Supporting aging parents or loved ones with chronic illnesses like Alzheimer’s or MS is a labor of love. Over 44 million Americans take on this unpaid role, dedicating an average of 37 billion hours of unpaid work. While caregiving can be deeply rewarding, it often comes at a cost. Without balance, exhaustion creeps in, affecting your well-being and the support you provide. Prioritizing your needs isn’t selfish. It’s survival. Clear limits help sustain energy, prevent burnout, and ensure you can give your best. Think of them as tools, not barriers. Ready to protect your health while caring for others? Let’s explore how setting boundaries as a caregiver and making small changes make a big difference.

Why Caregivers Need Boundaries to Thrive

Juggling caregiving with daily life can feel like running a marathon without a finish line. Many spend over 250 hours monthly on direct care—nearly two full-time jobs. Without clear limits, exhaustion takes over, hurting you and those you support.

The hidden toll of unpaid caregiving

Caregivers often describe the experience as feeling “trapped in a system with no walls.” The ongoing demands of caregiving can lead to chronic stress, emotional exhaustion, and disrupted sleep. This reality is all too common.

Studies show that poor boundary-setting increases the risk of depression by up to 70%. Some of the most common challenges caregivers face include:

• Sleep deprivation from round-the-clock care
• Strained friendships due to social isolation
• Resentment building toward loved ones

How boundaries protect your health and relationships

Healthy limits act like guardrails. They keep everyone safe. For example, saying, “I need Sundays for self-care,” preserves energy. It also reduces medical errors caused by fatigue.

Stronger limits lead to:

• Lower stress levels and better emotional balance
• Improved connections with care recipients
• More sustainable long-term support

Small changes create big shifts.

Overcoming Emotional Barriers to Setting Boundaries

Caregiving often brings up tough emotions. Guilt, resentment, and grief can make it hard to prioritize your needs. Recognizing these feelings is the first step toward healthier caregiving.

Letting Go of Guilt and “Should”

Many struggle with guilt when they can’t do everything. The Family Caregiver Alliance suggests reframing thoughts like “I should be there 24/7” to “I regret I can’t do it all.”

Try this 3-step method:

• Spot the “should” statements
• Accept your realistic limits
• Rephrase with kindness (“I’m doing my best”)

Managing Resentment and Grief

Anger or sadness may surface when roles change. Journaling helps process these emotions. Write about:

• What do you miss about the past
• Current frustrations
• Small wins to celebrate

Timed worry sessions also work. Set 15 minutes to vent concerns, then shift focus.

Reframing Your Mindset

Words shape your experience. Swap “I must fix everything” for “I’ll help where I can.” This small shift reduces pressure.

Remember, no one is the perfect caregiver. Thomson’s research shows realistic expectations lead to better outcomes for everyone.

Practical Tips for Setting Boundaries as a Caregiver

Protecting your energy starts with small, intentional steps. Focus on what keeps you balanced, rest, social connections, and personal time. These aren’t luxuries. They’re fuel for sustainable care.

Define and communicate your limits.

Start by listing non-negotiable needs. Sleep, exercise, and meals are just as vital as medical appointments. Use simple phrases like, “I need personal time on Tuesday evenings” to set expectations.

For pushback, try the “broken record” technique. Calmly repeat your limit without justification. Example: “I understand, but Sundays are for my recharge.”

Create a visible schedule (with protected breaks)

Color-code your calendar. Red blocks = Protected Time (e.g., gym, coffee with friends).      Green blocks = Care Tasks.   Share this with your family to avoid misunderstandings.

Sample daily plan:

• 7–8 AM: Morning routine (no interruptions)
• 12–1 PM: Lunch break away from care tasks
• 6 PM: End caregiving shift for downtime

Use assertive “I” statements to uphold boundaries.

Phrase requests around your needs: “I can help with laundry if we move the doctor’s visit to Thursday.” This keeps communication respectful.

Boundary anchors, like weekly pottery classes, add structure. They’re tangible reminders that your time matters, too.

For complex situations, draft a “caregiving hours” contract. Outline availability during family meetings to align expectations.

Helping Your Loved One Maintain Independence

Encouraging independence in those you care for benefits both of you. It preserves their dignity while easing your load. Start by evaluating where they truly need help and where they can thrive.

Pause Before Jumping In

Try the “10-minute rule.” If a task isn’t urgent, wait before assisting. This gives them space to try first. For example, Suzanne let her husband manage his TV time instead of stepping in immediately.

Ask: “Can they do this with extra time or tools?” Small delays often reveal hidden capabilities.

Tools That Promote Self-Reliance

Assistive devices bridge gaps without constant help. Consider these options:

• Pill organizers with alarms for medication
• Shower seats or toilet risers for safety
• Voice-to-text apps for hands-free communication

Gradual changes work best. Add one self-managed task weekly, like microwaving prepped meals.

Emergency Prep for Peace of Mind

A solid backup plan lets you step away guilt-free. Create an emergency binder with the following:

• Medication schedules and Doctor contacts
• Meal delivery service logins
• Trusted backup caregivers’ numbers

Freezer meal prep sessions are another smart move. Stocking up means fewer last-minute crises.

Building Your Caregiving Support System

No one should navigate caregiving alone. Building a strong support system makes the journey lighter. Leaning on others preserves your energy and improves care quality. Start by identifying gaps where help is needed most.

Tapping Into Caregiver Networks and Forums

Online communities like AARP’s Facebook group provide instant connection. Members share tips, from meal prep hacks to stress relief. Local meetups add face-to-face support.

Try these resources:

• Caregiver Action Network’s forum for real-time advice
• Reddit’s r/caregiving for anonymous venting
• Nextdoor App to find neighbors in similar roles

Accepting Help and Delegating Tasks

Many hesitate to ask for assistance, fearing burden.

Use the DELEGATE method:

1. Document tasks others can handle (e.g., grocery runs).
2. Enlist specific people based on their strengths.
3. Train them with clear instructions.
4. Express gratitude to reinforce support.

Example script: “Could you take Dad to PT every Tuesday? I’ll email the clinic details.”

Scenario Planning With Family and Care Teams

Life as a caregiver can change in an instant. That’s why having a plan for the “what ifs” can make all the difference. Taking time to think through possible scenarios, like a sudden illness, a change in mobility, or your need for rest, helps everyone stay on the same page and feel more prepared.

Try setting up regular family check-ins, maybe once every few months, to review how things are going and adjust the care plan if needed. Shared tools like medication apps or Google Calendar can help keep tasks organized and reduce miscommunication. It’s also a good idea to look into local respite care options ahead of time, so when you need a break, you already know where to turn, no guilt, just support. Planning together now can bring peace of mind later.

Boundaries Are a Gift—to You and Your Loved One

Healthy limits transform care from draining to sustainable for both of you. It’s not about changing who you are. It’s about building skills to protect your energy and theirs. Studies show caregivers who prioritize their health reduce ER visits by 30%. Simple acts, like taking breaks, improve medication tracking and patience. Your needs matter. When you honor them, care becomes stronger, not weaker. Start today with a free checklist from caregiver.org. Small steps now create better care for years to come.

Being a caregiver can come with many benefits. You might develop a much closer relationship with your loved one than you ever had before, and you will likely discover depths to your compassion and abilities that you never knew you were capable of. 

But caregiving is also a very emotionally and physically demanding job. Not only are you giving a lot of your time and attention to your loved one, but you are also doing that on top of all of the other commitments you have in your life. Because of this it can be easy to become exhausted and overworked, which, if left unattended, can quickly lead to burnout. 

Burnout is particularly common for caregivers and other healthcare workers, so it’s extra important that you be familiar with the signs and how to prevent and overcome them. While this piece will cover many of the common signs, there may be others that are not listed here, so, even if a symptom isn’t mentioned below, be sure to listen to your body and make changes if something feels off. You know yourself best, so don’t second guess yourself. 

1. Lack of Interest/Detachment

It’s very common for people who are dealing with the beginning stages of burnout to experience feelings of disinterest and detachment towards the things they once enjoyed or took pride in doing. Here are a few of the ways this symptom might manifest:

• Realizing that you’re not really listening or engaging when you talk to others. You might even find that you find that you feel like you don’t care about what others are saying, even if you love them and know that in normal circumstances you would be experiencing joy or empathy. 
• Declining invitations that you would normally accept. You stop going out to socialize and spend a lot more time on your own. 
• You just feel like you don’t care about anything. You might describe yourself as feeling numb. 

