will come up during a conversation like this, so just remember to stay on point and remind them of all the ways you believe therapy can be useful to them.
Listen
While you might have valid reasons to worry about your parent, they might also have a lot of concerns about starting therapy, and it’s important that you are receptive to their fears. Listening to your parent might go a long way in terms of them being more open to trying new things, so be sure to take the time to answer any questions and respond to them thoughtfully. This might also be a good opportunity for you to learn something new together. If you don’t know the answer to something you could look it up and find the answer. This could also be a good time for you to present examples of mental health challenges people face so you can show your parent that they are not alone and that there is no shame in reaching out for help. If your parent feels heard then they might even crave more of that feeling and be more eager to reach out to a senior’s therapist or counselor.
Offer to Help
Often a big reason people don’t seek out help from a mental health professional is because even the seemingly simple task of doing research into finding help can feel incredibly overwhelming to someone who is suffering from something like trauma, anxiety or depression. Upon bringing up the topic of therapy you might discover that your parent is interested in pursuing it, but just doesn’t know where to start.
This is a great opportunity for you to demonstrate your support. You can walk your parent through the different options, from in-person to online therapy, or even sessions run over the phone. You can also discuss which providers accept Medicare. Sometimes someone who is struggling just need a little bit of extra help, so you might offer to meet them after their therapy session every week so that the two of you can get a coffee or go for a walk. That way they can feel confident someone will be there for them if they’re still struggling to process heavy emotions after a therapy session.
Go to Therapy Together
Just as it can be useful to discuss your own experiences in therapy with your parents, so might the suggestion of going to a session together. Family therapy can be a great way to ease your parent into therapy for the first time, and can also give you both valuable tools on how to better communicate with each other. These sessions might only happen once or twice, or it might become evident that the continuation of family sessions would be beneficial on a long term basis. So, be sure that you are comfortable with that possibility before you suggest it. You don’t want to commit to something you’re not open to. But if you have any hesitancy just remember why you wanted to suggest getting help to your parent to begin with: you want them to get better. And, if going to therapy with them will get them there, then why not give it a go?
Be Open About the Stigma
For many seniors, the idea of therapy is still unfamiliar, or maybe even taboo. While the idea of seeking help for your mental health has been normalized in recent years, there are still a lot of people, especially from older generations, who believe it’s weak or embarrassing to seek help for mental health. So, be open about that. Ask your parent how they feel about getting help, and whether or not they have any judgments or assumptions they want to share. Hopefully, by talking through their fears you can help them see that they are not alone, and that there is absolutely no shame in needing help. There are countless podcasts, articles and even movies where celebrities and everyday people talk about how much therapy has helped them. Perhaps having your parent hear that their favorite actor goes to therapy might help them get there too.
Be Respectful of Privacy
Be mindful of when and where you bring up this delicate conversation topic. It might bring up a lot of embarrassment and shame for your parent, and you want them to be able to respond to your concerns honestly, without being worried about how they appear to other people. Make sure you bring up the idea of therapy in a safe and comfortable place, such as your parent’s home or outside on a secluded walk.
Don’t bring up the idea of therapy in a public place or at a gathering of loved ones. While there might be others who agree that therapy might be a good idea for your parent, it could be easy for your parent to feel like they are being ganged up on, and they could easily get angry and defensive out of embarrassment. While it is perfectly normal that they might have those reactions to this conversation regardless, it is much more likely that you are able to have a reasonable and balanced conversation about mental health with them if they feel safe and comfortable enough to express their feelings honestly.
If you’re having trouble finding a good opportunity then the best course of action is to be direct. Reach out to your parent and tell them you’d like to discuss a sensitive issue with them and ask if they have a time that is good for them to meet. While this might feel a little formal, it can take some of the anxiety of waiting for a good moment away.
Connect to Your Own Feelings
It can be easy to want to point out all the struggles you see someone else facing. You might be tempted to say things like:
“You’re always talking about how you don’t want to be here anymore and it’s clear you need help.”
This makes total sense. It can be incredibly scary to hear someone you love sound so helpless. However, phrasing your concerns in that way can sound accusatory, and it’s very common for people on the receiving end of statements like that to get angry or deny what you’re saying. Instead, it’s always better to phrase something from your own point of view. For example:
“I feel really scared when you say that you don’t want to be here anymore.”
By using an “I” statement, your parent can see the impact that their behavior is having on you. This moves it away from it being an accusation, and instead can open up a conversation on how their behavior is affecting the people they love. You might even ask how they would feel if they heard you saying something like that, which could be a great moment of connection.
Chances are you are bringing up therapy because you are scared, sad, and maybe even angry with your parent and there’s a good chance they have no idea how big of an impact their emotions or actions have on you. By being honest and open about how you feel your parent might begin to reflect on what they’ve been experiencing and it might help them to see how much a therapist could help.
Be Patient
You might have to have this conversation a few times before your parent finally decides to see a therapist or counselor. Your parent will probably have a lot of questions, and they might even commit to going but then back out at the last moment. You must remember that this is an entirely new process for them and they are likely very scared and intimidated at trying something so new. Just as you must be patient with them, you must remind them that they must be patient as well. Many people interview a few different therapists before landing on one that they like, so let your parent know that it might take a little bit of time to find a good match, but you’ll be along with them every step of the way if they want you to be. And, if your parent does agree to give therapy a try, don’t expect to see a change overnight. It can take weeks, months and even years to rewire habits and deeply ingrained thoughts. And for many people with mental health challenges, therapy is a way for them to keep functioning at a high level, but it’s a tool they need to continue to use frequently, otherwise they might fall back into their old routines.
Let your parent know it’s perfectly normal for it to take some time to see changes, but constantly remind them how much you love them and how proud you are of them for taking this step – that encouragement can go a long way.
Be Prepared to be Disappointed
Despite your best efforts, your parent may not be willing to pursue therapy. While this may be disappointing, you have to remind yourself that they are allowed to make their own decisions, and being too pushy on the matter may strain your relationship. If you’ve brought up the subject a few times and have only been met with anger and resistance, then it may be time to drop it. While it’s certainly difficult to watch your loved one continue to struggle, trying to force them to get help when they don’t want it will ultimately make the situation worse. While you hopefully don’t find yourself in that situation, it’s important to still prepare for it. If you do end up in a situation where your parent is refusing to get help for their mental health then you are faced with important decisions around how you can protect your own. You may need to put up boundaries with your parent about how much help you can offer or what topics can be discussed. This is not to punish them, but to make sure you protect yourself from someone who’s mental state is precarious, as that can often lead to a deteriorated mental state for yourself.
These are never easy conversations to have, but hopefully these tips will help you broach the topic in the best way possible. Remember, compassion and a good listening ear can go a long way. You’re dealing with someone who has probably been dealing with a lot of tormenting thoughts, and having someone who is worried about them and is able to offer empathy and validation can be very freeing. Be patient, kind and honest, and hopefully soon your parent will be well on their way to a happier version of themselves.
