So the time has come to arrange care for a loved one. This is often a highly emotional process, and it can be easy to quickly become overwhelmed by everything you need to research and plan for. However, with a little bit of organization you can make the process seamless and pain free…or, at least as simple as possible!
1. Address Care Early
Too often, care becomes an urgent matter because everyone has been too awkward to bring it up before things get serious. This can cause unnecessary stress and anxiety for all parties involved, and can also sometimes mean that the solutions are not ideal because they were found in a panic. With this in mind, it is highly advisable to address the matter of care with your parents as early as possible, ideally before it’s something that might even cross their minds. This might seem uncomfortable at first, but if you frame it as simply wanting to have a plan in place that has their full support then it will likely be received much more positively than you were to spring a plan on them when their health begins to deteriorate.
Instead, sit them down before anything gets serious, and when you first start to notice signs of aging, such as your mom or dad moving slower than before, or struggling with their memory. Ask what plans they might already have in place, and what their wishes are for their care. Also be sure to ask what the plan is if they aren’t able to stick to their ideal plan. Many seniors want to stay independent, which is completely understandable, but unfortunately that often means they don’t plan for any other possibility. And unfortunately, most seniors don’t have the luxury of being able to continue living on their own as they age, as illness and other impairments often get in the way.
Gently nudge your parents on what kind of plan they’d like to follow if they are experiencing a serious cognitive condition such as dementia or Alzheimer’s, or if they suffer a drastic injury. Of course nobody wants to think about such upsetting topics, but again, this is about making sure that your parents still have agency, even if they end up losing cognitive function, you’ll know you are honoring their wishes.
2. Pressing Issues
Every situation is different, and in many cases a senior may need support for several different issues. Care can come in several forms, and might range from having someone deliver groceries or coming to clean a few times a week, to placing your mom or dad in round the clock, secure memory care. It’s a good idea to sit down to figure out what needs attention the most urgently and address that first. Of course, your loved one should always be involved in this conversation unless there is a valid reason why they’re not able to, such as extreme cognitive decline. However, hopefully you address matters early enough that they are able to be a part of this important process.
When thinking about the care that your loved one needs, consider how many providers are needed. If they require help with a few simple household tasks then that might be able to be attended to by a caregiver or even a regular cleaner. Perhaps they just need a few deliveries set up if they are not as mobile as they were before, or, in some situations you might be looking at moving them into full time care.
It may not be possible for you to address all the needs your loved one has at the same time, so prioritize. The most important thing is their safety, so look at what they need help with and make sure that anything that is needed to provide physical or emotional safety to them is the first thing you attend to. After that you can turn to elements that look after comfort or increase their comfort or accessibility. If your loved one is not safe then looking after their other needs won’t help them much. Again, making this list with your loved one is always best, but if not then doing so with another member of their support network or a trusted medical professional is another good option.
3. Keep Track
When seniors get to the point of needing care there are often lots of appointments with doctors and specialists, plus interviews with caregivers or care homes. Even after care is arranged there is often a lot happening each week, such as physical therapy and other medical treatment. With such a busy schedule it’s important that you keep everything documented in a day planner or a calendar on your phone so that you and your loved one don’t miss any important appointments or events.
Not everyone loves keeping a calendar, but, according to the Jed Foundation, keeping track of your schedule can help keep stress levels and anxiety at bay and better organize for events you look forward to, like spending time with friends or putting aside an evening for a nice dinner at home.
Keeping track doesn’t just mean keeping a schedule, it’s also useful to write down health information for your loved one in something that is often referred to as a health journal. This is so you can easily track any changes in your loved one’s condition. You don’t have to rack your brain for when they started seeing a specialist or taking a particular medication, instead you can simply take a quick glance at the journal. This is a great way to be able to see how your parents improve or deteriorate over time. Our memories aren’t always the most reliable, so it might be easy to trick yourself into thinking behavior your mom or dad is exhibiting is normal, when really it’s a new development that could signal a health issue. Keeping a journal is also very useful in emergency situations where you might need to be able to provide health information quickly.
4. Let Your Parents Loved Ones Lead
Many seniors might already have a plan in place for aging, and it’s important to respect their wishes. While there will be some circumstances where their physical or mental health won’t allow them to continue living independently or without some form of care, in other cases you may simply disagree on what level of care is appropriate. In those cases the best thing you can do is let it go. Your parents are adults and they are allowed to make their own choices. You might not like the choices they make and may be scared for their safety, but ultimately there isn’t really anything you can do if they’re not willing to accept your help. The best thing you can do in these situations is to do your best to let it go. Look to Psychology Today for some tips.