2. Loss of Motivation

Loss of motivation is a frequent companion to loss of interest or detachment, but it’s a little different. Motivation, as outlined by VeryWellMind, is the drive inside all of us to achieve our goals. This might be working towards a milestone in your career, running a 5 mile race, or completing a crossword puzzle simply for the satisfaction of doing it. The tasks required might not always be enjoyable, but the motivation you have to reach your goal will keep you going. 

When dealing with burnout you might find yourself with a complete lack of motivation. Not only might you not go after your goals, you might find it hard to even motivate yourself to make breakfast or brush your teeth. And it can be very difficult to find that feeling of motivation once you lose it. Even if you know that abandoning your goals could have detrimental impacts on your life, it’s like you’re sliding down a hill and are unable to stop. It can be very scary and upsetting, and often goes hand in hand with depression.

3. Feeling Helpless or Like a Failure

Burnout can also produce a feeling of complete helplessness or that you are some kind of failure, even if you haven’t done anything that you should feel bad about. 

You might feel a sense of complete overwhelm and panic, and like there is no way you will be able to dig yourself out of this feeling. You might find yourself crying unexpectedly, thinking extremely negative thoughts about yourself, or experiencing panic attacks. 

When dealing with these symptoms you might convince yourself that nothing you do is good enough. You might not feel like a good caregiver, partner, parent or friend. 

4. Moodswings

Another symptom of burnout is that you might find it very difficult to keep your emotions under control. You might constantly find yourself extremely irritated and quick to anger, or you might find yourself bursting into tears, or even feeling an almost manic positivity. 

While it’s completely normal for everybody to go through a wide range of emotions each day, these will feel out of the ordinary for you. You might find yourself being curt and snappy with someone you normally have a lot of patience with. You might complain loudly and become irrationally angry at minor inconveniences, such as a short wait for a coffee, or forgetting something in your car. It will also likely feel very difficult for you to properly manage your feelings. Typical coping mechanisms might not work, and you might even have friends and family making comments that you are acting out of character. If it feels like your emotions are spinning out of control then it’s important to seek help before it gets worse. 

5. Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Whether you consider yourself to be an emotional person or not, it’s important for everyone to have healthy coping mechanisms. Coping, according to the Cleveland Clinic, is a way for us to navigate through the stressors we experience in life, whether from a traumatic event, major life change, or dealing with poor mental health, among many other issues. Finding ways to cope is normal and necessary, but there are many different ways to cope with difficult moments and emotions in our lives. 

If you are engaging in healthy coping mechanisms that might look like focusing on maintaining a healthy diet or putting up good boundaries. It could also look like practicing meditation or yoga or taking a nice warm bath at the end of the day.

However, even if we know that certain habits are healthier than others, it can be easy for us to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms. These ways of coping might make you feel better immediately, but in the long run can cause serious physical and mental health problems. Examples of unhealthy coping mechanisms include emotional eating, substance use, risky sexual behavior and poor financial habits like excess shopping or gambling. 

We all might make a choice that doesn’t feel good from time to time, but if you are in a good place then it’s likely you won’t continue participating in those activities. If you feel powerless to stop or are worried that you are dealing with addiction then the issue needs immediate attention. 

6. Poor Performance

It may happen that people who are beginning to experience burnout start having issues at work or properly fulfilling their duties as a caregiver. You might find yourself making more mistakes than usual, or forgetting things that you have done hundreds of times before. You could also just be careless, which might accompany the earlier sign, detachment. You might be doing a poor job and feel like you don’t care about making mistakes or getting into trouble. But of course, not only is this not a pleasant way to live your life, but making constant mistakes could have major consequences on your career and could also negatively affect the loved one you care for. What if you mix up some medication or accidentally make them some food that they can’t eat? Everyone makes mistakes, but if you are consistently performing poorly then that is cause for concern. 

7. Digestive Issues

Burnout can also cause a number of physical symptoms, one of which is digestive issues. You might constantly find that your stomach is in knots, or perhaps frequently bloated. You might have constipation or frequent loose stools. Meals that used to go down no problem now create gas and heartburn. 

Sometimes we might discover a sensitivity to a food we didn’t know we had previously, or be nervous about an entirely different matter. But, if there’s no other reasonable explanation for your digestive issues then there’s a good chance it could be happening due to burnout. 

8. Sleep Problems

The Sleep Health Foundation tells us that sleep and burnout have a bi-directional relationship. This means that burnout can negatively impact your sleep, but that in reverse, if you have been neglecting sleep or have had it impacted in another way, then that lack of sleep or good quality sleep could in turn lead to burnout.

Of course this can be tricky, as there are many things that can cause us to lose sleep, from tending to a new baby, to staying up to watch the latest episode of your favorite show. But if you are consistently having trouble getting enough sleep or feel like you’re always exhausted even if you think you’ve slept enough, then there’s a good chance you’re dealing with burnout.  

9. Constant Colds

Winter does mean that cold and flu season is in full swing, but if your immune system is functioning as it should, and you don’t have young children, then it is unusual to experience repetitive colds. This could look like getting a full blown cold every other week, or simply feeling that you’re never really well. Sniffles, a sore throat and exhaustion might go on and off with no proper explanation, and you might find yourself growing increasingly frustrated at the fact that you never seem to feel good. When experiencing a health situation like this it’s always good to go visit a doctor, but you might find that burnout is the culprit. 

10. Other Physical Symptoms

Finally, just as mentioned at the beginning of this article, this list won’t cover every possible sign of burnout. Yours might manifest in a slightly different way or you might experience a symptom that not many other people have. But it is important to note that along with emotional symptoms, burnout can have you experiencing several other physical symptoms aside from the ones listed above. Some of them might include:

• Headaches
• Dizziness
• Fainting
• Loss of appetite

Now that you have a better understanding of some of the warning signs of burnout, how can you overcome it, or, even better yet, prevent it? Prevention is always preferable, but if you’re already experiencing symptoms, then it’s important to act as quickly as possible. Here’s what to do:

Manage Your Schedule 

If you are at burnout then it means your workload is not manageable and you need to cut back. First, take a look at your daily schedule. Could someone else take care of some of the tasks on your plate? Sometimes the people around you might not be aware you need help unless you tell them. So, be honest and tell them you need some support – most of the time people are more than happy to offer help. Prioritize what’s truly important and let go of little details. And be sure to not say yes to any more work right now. 

Set Boundaries

It can be difficult to say no to the people you love, but you can’t be the best worker, partner, friend or parent, if you’re not taking care of yourself first. Learn how to say no and stand up for what you need. 

Focus on Healthy Habits

Diet, sleep and exercise play such a major role in our physical and mental health, and make the difference between experiencing burnout or not. Even if you don’t feel like your workload is particularly demanding if you’re not moving your body, nourishing it with healthy food and making sure to get enough shut eye, then there’s a good chance you’re not going to feel your best. Changing your habits might seem overwhelming, but starting slow is the best way to go! Drink an extra glass of water and add one extra vegetable to your day. Take the stairs or park a block away from work. Instead of watching TV before bed, pop on an eye mask and listen to a funny podcast. Yes, your ultimate health goals might go further than that, but if you try to change your entire lifestyle overnight it’s unlikely to stick. Instead, focus on small, achievable goals that you can easily incorporate into your day and build up from there. 

Take A Break

Sometimes we might feel like we can’t step away from our caregiving duties, but if you’re on the edge of burnout then you might not have a choice. 

Depending on your situation this might look like sharing the responsibilities of caregiving with another family member or care worker, so that you can have an extra day off, or fewer hours. Maybe it’s taking a week long vacation, or simply having someone come in so you can go out for lunch or head to the gym. The answer of what kind of break is needed is going to be different for everyone, but a break is going to be needed all the same. 

Talk to a Professional

If you’re experiencing burnout then it might be a good idea to pay a visit to a mental health professional. They can help you come up with further strategies to help you overcome your burnout and stay healthy long term. 

