Imagine this: You’ve been independant your whole life. You built up a successful career, you bought a house, had a family. If something in your house was broken, you fixed it. You didn’t shy away from tackling difficult tasks. Then, one day you notice that your body feels a bit stiffer than it used to. It’s harder to get around, and you can’t bend enough to tie your shoelaces without sitting down. Suddenly you can’t remember the way to the grocery store you’ve been going to for over a decade, and even the names of old friends can take several minutes to retrieve from the back of your mind.
This is the reality for many people as they grow older, and, as you might imagine, it can be difficult to accept. The need to accept the help of a caregiver can be a challenging life transition for a lot of seniors, and this change can be accompanied by a lot of anger, grief, confusion and sadness.
Of course, this is not true for everyone. Depending on the circumstances, some seniors may welcome the support a caregiver provides with open arms, but regardless, it’s so important for all caregivers to be mindful of the fact that this is a major change, and that it could take quite some time for trust to be built up between you and the senior you care for.
While this might feel frustrating, especially if you are caring for someone you have already known for quite some time, it’s simply a fact of the job. However, the following tips might help make this transition a little bit easier for both of you.
Patience
Regardless of how the senior you care for feels about this new chapter in their life, a good relationship is always going to take some time to develop, so have patience. You wouldn’t expect your hair to grow 2 inches overnight, so why would you suddenly have someone’s trust in that same amount of time? If you have a few bad days and or/don’t feel like you’re gaining any ground, just try to be kind to yourself. Remain consistent and keep on going, and with time, the senior you care for should open up. Remember, trust is earned, so you have to prove that you are someone who is trustworthy, you can’t demand or expect someone to trust you without knowing your character. Follow through on your promises and stick to a routine, and eventually the senior you care for will realize that you are someone who is safe and reliable.
Spend Time Talking
One of the best ways to build trust with someone is by talking to them. Get to know the senior you care for, ask them questions about their life and their likes and dislikes. Even if it’s someone you already have a relationship with, you may be surprised by all the experiences they’ve had that you didn’t know about before. Sometimes, the American Psychological Association says, we might shy away from having deep conversations because we’re afraid they might be awkward and uncomfortable, so people can be tempted into have a conversation that only remains on the surface level. However, upon further research it’s been found that deeper conversations are actually far less awkward and led to much high levels of connection and happiness. A deep conversation doesn’t have to be about a controversial or difficult subject matter, which is often why people might be reluctant to go there. Instead, it’s really just about being honest about your feelings and really listening to the other person when they speak, and asking thoughtful, open-ended questions. There are even card games that have been created with the intention of facilitating deep conversations. You might consider purchasing a deck, or you could even create your own! Questions like, “tell me about a time you experienced pure joy,” or “what is something you do that makes you feel good, and why did you start doing it?” are great places to start.
One thing to note when it comes to having deep conversations is that it does require you to be vulnerable, which can be intimidating for a lot of people. You can’t justify expecting honesty from someone else if you’re not willing to be honest yourself. But remember how deep conversations make people happier? Remember that if you start to feel nervous. Being honest and vulnerable will only richen the relationship you have with the senior you care for.
Something for Just the Two of You
There’s something extremely special about sharing something with just one person. When you start working with a new senior, get to know them and find something that the two of you connect on. Maybe both of you enjoy baking, in which case you could commit to trying out a brand new recipe every week. Maybe you’re working with a nature buff, and so the two of you could go birding at local parks, or work to identify new plants on your walks. There are countless hobbies and activities you could explore until you land on the right one for the pair of you. This gives both of you something to look forward to when you see each other, and is also a great way to get to know the senior you care for better.
Make a Point to Remember
It can’t be understated how meaningful it is for people to remember the things you’ve said. This shows that you are an active listener and care about the information you’re hearing. Now of course not everyone can retain information that well, but there are things you can do to demonstrate this skill without having to hold on to all that info in your head!
Every time you hear something you want to remember, write it down! This might be the names of family members, anniversary dates, a favorite food or a type of music that the senior you care for really enjoys. By writing down key points, you can reference it later, or plan a special surprise based around the things that are important to them. For dates like anniversaries and birthdays, you can even put reminders in your phone so you don’t forget. It means a lot to someone when they mention a food they like and then a few days later someone shows up with it, so it’s a great way to build rapport. So, don’t let the excuse of not having a good memory stop you from being a thoughtful caregiver. Keep track of what is said during your conversations, so you can get to know the senior you care for better.