5. Know Your Boundaries
Dealing with aging and/or ill loved ones can bring up a lot of emotions and old resentments. It can be easy to fall into arguments and allow yourself to be taken advantage of by offering up more than you are capable of taking on. Caregiving is demanding, and unless you are mentally prepared for it it can lead to poor mental health and eventually to burnout. That’s why it’s so important to set boundaries early on when it comes to arranging care for your loved ones. Figure out what you are and are not willing to help with, and what adjustments you feel comfortable making in your own life to support your loved one during this difficult transition. Of course there may be times when finances or another confining element makes you give more of your time or money than you would like, but even in those circumstances make sure to take a step back to see what changes can be made. Sometimes adult children operate out of a feeling of obligation to their parents, which can quickly turn to resentment. Is your loved one truly not able to cover the cost of their own care, or do they simply not want to? Aging can be expensive, but that shouldn’t all fall to you. Know your limits before you end up in a tricky situation that’s hard for you to make your way out of.
6. Keep Everyone Informed
As has already been stated, organization is extremely helpful for keeping stress levels down, so think about how you can do it in all areas. There are likely lots of people who also care about your loved ones, so keep them in the loop so that they understand what is happening and can step in with ease if for some reason you are unavailable in the case of an emergency. This might look like keeping a list of important phone numbers, medications and any allergies or conditions that others in your loved one’s support network should be aware of. This is also helpful for you to bring to appointments so that you can be sure you don’t miss anything if asked. Sometimes we forget important details in high stress situations, so having it all written down can be very helpful and in some cases even prevent fatal outcomes!
Of course, you should always have consent from your loved one before sharing sensitive medical information if they are able to provide it.
Along with medical information it’s always nice to jot down preferences that your loved one has that can increase their comfort. Knowing your loved one likes having slippers on inside is not a life or death detail, but if it can help to make their life a little bit better than it’s absolutely worth it to pass that information on to other care providers.
7. Financial Plan
While your loved one might have an idea of how they want their golden years to play out, the reality is that the vision they have may not be feasible for them financially. Home Care Care News outlines how unaffordable home care is becoming, and many care homes also come at an exorbitant cost. It’s important to look ahead at what different scenarios actually cost, and then plan accordingly. It’s obviously going to be upsetting if your loved one is able to organize the exact lifestyle they desire, but if the situation is tackled early, then at least the best alternative can be arranged.
8. Find Care Providers
Finding care providers was touched on earlier, but it’s worth a second mention. There can often be lengthy waitlists for specialists and interviewing caregivers can sometimes take a good amount of time. See what information you can get over email, or find out what communications you can have over the phone or via video call, such as online therapy via Total Life. It can save a lot of time to not have to run around town to have meetings in person.
9. Declutter
Seniors have a rich history with lots of interesting stories, but with that history often comes a lot of stuff. Organizing care for a loved one is the perfect time to start sorting through their belongings to figure out which sentimental items should stay, and what can be donated or discarded. This will make any transition to a smaller home easier, and will also help ease the work for caregivers who may not be comfortable working in an extremely cluttered home. There’s also another very good reason to consider decluttering as part of your care plan. Neuroscience News tells us that clutter can lead to stress and anxiety, which is not what anyone needs when dealing with an already stressful situation!
10. Where There’s a Will…There’s a Will…
No one wants to imagine their loved ones dying, but it’s a reality that has to be faced, especially as they grow older. That’s why it’s so important that you encourage your loved one to complete their will and get any other important affairs in order. Inheritance can be a heated matter within families, and that is especially true if a proper will wasn’t drawn up before death. Completing a will will allow your loved one to focus on their health with the knowledge that the friends and family they leave behind won’t be sorting through legal matters after their death. Plus, it’s so important to attend to legal matters early, as cognitive decline can affect the legality of wills if left to the last minute. Investopedia does a nice breakdown on what a will covers.
There are so many matters to think about when organizing care for a loved one, but these tips should help give you direction in a time that can be stressful and highly emotional. While the care you’re organizing might be for your loved one, a bonus tip is to not forget about yourself. You are likely going to have moments of anger and sadness throughout this process so be sure to give yourself time to rest, cry, go for a run or anything else that can help you regulate your emotions and get back to work in a stable state. You’ve got this!