Hopefully with this knowledge you can prevent burnout, or quickly overcome it. But as a parting note just one reminder: do not ignore it. If left untreated, burnout can cause serious health complications and you might need a lot longer than just a few days off!

Whether you’re a career caregiver, or someone who has stepped up to care for a loved one, the role of a caregiver can be wildly rewarding and wonderful. You get to know the person you’re caring for on an entirely different level, and you tend to learn a lot about yourself along the way. Caregiving can teach patience and organizational skills, and can also help those doing it develop a healthy sense of humor. 

However, despite the many positives, caregiving can also come with a host of challenges for both parties. Tensions and resentment often rise to the top, and, if left unattended to, those feelings can quickly bubble over and become a major problem. 

Even if you feel like the relationship you have with the older adult you care for is in a good place, there are always ways to improve upon a good thing. Relationships need attention and care in order to thrive, so it’s always a good idea to pay attention to weak areas so that you can make your bond as strong as possible. So, whether your relationship is struggling or you just feel like it could use a little boost, let’s look at five ways that you can give level up and keep the relationship healthy. 

Respect

Respect is crucial in order to have a healthy relationship with someone else. But what is it exactly? The definition of respect means to hold someone in high regard and admire them, but how do you show respect and earn it in return? The answer isn’t exactly a simple one. 

Many people are going to have a different idea of how someone can be respectful to them, and for many people, it’s a feeling that they get from someone else, rather than their actions. Of course, this doesn’t mean that your actions aren’t important, but that the way you compose yourself and your general attitude is just, if not more, important than the actions you take. 

If you’re feeling lost on where to start, you might consider writing down your own list of what you consider to be respectful behavior towards yourself. Then, you can reflect on whether or not you’re exhibiting that same behavior towards the older adult you care for. 

If you feel comfortable you could also ask the older adult you care for to tell you when they feel most respected, either by you or other people around them. 

Of course, some people confuse respect for having other people doing whatever they want for them and never pushing back on unreasonable requests. While doing that is not respectful, the way you respond to those kinds of requests can determine your level of respect for that person. For example, if you find yourself in that scenario then a respectful way to respond would be to immediately let them know in a calm, kind way that you hear them and are not able to do what they wish, but offer some other solutions instead. A non-respectful way to respond would be to roll your eyes and yell, or simply not answer at all. 

So much respect is about putting judgement aside and really trying to understand someone else’s point of view. This doesn’t mean you always need to agree, but it’s making space for someone else’s feelings and not making them feel like they’re stupid or wasting your time. 

Queensland Government lays out some other great suggestions on how you can best be respectful to someone else, but some highlights include:

• Speak directly to someone. Never speak or gossip behind their back. If there is an issue you need to address, make sure you speak to them directly.
• Respond to someone as soon as possible. Sometimes people avoid responding to a request because they feel bad saying no, but it will be more hurtful and disrespectful to ignore or put off responding than it is to just politely and quickly say no. That way they can focus on finding someone else to help them instead of trying to get you to respond. 
• Be sensitive with your humor. While everyone likes a joke now and then, make sure your humor doesn’t put down the older adult you care for or is insensitive towards others.

Respect can take some time to build up, so be patient, but focusing on respect can dramatically improve a relationship, so it’s well worth the time.

Curiosity and Listening

Curiosity and listening are both key elements of respect, but they feel important enough to warrant their own spot on this list. 

Humans all share the same basic need: to be heard. Although many unfairly criticize teenagers for complaining that they are not being properly understood, it’s not just those who are going through the confusing stages of puberty that can feel like they aren’t being seen by those around them. 

Many older adults feel isolated and dismissed by their family and other members of society. And it can be easy for people to patronize members of older generations because they might not be as up to date on current technology, or might take a bit longer than others to catch up in a conversation. However, this does not mean that those in older generations are not worthy of being listened to, or that they don’t have important wisdom to share. 

The reality is that the older adult you care for has a rich inner life and is likely more than willing to talk with you about it, you just have to take the step and ask.  

Showing interest in the life of the older adult you care for can go a long way towards building trust in your relationship. However, it’s something important to remember is that listening is a huge part of how you can demonstrate your interest and care. Make eye contact, ask questions and remain engaged while they speak so that they can see that this is as meaningful for you as it is for them. 

And it’s good to remember that while most people want to be heard, not everyone wants solutions or advice. Sometimes someone might want to share something frustrating or difficult that they’re experiencing without any kind of resolution. While of course there might be times when you need to set a boundary and stop talking about something difficult (we’re covering boundaries next!), if what the person is telling you about is not harmful to you or them and it’s not something that they’re ruminating on, then the best course of action might be to simply let them process their thoughts without you providing any kind of feedback. 

When in doubt, follow advice from Medium that suggests that you ask your loved one whether or not they want any advice. If the answer is no then be prepared to sit back and listen attentively until they have said everything they want to say.  

Boundaries

It can be difficult to put up boundaries, especially if you’re doing it for the first time with someone you are very close to. Family and other loved ones might be very resistant to the idea of you not being available to them in the same way you were before, but while it might seem counterintuitive, putting boundaries in place in your relationships can strengthen your bond and help you better attend to your tasks and responsibilities. 

Stanford outlines how boundaries are important for building trust, respect and safety within a relationship, regardless of what kind of relationship it is. Yes, it’s very normal to struggle with establishing your boundaries, but reminding yourself of the positive outcomes can help you stick to them. Here are a few things to consider:

Reflect: It can be easy to speak out of turn in a moment of frustration, but it’s important to think about your boundaries and what you need when you’re feeling calm and relaxed and have time to sit down on your own. Reflect on what you need and where you’ve been struggling, and identify what you need in order to feel better. 

Specificity: Setting clear boundaries makes following them a lot easier. Boundaries might be set in several areas, for example:

Time: You might limit the time you are able to spend with your loved one to certain hours of the day or the week. 

Emotional: You might not be willing to discuss certain things, such as your romantic life or a particular trauma that you aren’t comfortable reliving. An emotional boundary might also be about the other person. If the individual you care for is dealing with some serious mental health matters then you might limit how much you are able to support them, as getting too deep could affect your own mental health or cause further issues for your loved one’s state. Instead, you might suggest they seek out professional help from a therapist.

Financial: You might set financial boundaries around how much you are willing to contribute to a loved one’s care, or whether or not you will take on the role of power of attorney. 

When setting boundaries it’s important to prioritize your own needs, and, even more importantly, that once you set a boundary you stick to it. It might feel uncomfortable, but if you bend your boundary once, then it’s very likely that people around you will try to bend it again and again. The more consistent you are the more likely that your boundaries will be respected. And, if not, then at least you can decide how you want to handle someone who constantly disrespected your needs. 

Accepting Help

While caregivers can sometimes feel like they’re all on their own, that is usually not the case. There are likely many people in your orbit who are eager to offer a helping hand to make your life easier, so why not take them up on it?

Accepting help doesn’t make them weak, it makes them human, and there’s a good chance it will also make them better and more efficient at their jobs. If you accept help, whether that’s someone picking up groceries for you, or spending an hour or two with the older adult you care for so that you can have some time to yourself, it’s going to help you better prioritize your needs and show up as a more present and engaged caregiver. 

Many older adults can be stubborn about accepting help from their loved ones, which might have already caused tension in your relationship, so if you show that you are willing to accept help from the people you love then it might have the ripple effect of making it easier for the person you care for to accept help from you. The truth is that nobody should have to go through difficult events alone, so be open to receiving support from the people who love you. 

Minding the Mind

Our final tip on how to strengthen relationships and your responsibilities is to make sure you’re taking care of your mind and the mind of the person you are caring for.

While we all know that we should care for our bodies by eating well and exercising, our minds don’t always get the same kind of attention. However, mental health not only plays a huge role in our happiness and general contentment, but also in the health of our relationships. If you or the older adult you care for are struggling with a condition like depression or anxiety, then it’s not unreasonable to assume that your relationship might be strained because of it. 

While loved ones can often be a source of support for our mental health, they might also know how to push all the wrong buttons, and when you are in a position of caring for someone else and all the responsibilities that entails, it can be easy for a minor case of anxiety to quickly spiral out of control. 

That’s why it’s so important to focus on how to care for your mind through healthy habits like exercise, meditation, getting enough sleep, spending time outside in nature, and talking to a therapist. You might also talk to your doctor to find out if they have any further suggestions on how you can best care for your mental health. 