Find Out Their Love Language
It’s very likely that you’ve heard the term “love language” in recent years, but it’s not just about romantic relationships. A love language is the idea that everyone has certain ways that they prefer to give and receive affection, they are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, gifts. While it’s not a science, there are many people who really connect with this idea, and for many people it can be easy to see what acts they respond to best. This is very helpful when it comes to building a relationship with someone, as you can adapt the way you act with them on a day to day basis. For example, if the senior you care for seems to enjoy gifts then you might occasionally bring them some homemade cookies, or maybe a flower you picked from your garden. If someone likes words of affirmation then you could make sure you congratulate them when they complete a difficult task, or compliment them on a new outfit. These don’t have to be grand gestures, but instead subtle nods to the ways you discover the senior you care for likes to be interacted with.
An article in Forbes mentions how people can feel misheard when not interacted with in the way that feels best for them. For example, if you show love and support by giving gifts, but the person you care for likes quality time then they might feel unheard even if you are showering them with gifts. Love languages doesn’t mean you have to suddenly abandon the things that are natural for you, but it is still important to find out what is the most meaningful for the senior you care for. Simply spending some dedicated time with them doing something special like going out for tea might mean a whole lot more than if you were to bring them a gift.
Laugh
Hopefully joy and laughter comes along with many of these tips, but it’s still important to make a point to laugh and be silly with the senior you care for. The term, “laughter is the best medicine” isn’t exactly a lie! According to the Mayo Clinic, laughter has an incredible list of benefits. It can relieve tension and stress, make you happier, and even reduce physical pain! If you laugh a lot then laughter might even be a boost for your immune system! With all of these benefits, what better way to build a strong relationship than by laughing together?
Don’t worry though, laughing together isn’t dependent on you becoming an overnight comedian. First, find out what kind of things make the senior you care for laugh. You might watch videos together, do MadLibs, take an improv class or even enjoy an afternoon drawing silly photos of each other. Be creative and have fun and remember, don’t take it too seriously!
Have and Respect Boundaries
While the role of a caregiver can sometimes feel blurry, it’s always important to still have boundaries. You are not a therapist or doormat. You are there to help, but you still deserve to be treated well and have your boundaries respected, so be sure to establish them right out of the gate, and ask the same from the senior you care for. Some people don’t like putting up boundaries because they feel like they’re rude or unreasonable, but there’s nothing unreasonable about asking for what you need. In fact, according to Stanford, boundaries can often help a relationship grow stronger. Boundaries let the other person know the parameters they should stay within, which gives them much more freedom with which to explore, because they know that as long as they don’t cross the other person’s boundaries, things will be OK. And, when someone witnesses another person respecting the boundaries they’ve set up that can build an instant trust.
Setting and respecting boundaries may be new for the senior you care for, so again, it’s important to have kindness and patience for them, because there may be times where they try to push your boundaries. When this happens it’s important to kindly but firmly reiterate your boundaries, and model the kind of behavior you expect by always respecting theirs.
Practice Mindfulness
For the uninitiated, mindfulness is the practice of being in the moment, truly and honestly experiencing what’s happening right in front of you. Too often our head is somewhere else. We’re thinking about what we’re going to have for dinner, or worrying about whether or not we’re going to be able to juggle all the tasks we have to do this week. While it’s understandable to get overwhelmed with all the commitments we have in this busy day and age, it can also result in a lack of connection with the people around us. Nobody wants to feel like the person we’re spending time with has their mind elsewhere, and especially not a senior who might already be feeling lonely and abandoned.
Mindfulness is a practice, so don’t expect your attention to change overnight, but if you want to develop a strong relationship with the senior you care for then mindfulness is important. Don’t let yourself get caught up with the idea that you’re just doing a job. You’re dealing with a real life human with complex feelings and experiences. Try to be there with them and really listen to what they have to say. Don’t brush them aside. Stay in the moment. Not only will mindfulness help you build and improve on the relationship you have with the senior you care for, but it will positively impact your entire life.
To finish, let’s go back to the beginning: patience, patience, patience. Even if you only take one thing away from this article, let it be that. There are no shortcuts, you just have to be patient and consistent, and eventually all of your hard work will pay off. It’s very rewarding to have a meaningful relationship with a senior. They have so many stories and experiences to share with you, you just need to show them that you are worthy of their trust and that you will be there for them, even when they occasionally stumble. With a little bit of work, both of you can have an enriching relationship that can endure for years to come.