If it’s your loved one who is struggling then you might encourage them to pursue the same healthy habits listed above. You might even both engage in some of these activities. Even if it’s only one of you who is struggling with mental health, it’s never a bad idea to practice good mental health hygiene! 

Strengthening any relationship takes time, so try not to lose patience. There are going to be some days that feel amazing, and others where it will feel like you have taken ten steps back. But, if you stick with the above tips and focus on respect, listening, and maintaining your own health and boundaries, slowly but surely you’ll be building a stronger relationship and making yourself a more responsible and attentive caregiver in the process. 

Caregiving for a loved one introduces many changes into you and your family’s life. The addition of a dependent, whether it’s the first one or you have many others, puts a strain on all areas of your life. Your social life stalls, your career can feel impossible, time for yourself is minimized, if existent, and, perhaps more all consuming than anything else, caring for someone else can put a lot of stress on your finances. 

Most of the time family members step in as a caregiver because the option to arrange live-in care is not available. Live-in caregivers are expensive, as outlined by A Place for Mom, and so quite often the natural step is to appoint yourself as the person responsible for your loved one’s every need. 

If you are already overwhelmed by the added financial pressure of caring for someone else then you are in the right place. Even better if you are not yet in this position but see it becoming a not too distant reality. The sooner you make changes to your financial lifestyle, the better off you’ll be in the long term. However, the second best time is now, so if you feel a little behind, try not to get discouraged. It’s never too late to turn things around. 

First off, let’s talk about exactly what a budget is and why it’s important. A budget is taking a look at your expected revenue for each month or the year. If you have a consistent job then you can write down the amount your paychecks are each month. If you freelance or have a variable income, then do the best, and lowest, predictions you can. If you make $1200-$3000 each month then plan for the lowest amount. It’s easy to figure out what to do with extra money, but it’s a lot harder to navigate around money that doesn’t exist. 

Once you’ve determined your income, from there you should input and plan your expenses. There are a few different kinds of expenses to think about here:

• Fixed. This type of expense is the same each time, and is usually going to happen on a recurring basis. Fixed expenses might include your rent, internet bill, lease payments. 
• Variable. Variable expenses can change with use, need or time. For example, you might know that you will need to buy gas for your car, but the exact amount might vary each month. 

A good way to get started on a budget, especially if you’ve never tried making one before, is to write down as much as you can about your finances. Start with your known income and any fixed, recurring expenses. Then add in anything that might be variable, but are still expenses you know you are going to have each month. These types of expenses might include groceries, toiletries, and entertainment, such as takeout or a movie night. Use receipts, your bank statement, credit card and other bills to help you paint a picture of what your general expenses look like. Once you have collected as much of your spending habits as possible it’s time to get down to business. Try not to let judgement get in the way of this process. You might feel ashamed about some of the items you spend money on, but look at you taking this important step to better your habits and develop a healthier relationship with money! This step is just to help you better analyze your habits so that you can figure out how to save money for what is truly important. 

Prioritize

Once you have laid out your expenses, it’s time to start prioritizing what you can and can not live without. Of course basic needs such as rent or a mortgage, utilities and your phone bill are essentials, as are groceries. 

Now that you have also taken on the role of caregiver, some bills will likely increase, such as grocery and utility bills. There might also be healthcare costs associated with your loved one’s care that also have to be added into your budget plan. Of course, the hope is that your loved one is able to contribute in some way to their care, but in some situations that support might be minimal or non-existent. 

It may take a little bit of time to discover all the extra expenses that come with the loved one you’re caring for, so keep track of everything you can. Some common expenses that come up when caring for older adults include:

• Health expenses. Your loved one might require meditation, mobility devices, renovations to the home, etc…
• Transportation costs. You’ll want to calculate the cost of gas, bus tickets or taxis that are needed to get your loved one to appointments. This will obviously be variable, but some appointments might happen at regular intervals so the associated costs can be reasonably predicted.
• Additional care. While you might be the primary caregiver, you might be in a situation where additional care, like a physical therapist, comes in to do exercises with your loved one. Or you might have someone come to assist with medication or bathing. These expenses should also be calculated into your budget.

Now that you have made a list of all the expenses you need, it’s time to tend to the more enjoyable items, and write down all of your wants. These are expenses that you technically could live without, but that you feel like you want to keep due to their positive impacts on your quality of life. This might look like a subscription to a streaming service, or grabbing a coffee every morning. 

It’s helpful to see everything laid out before, because not only does it make you look at what you spend your money on, but it can also help you realize what’s truly important to you in life. For some people going out to dinner once a week is something very important, but you might prefer to skip dinner and instead enjoy a coffee and a donut a couple of times a week. Once you actually take the time to sit down and look at what you need and want and compare it against the money that is actually available to you, you might discover that some things don’t matter quite as much as you thought they did. 

Trim Where You Can

Before you despair at the thought of never being able to afford to go out with your friends ever again, take a look at your expenses and see if there is anywhere that you can trim your expenses while still getting to enjoy the same type of life you were previously. 

Call your cell phone provider and see if there’s any way to adjust your plan. Maybe you never use up your data or the amount of texts allocated to you. You might also look at changing over to a family plan or even switching to a different provider with a better offer. 

If you have debt you might look into whether or not you can lower your interest rate, or can consolidate if you have several amounts owing. 

Maybe ask other family members if they want to split a streaming service, or take turns hosting weekly dinners instead of going out to eat. And sometimes it’s the small things that really add out. Maybe you still go out to eat but only get a main, and skip the drink and appetizer. 

People can sometimes be resistant to anything that changes their lifestyle, but managing your finances today can help you better grow your wealth so that you can be comfortable in the future. 

Set Reasonable Goals

The best goals to set are the ones we are going to be able to achieve. Sure, you might want to put a thousand dollars into savings each month and only spend $100 on groceries, but that probably isn’t realistic for most people (and if it is, please tell us where you live and what grocery store you shop at!). Instead, once you’re looked through your expenses and categorized them into needs and wants, write down realistic parameters for how you are going to budget. 

A popular method is what is known as the 50-30-20 budget, laid out in detail on Investopedia. This is a budget that suggests you separate your after tax income into 50% needs, 30% wants and 20% goes into savings. While this budget isn’t going to be the right fit for everyone, it gives you a good guideline of how you might want to manage your finances. If you’re spending 60% of your money on things you want, and aren’t putting any money into savings, then you could easily run into trouble down the road. 

A reasonable goal is something that is not only realistic, but also something that can still allow you to live a comfortable life. Let’s go back to coffee. Maybe you absolutely love fancy coffees, but you realized that your budget simply doesn’t allow it, so you start making coffee at home. Well, just because getting daily fancy coffees is unaffordable, doesn’t mean that investing in a few fancy syrups or creamers is! Getting a hazelnut creamer and some chocolate sauce will yes, be a little bit more money at the grocery store, but will allow you to have enjoyable coffees for several weeks, or even months, at a much lower cost. 

Or maybe you love going to the gym, but the monthly gym rate has gotten out of hand. Instead, maybe you can find a better deal at the community recreation center. They often have very affordable memberships that include a range of classes and access to a swimming pool! You might even find that you can build community at local events that are often advertised on the message boards there. 

Don’t just get rid of everything you love and expect yourself to be able to stick with it, because that’s just not realistic. Instead, if something is really important to you, find a way to either cut down on other costs, or adjust the cost you love to make it a little bit more manageable for you. It’s hard to be a good caregiver if you’re not able to engage with the things you love, so make sure you’re budgeting with that in mind. NerdWallet has some other great tips on budgeting, with a focus on the 50-30-20 approach. 

Seek Out Community Supports

Sometimes we don’t get help unless we ask for it, and fortunately, there are often a lot of people out there who are willing to give it. A great first step is reaching out to a seniors’ center to ask if there are any community resources that are available to you or your loved one. This might look like a shuttle service that can help cut down on transportation costs, or fitness classes for older adults that are offered for little or no cost.

You might also look into any discounts or coupons that are available to local stores to help with grocery costs, or even discounts to entertainment such as half priced tickets to movies on Tuesdays, or a local diner that has 5 dollar appies on weekdays. If there’s a place you frequently patronize it might even be worth just giving them a call to ask if they offer any support to caregivers and the older adults they care for. Worst case you’ll get a no and move on. 

The saying “it takes a village” has a lot of value, so don’t feel like you have to go through this alone. By reaching out to your community you can better stay on top of your finances as a caregiver, and find others who are going through the same challenges that you are. 

Finally, it’s important to also do your research on what government support might be available to your loved one. If they are dealing with any kind of cognitive impairment, or if they are struggling with an illness that developed suddenly, then they might not have had enough time to research what kind of assistance they qualify for, and you don’t want to be missing out on extra financial support just because you didn’t know about it! Senior Services of America lays out some benefits and savings that may be available to the older adult you care for, but they emphasize the importance of also checking within your specific state, as they may be additional benefits that are only available to residents of certain locations. 

It can be a challenge to adjust to a brand new budget, so have patience for yourself. It can be helpful to keep track of your expenses with an app on your phone, or by collecting your receipts and going through them each week. Don’t be too disappointed if you make mistakes in the beginning, but don’t shy away from them. It’s easy for people who are struggling with their finances to try to ignore them. However, burying your head in the sand has never led to a positive outcome. Engage with your finances regularly, and soon you will find yourself calmer and in more control. Who knows, before long you might be back to buying those fancy hazelnut coffees in person.

Caring for a loved one can sometimes feel like an all consuming task. You might remember the last time you had a night out or managed an extra few minutes to focus on yourself. But it doesn’t have to be that way. While the older adult you care for certainly deserves your attention and care, you will actually be a better caregiver if you prioritize what will make your life easier and happier. And the good news is that implementing these changes doesn’t involve any major shift in your routine. Instead it’s small consistent changes that can transform your day to day life and make caregiving feel just a little bit more manageable. A fresh new year is the perfect time to commit to something new, right? So, let’s get started! 

Plan the Day

Who doesn’t love a schedule? All right, maybe you don’t, but you’re about to! WebMD tells us that planning out our days can, drumroll please, lower stress, improve our sleep and even give us more time to do the things we enjoy, which, all of the above combined, should help to contribute to an overall much happier you. Sounds pretty good, right?

It’s understandable if you’re someone who loves to improvise their day, but where that can sometimes end up is leaving you feeling like you’ve wasted time when you wish you could have set up a coffee with a friend, worked out, or spent time meal prepping. Scheduling can help you to see everything that you need to get done so that you can see where there is space left to do the things you enjoy, and yes, that might mean scheduling in time to not have a schedule!

Caregiving adds a lot to your plate, so if planning your day wasn’t something you did previously then it can make a world of difference now that you have taken on this enormous commitment. 

There are many ways you can incorporate scheduling into your life. You might like to set reminders on your phones for appointments, gym classes, and any must-do items. Or, you might like to put aside a few minutes each night to write out your plan for the next day. Depending on your needs you might even want to get hyper specific and put the timing of each task in your calendar. This is not to be restrictive, but inside open your eyes to what time you have available to you. Sometimes a small task might seem insurmountable, but if you schedule it into your day and make a note that the task should only take ten minutes then it might not loom as large in your mind as it did when it was just an idea in the background. 

Set an Intention 

The idea of setting an intention might seem similar to the idea of scheduling. But, instead of simply laying out the things you’re going to do, an intention is the why behind what you’re doing. An intention is all about the feeling you want to feel or the goal you want to achieve. For example an intention might be to care for your body with kindness. With that intention in mind you might choose to do some movement that feels good to you, like stretching, dancing or going for a run. It might look like making a filling and delicious meal that is also nutritious. It’s having a bath and reading a book before bed so that you get a good sleep, instead of staying up to binge watch a show or going out for drinks even if you know it’ll make you feel sick the next morning. 

Manulife offers some great tips on how you can set good intentions. And the article also points out how beneficial intention setting can be to our mental health. While caregiving can certainly be rewarding, it can also bring up a lot of feelings of anger, sadness and resentment, which are important emotions to feel, but not always pleasant ones to live by. Setting intentions can help you focus on the kind of life you want to live and how you want to conduct yourself as a caregiver to your loved one. Experiment by intentions by trying out an intention you want to focus on for one day. From there you might want to expand into intentions for the week or even ones you want to live by. 

Get Your Zzz’s

Everybody is guilty of staying up past their bedtime every now and then – especially adults! And, when you have incredibly full days from caregiving, work, caring for other family members and social commitments, it wouldn’t be surprising if you want to have some time to yourself to unwind and have a drink and play video games or watch the hottest new Netflix film. Unfortunately, lack of sleep is extremely detrimental to your health, and can also make focusing and emotional regulation in your day to day life very difficult. 

Mayo Clinic tells us that adults should be sleeping for a minimum of 7 hours a night, and for many adults, especially women, that number is likely to be higher. 

It’s hard to be the best version of yourself when you’re dazed and cranky from lack of sleep. And if you’re exhausted you are far more likely to make a careless mistake or exercise poor judgment. So, if you want to make your days as a caregiver easier, then prioritize getting a good night’s sleep every night. This can be done by establishing a healthy sleep routine. The following are some tips on how to get the recommended hours of sleep:

• Sleep in a cool, dark room. 
• Try to avoid using any screens for at least an hour before bed. 
• Use an eye mask or ear plugs to ensure adequate darkness and quiet for sleep. 
• Don’t eat a large meal before going to bed. If you’re hungry try having something light like oatmeal or a piece of toast. 
• Wash your sheets regularly.
• Try to avoid drinking alcohol or caffeine too close to bed. Caffeine can keep you up, and alcohol can inhibit the amount of quality sleep that you get. 

Eat Well

This one will be another shocker, but it turns out that eating well can improve our moods! Now, of course, nobody is feeling good if they eat boiled chicken and steamed vegetables for every meal – the bodybuilders are lying to you! But, if you are eating a well rounded diet with lots of fruit, vegetables, protein, healthy fats and whole grains, then the impact that it can have on your physical and mental health can be quite pronounced! 

The Mental Health Foundation reminds us of some great nutrition tips, they include:

• Eat regularly. Our bodies need to be fueled, especially when we have busy days with a lot of physical activities. Have high protein, filling meals with some healthy snacks, or eat several smaller meals throughout the day. 
• Stay hydrated. Hydration aids with food digestion and can also keep us regular. Try to get most of your hydration from water and herbal teas. 
• Add more vegetables, fruits and grains to your diet. Often people think about what they can take away from their diet, but instead what if you think about what you can add. Sure, chicken nuggets might not be the healthiest choice, but if you have it with a good helping of vegetables, some cheese and brown rice then suddenly you have a much more well rounded meal. 

Something important to remember when thinking about your diet is that you are only going to be able to stick to a healthy diet if you enjoy it. So don’t try to cut out all sugar or fried food all at once, especially if it’s something you love. Instead, look to the example of the chicken nuggets above and see what you can add that can make a meal more nutritious and satiated. Eating well will not only improve your caregiving, but all areas of your life. 

Incorporate Breaks

You might be your loved one’s caregiver, but that does not mean you are the only one who can provide care. If you want to ensure longevity in your role as a caregiver, and make your days easier, then you need to learn how to ask for help and take a break. 

Caregivers can often feel like they’re completely alone and that they have no one who can help them, but generally that is very far from the truth. And, you might be surprised at how much of a difference just an hour or two away can make! Sometimes even 15 minutes is enough to give you a reset on your entire day. 

The most difficult part of learning to take breaks is learning how to ask for help. This might be from family members, friends and coworkers. It can be nerve wracking at first, but once you do it once it gets easier. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

• Has anyone already offered help? If so, they are probably the best people to turn to first. 
• What is most helpful to you, and who is best equipped to provide it? If you want to have 15 minutes alone to enjoy your coffee in the morning, then asking a family member you live with, or a neighbor to watch your loved one is probably the best choice. If you’re looking to spend an hour or two away then you’ll want to rely on someone you trust who is mature and reliable. 

There are other ways people can help simplify your day without asking them to take on the care of a loved one. You might ask someone to run some errands for you, like groceries or dry cleaning, or maybe a friend takes your kids out for a movie so that you can have some time at home. Any help that can take some work off your plate is going to make your day easier. So, don’t be afraid to ask for help or accept it when it’s offered! 

Talk to Someone

Everyone needs someone to confide in. While some people like to suppress their emotions and believe that it makes them appear strong, forcing ourselves to hide what we’re feeling is never going to end well. Feelings have a way of making themselves known to us, and, if we push them down for long enough then they’re more likely to pop up at undesirable moments when we really don’t have time to deal with them!

Healthline tells us that repressing our emotions can lead to depression, anxiety and even physical symptoms such as digestive issues and fatigue – not exactly what you want when you’re dealing with heavy emotional and physical work all day! 

If you’re not used to talking about your emotions then therapy might be a good place to start, as a therapist can give you some tools to help you acknowledge and recognize how you’re feeling. But talking to a loved one can also be helpful. You might even ask to set aside five minutes of the conversation to simply express your feelings and worries. Do this without any judgement on yourself and without any expectation of how your loved one can help the situation (unless you want advice). Releasing in this structured way can make you feel safe, and also gives you an outlet. If you know you’re going to have five minutes to express yourself each day then you might not obsess about those feelings as much the rest of the time. However, do be mindful that if you’re experiencing something really heavy or traumatic then a professional might be a good person to talk to, as a friend or family member might not be able to support you in the way you require. 

At the end of the day, just letting those feelings out is a good choice, so if you don’t have the opportunity to talk to someone even writing down your thoughts has been shown to have a positive impact on mental health. 

Incorporate Movement 

The final suggestion we’ll make today is to find a way to incorporate movement into your daily routine. While the recommended amount of exercise is at least 30 minutes of moderate activity each day, there is no standard of exactly what that exercise should be. While there should be some combination of cardio and strengthening, the world is your oyster within that, so what do you love? Maybe you want to throw on your favorite playlist and bust a move, maybe you love walking through your local park, or perhaps your local rec center has some interesting classes on offer. Maybe your movement is building a shed outside or planting a garden – it all counts and it will all help to contribute towards better health and a cheerier day! 

You’re always learning new things as a caregiver. So, while this list should give you some good ideas to start with, you are likely to continually find new ways to improve and streamline your life and routine. You’re the only you, so do what feels good. You don’t have to do something the same way as anybody else just because it works for them. Lean into what feels best for you, and that’s where you’ll likely have the most success.

The time has come to buy the champagne (or that inexpensive bottle of sparkling wine, because the bubbles are all that really matter), countdown from 10, and ring in a new year. 

The end of the year can be emotional for a lot of people, especially caregivers. It’s inevitable to want to go through your year and analyze whether or not you’ve accomplished “enough.” It’s hard not to compare ourselves to others and scrolling through social media you’re going to see a lot of highlight reels. 

The truth is that as a caregiver you might spend so much time focused on the older adult you’re caring for that you might not have had a lot of time to focus on yourself. You might not have even had the time to set any goals at all! And, while just getting through the year is accomplishment enough, it does feel good when you can look back at your year and see that you achieved some of the things you set out to do. 

So, as we head into 2025, why not make a list of goals for yourself? These goals might be about how to be a better caregiver, or simply how to take better care of yourself, but all of them should be about how you can feel your best and head into the following year with a sense of pride and satisfaction. 

Before we get into the five goals you might want to consider making for 2025, let’s talk a little bit about what you want to think about when setting goals. A good rule to follow is to think about making SMART goals. And no, that doesn’t mean an intelligent goal (although, let’s be honest, any goal you’re making is probably going to be intelligent, because it’s being made by you). SMART is a way of setting goals that is used all over the world, and it’s a useful tool to help make your goals more achievable. Here’s what the acronym stands for:

S – Specific. Make your goal as specific as possible. What do you want to achieve and what do you need to do to get there? For example, a vague goal might be “be healthier” but a specific goal could be to “add a vegetable to every meal” or “walk for at least 15 minutes every day.”

M – Measurable. How can you measure your progress? Taking from the example of walking above, if you wanted to walk at least 15 minutes you could keep track with a fitness watch or a note in your phone. 

A – Achievable. We’ve all probably been guilty of making overly ambitious new years resolutions, like “I’m going to run five miles every day” when we have never even run for five minutes. But, an achievable goal could be to sign up for a five mile race in September, and start training in January. That’s also specific and measurable!

R – Relevant. Does the goal you’re making make sense to the longer-term goals you want to achieve in your life, whether personally or professionally? You should only make this goal if it’s important to you and what you want out of your life, not because of some sense of obligation to anyone else. 

T – Time-bound. It’s important to have some kind of end date to your goal, otherwise it can be easy to avoid working on it. Our brains love deadlines!

For more information on SMART goals, check out this excellent guide from the University of California.

Now that we’ve talked about how to frame your goals, let’s look at some possible ideas for what to aim for in 2025!

1. Start a Gratitude Practice

It’s no secret that many caregivers struggle with their mental health. It’s a demanding job on its own, but add it onto other commitments like taking care of kids, or finding time to still pursue your career and it can quickly begin to feel unmanageable. While there are many ways to take care of your mental health, focusing on gratitude has been shown, by the National Alliance on Mental Illness, to increase feelings of satisfaction and happiness in one’s life. In fact, documenting happy moments or people or events you are grateful for can possibly even lessen symptoms of depression!

After studying the impacts of gratitude on test subjects, researchers also found that gratitude appears to affect physical health as well. Test subjects who practiced gratitude,  instead of negativity, seemed to make overall healthier choices and also visited their doctors more frequently. This resulted in stronger immune systems and other perks, such as better sleep! Not bad for something that can take as just a few minutes out of each day to do!

There are many ways to practice gratitude, but, if we’re thinking about SMART goals, here are some tips. 

• Gratitude journal. This is one of the most common ways to start a gratitude practice. This consists of putting aside a few minutes each day to write down what you’re grateful for that day. Remember to be as specific as possible. “I’m grateful for my family” is a nice sentiment, but a little general. When journaling it’s a good idea to have a daily goal. This might look like setting a timer for five minutes and free writing, or committing to writing down three things you’re grateful for each day. 
• Weekly gratitude jar. At the end of each week write down your favorite moments and moments you are grateful for. You can then set a time to go through the jar to remind yourself of all the good moments you’ve had. You might choose to empty the jar every month, or wait until the end of the year. Again, it’s a good idea to give yourself a bit of structure by deciding on a minimum number of contributions you make each week. Otherwise, if you’re used to being negative you might be tempted to dismiss the jar and say “nothing good happened this week!” It can be surprising to realize all the good you have in your life when you actually sit down and think about it. 
• Meditation. Many meditation apps offer meditations that are specifically focused on finding gratitude. This is a good way to start altering your thought process throughout your daily life, into one that’s more mindful and present so that you can notice everything you’re grateful for in real time. 

2. Grow Your Skills

One of the great gifts of being human is the ability to continually learn new things. Although some caregivers might have stepped into this job with prior experience (and many others have chosen it as a professional career path) for others, it is very possible that you took on the job of looking after a loved one with no real idea of what you were doing. You’re caring, compassionate and smart, and you’ve figured out a lot along the way, but there’s always more to learn, so why not make that a goal for this year?

If you connect with your local seniors center, hospital or support group, they are likely to be able to point you towards resources in your area that provide courses on how to be a more well-rounded caregiver. This might look like learning to better care for a loved one with dementia, or how to navigate emotional outbursts. 

There are also many classes you might want to explore that can help you become a better caregiver, while also giving you skills you can apply to other areas of your life! This might look like taking a cooking class, or maybe even becoming certified to become a personal trainer so that you know how to properly assist your loved one through a gentle fitness routine, while also keeping yourself active and healthy. 

Continuing your education can give you confidence, improve the relationship you have with the loved one you care for, and can also help boost other areas of your life. So, if there’s something you’d like to improve in, then consider taking a course. Nothing like a certificate to give you the satisfaction of completing a goal!

3. Help Your Loved One Get Their Affairs in Order

The transition into caretaking can often be so overwhelming that the conversation about what to do with a household of items, or whether or not someone has an updated will is often forgotten about until it’s staring you square in the face. 

Of course, it’s natural to feel some hesitancy about broaching these topics. There’s a natural association these tasks have with the end of someone’s life, and that can be difficult to think about, for everyone. However, if you don’t address these matters so they are going to continue hanging around in the back of your mind until you do, and that can add unnecessary stress and anxiety into your life. 

Instead, schedule a time to sit down with your loved one and any other family members or loved ones who should be involved, and discuss these important issues. Be clear about what needs to be addressed, but don’t forget to be gentle and kind. It’s always helpful in these situations to explain why you feel something is important. Make it clear to your loved one that you want to respect their wishes, and that by taking care of these matters now will ensure that things are just as they want them to be, instead of leaving you and other loved ones to try to sort through everything after they’re gone. No one wants to feel like a burden, and helping someone take care of their affairs will help them make sure that they never are. The National Institute on Aging offers a great checklist to look through if you are unsure where to start. 

4. Arrange More Support

Caregiving is not something you should have to do alone. Unfortunately, many adult children who take on caregiving responsibilities for an aging parent often find themselves in a position where they are the only source of care for their loved one, and quickly become burnt out. This might be because you don’t want to burden others, or because you believe you are the only person who is capable of adequately caring for your loved one. 

While there might be specific tasks that you have been trained to oversee, such as the administration of a medication, or helping with physical therapy, it is very unlikely that you are the only person who is able to care for your loved one 24/7, and it’s also very unlikely that you are the only person who wants to help. Most people have bigger support networks than they realize, they just need to ask. Maybe friends and family have already offered help but you haven’t felt comfortable accepting it yet. Well, the time has come!

To begin, take a bit of time to figure out what you need help with, or even better, what you want the time for. Maybe you want a few hours each week so that you can get workouts in, or you want to be able to have a regular date night. Don’t only ask for help for what you need. Make sure you are also prioritizing yourself and what will help bring you joy and stability. 

From there, reach out to your network to see who can commit to regular support. This might be a friend, family member or even another caregiver that you can trade off support with. Make sure your arrangement is clear and that they know what they need so that both of you and your loved one can all feel comfortable so that you can really enjoy that time away. When you take care of yourself you’ll take better care of your loved one!

5. Make Time for Joy

A lot of caregiving can get caught up in serious matters. You wouldn’t be taking care of someone if they had no medical needs, and it can be easy to only focus on doctor appointments and safety concerns. While of course those matters should take priority, it’s also important to remember to make time for joy and fun. In fact, the University of Medicine and Health Sciences tells us that joy is responsible for creating robust physical and mental health, something you might just be in search of right about now.  

Joy can be found in different ways, so figure out what’s right for you and your loved one. Maybe it’s baking together, in which case you might commit to a cupcake or muffin day each week. Perhaps you both love animals, so you might search for silly animal videos or, if possible, go to a local petting zoo. Joy might even be found in something as simple as listening to some beautiful music, or blowing some bubbles and watching them float through the air. Joy doesn’t need to cost a lot of money or take a lot of time, but it’s something that should be sought out and paid attention to, because it will help make your life brighter and more beautiful. 

At the end of the day, you want to make goals that resonate with you and are going to improve your life. So hopefully these suggestions have given you a good springboard from which you can jump into this new year. Here’s to a great one! 

Sometimes the pressure of the holiday season can create a rollercoaster of emotion for older adults. This might have been a time of year that used to bring them great joy, but now they are struggling with loneliness and a feeling that they’re losing control. Coupled with the idea that this is the time of year when they really should feel happy, and it can leave older adults at a higher risk of suffering from anxiety and depression, just as others are joyfulling trimming their tree.

As a caregiver you are likely already dealing with your own personal stress when it comes to the holidays. Caring for the rest of your family, dealing with work commitments and somehow trying to fit in some kind of social life, it can be easy to become overwhelmed. But thankfully, we’re here to help. Read on to find out how you can manage you and your loved ones’ expectations so that you can actually enjoy the holidays. 

Talk in Advance

It’s very common for the holidays to erupt into arguments and disappointments simply because nobody talked to each other about their expectations. Everyone has their own feelings about how the holidays should go and what will make the season joyful for them. However, it’s helpful to find out what is truly important. You might want a big dinner, but only because you think that’s what other people want. In reality other people might not care as much, and doing all that cooking just stresses you out. Instead, maybe you can simplify things by having a big breakfast and a smaller dinner, ordering take out or getting catering. Don’t get stuck in the idea of what a holiday should be. 

Sit down with the people you’re going to celebrate the holidays with and talk through what’s important to everyone. There might have to be some adjustments due to cost or logistics, but see what might be possible. Did you used to all go to a movie together but now it’s just too expensive or the older adult you care for isn’t able to due to mobility limitations? Instead, maybe you can rent a movie at home and get some fun movie theater snacks like popcorn and candy. That way you can still prioritize what’s important but do it in a way that works for you. 

In addition to having a conversation before the holidays, you should also check in later. Make sure everyone remembers what was talked about so there won’t be any confusion, especially with someone whose memory might not be as strong as it used to be. These check-ins don’t need to be lengthy, just a good testing of the temperature.

Ask for What You Need

Don’t feel like you have to go through this season alone. Even if you are a single parent you can still ask for help from friends, family members and even coworkers. This might look like leaving work an hour early to get some shopping done, or asking a friend to pick up your kid on the last day of school. And, it’s also important to ask whoever you’re celebrating the holidays with to pitch in when it comes to the celebrations. This is especially true if someone wants something (discussed during the talk mentioned above), but it feels like too big of a commitment for you to do on your own. For example, if your partner or teenager loves having a big christmas dinner, but that’s something that you don’t have the capacity to do on your own, then agree on how they can best help you with that task. Maybe that’s peeling the potatoes, cleaning the house or agreeing to forgo homemade gravy this year. It’s unfair to have all the expectations of the holiday fall on you, so make it clear that if loved ones have certain expectations then they need to contribute to help make them possible. 

If it’s the loved one you care for that’s asking for something that feels out of reach, then it’s important to have an honest conversation with them about your limitations. Try to dig into what it is that they’re really after. If they’re asking for a big dinner then maybe all they’re seeking is a moment of connection, which can be had with a dedicated time together sharing tea and cookies. Or maybe they really love a particular dish at dinner, and agreeing to make that one dish with more modest sides might help fill that yearning. There’s usually a way to meet peoples’ needs, but you just have to talk to them to find out how. 

Of course, sometimes there can be push back against asking for help, especially if it’s from family who aren’t used to pitching in the past. Be prepared to stand your ground. Be kind but firm with your boundaries. It might feel awkward at first, but it will feel much worse if you agree to put together a holiday celebration that you don’t have the energy for. 

Schedule

Sometimes we just need a bit of predictability in our lives. Keeping a schedule is a great way to stay organized during the holidays while also keeping emotions in check. Writing everything down can help you stay on track of commitments, while also staying realistic about what is doing, and what you and your loved ones actually want to prioritize. 

Psychology Today tells us that anticipating an event we’re looking forward to can be very good for our mental health, something that is extra useful during such a busy time of year. If you and the older adult you care for are able to agree on some favorite holiday traditions and have them written down in the calendar then the excitement and anticipation of that event can help keep everyone in a good mood. 

However, there are a few important things to consider here. While it is nice to have events to look forward to, you don’t want to build them up too much. Try to simply look forward to getting to experience something, no matter how it turns out. You don’t want to look forward to drinking hot chocolate at a market just to arrive and find they’ve run out, or go to a concert and find they’re not singing the song you’d been looking forward to hearing. Instead, try to focus on simply enjoying whatever experience you have, and being open to it being different from previous years or other events you’ve been to. Sometimes we build something up so much in our head that once we get there we can be let down if it’s not exactly what we imagined. But there is still so much good and fun to be had that it would be a pity to be so distracted by minor details that you can’t enjoy it. 

Something else to think about is the weather conditions of the event. Is there any chance it could be cancelled, and if so, do you have a backup plan? You don’t have to plan anything extensive, but having a few ideas in the back of your mind can help avoid any meltdowns. 

Finally, be sure to schedule appropriately when it comes to timing. Account for traffic, parking, and whether or not you require a ticket for where you’re going. Research might seem tedious, but it can save you a big headache down the road!

Build New Traditions

Something that can be upsetting for older adults is that certain elements of their life might need to adjust as they get older, and that certain holiday traditions might not be possible for them anymore. That might be because of their mobility – downhill skiing might not be safe, or their hands might be too stiff to make hundreds of cookies to deliver to friends and family. And it might be too challenging for you or someone else to take over certain traditions, or you might not be interested in the traditions they want to continue. 

Instead, it might be a good idea to take this as an opportunity not to mourn the loss of old traditions, but to celebrate the creation of new ones. Maybe instead of hours spent cooking decorating you can buy a few treats and make a simple ice cream sundae bar. Maybe skiing is out but there’s a beautiful light display you could go look at, or maybe even a sleigh ride? Or maybe you try things that are completely different from any tradition you’ve had before. Try making a brand new type of cuisine for dinner, or compete to see who can find the cheesiest holiday movie and predict the ending together. At the end of the day, most people just want to spend the holidays with the people they love, so don’t worry too much about how that comes about as long as you’re there for each other. If you want to learn more about how to build new traditions, take a look at this article by The Good Trade. 

Be Vulnerable

On that same topic, there can be a lot of sadness around the holidays due to the people who are not with us. While it might be tempting to ignore these absences and put on a happy face, that pain is still going to be there, so why not face it? It doesn’t have to dominate the holiday, but have an honest conversation about your sadness that that person or people are not there with you. Perhaps there can be a way to celebrate them, like putting down a place for them at dinner, making a dish they loved, or simply spending an evening sharing photos and stories. 

Prioritize Mental Health

When planning out your holiday schedule make sure that you’re allowing time for what brings you peace. It’s hard to keep your cool in a stressful situation if you are overtired and haven’t had a chance to unwind. And the loved one you care for might also be in desperate need of a little TLC. Perhaps you book both of you therapy appointments. Your loved one can find a wonderful therapist focused on the needs of older adults at Total Life. 

When planning a new tradition you might even consider adding in some that are specifically focused on self care. Maybe you plan a spa night where you soak your feet in warm water and put on face masks. Or maybe self care looks like going for a swim or enjoying a delicious burger. Whatever is going to make you feel your best you should do it, because it will help you show up as your best and happiest self. 

Remember, that even though a little indulgence can feel good sometimes, a big part of keeping our minds and body healthy is through a healthy diet, sleep and exercise, so while self care might be enjoying a glass of wine or some chocolates now and then, it’s important that that doesn’t tip over into a binge that will have the opposite effect than was intended. Instead, focus on habits that can make you feel good, with cues from Healthline.

Make Gifts Easy

It doesn’t matter how old you get, it can still be easy to be disappointed if you don’t get the gift you were hoping for. It’s also distressingly easy to overspend during the holidays, because you might think you need to go all out in order for your loved ones to enjoy the season.

Giving and receiving gifts should be joyful so why over complicate it? Set some guidelines for gift giving this year, so that you can relax, and everyone can feel confident that they’ll receive something they need or want. Here are some things to think about:

• Cost. If finances are tight, or if you know that some loved ones might feel self conscious about the amount they can afford, it might be a good idea to set a price limit. This way no one has to feel overburdened, or like they didn’t spend enough on a present when someone got them a gift that cost way more. 
• Consider assigning gifts. If you and your family are in a place to get gifts for everyone and you want to do so then that’s totally fine, but if that seems stressful and too expensive then why not participate in a secret santa or some other kind of gift exchange, like the ones suggested on Martha Stewart? This way everyone still gets something, but you don’t have to worry about buying gifts for a dozen people. 
• Make wish lists. If you want something specific then let that be known. Not everyone is a good gift-getter, and having a list can alleviate stress while ensuring you still get something you want. Have everyone else make a list as well. And be sure to check in with others – is there something they really need? Try to focus on others’ wishes. Sometimes you might want to give something fun but your loved one might want something practical like socks or a giftcard to a grocery store. If you get them something fun then you’re buying for you, not for them. Listening to each other allows everyone to be happy. 
• Discuss if you and your loved ones actually want gifts. Sometimes families just want to spend time together and the gifts aren’t important. Gifts can be a love language so don’t ignore that if that’s the case, but often quality time or something simple and small is just what the holiday calls for. 

Holidays can be difficult, so be sure to give you and your loved ones grace. However, with a bit of planning and the implementation of the tips above, you should be looking at a jolly holiday.

When you take on the role of caregiver to a loved one it’s common to have the transition feel like a rollercoaster you don’t quite remember lining up to ride. A few months in you might not be able the last time you had a date night, let alone five minutes on your own. 

Although it’s completely normal to experience a transition period that feels a little hectic, it is important that you start to figure out what tools to employ in order to manage this new addition to your life. If you never have any time off to care for yourself or focus on that exciting project at work then it’s only a matter of time before you will begin to experience the warning signs of burnout, and once you reach that point it becomes even more challenging to adopt a healthy routine. 

Maybe you never planned to join the circus, but you’re here now. So, today let’s teach you how you can juggle work, family and caregiving without breaking a sweat. 

Regular Family Meetings

As soon as you decide, or are required, to take on the care of a loved one you should schedule a meeting with your family. That’s everyone you live with and other family members that might be involved with your loved one’s care.

At this meeting you should discuss the routine you plan to establish with your loved one, and what support other family members are able to contribute. This might look like them driving your loved one to appointments or being there for them during a meal. Support might also look like taking over some of the tasks that you might have taken charge of in the past, such as cooking dinner or doing the vacuuming. Figure out the elements of life that you need the most support with, and match that with the care and skills of the other people in your family. 

Importantly, make sure that these meetings are a regular occurrence. It’s easy for people to make promises they can keep, so it’s important that regular check-ins happen so that everyone stays on track. After some time you might also realize that you need some adjustments to the routine, or that something you thought you could do on your own requires some extra support, so you don’t want to just have one meeting to decide everything, instead, stay in constant communication. 

Keeping What’s Important to You 

When your schedule starts filling up it can be easy to let go of the things that you enjoy the most. You might feel like you don’t have time to go to the gym, or that it’s frivolous to spend time watching TV. However, if those are the things that bring you joy and help you feel balanced and calm, then it’s more important than ever that you make space for them in your life. 

Making time for these activities can help keep stress and anxiety at bay, which will make you a more patient and giving loved one, and a more enthusiastic and productive worker. Yes, it can be tricky to find the time, but even a little bit of doing something you enjoy is better than nothing at all. So make time for that walk, making cookies with your kid, or those relaxing morning stretches. You and everyone around you will be better for it. 

Sleep 

Sleep is one of the most important things we can do for our health. In fact, the University of Chicago reminds us that poor sleep habits can result in a wide range of health issues. This includes mental health problems such as depression and anxiety, high blood pressure, diabetes and weight gain. Poor sleep can also affect judgement. In some studies lack of sleep has been shown to have the same impact as consuming several drinks. When you’re handling the care of a loved one or making a difficult call at work the last thing you want is to have impaired judgement. The exhaustion and brain fog that accompanies lack of sleep can also make it much more difficult for you to engage in other healthy habits, such as eating well or exercising. So do yourself a favor and prioritize getting a good night’s rest. Here’s a few things to think about to optimize your zz’s:

• No screens an hour before bed. Instead turn to a book, a warm bath, some gentle stretches or a coming activity such as coloring. 
• Don’t eat any large meals before bed. If you find yourself hungry try to have something filling but small, and stick to mild foods. Good choices include oatmeal, peanut butter toast or a warm glass of milk with a little bit of honey. 
• Make your room comfortable. Try to keep your room tidy, as a cluttered room can make it difficult to sleep. You should also focus on making it cool and dark, two things that have been shown to help with sleep. A sleep mask and cooling sheets might make a good purchase. Finally, figure out if silence or a background noise is best to aid sleep. You might look into running an app with a calming sound like ocean waves, or if you prefer silence then buying a pair of earplugs might be in order. 
• Keep your routine. You might not want to get up at 6 on the weekend, but if that’s the time you get up during the week then sticking to that schedule will be the best for your sleep. Our bodies get used to a certain rhythm and they don’t like having that rhythm disrupted. Do your best to go to bed and get up at the same time every day and your body and mind will thank you.

Coordinate with Work 

Caregiving can turn your schedule upside down, and sticking with your regular work schedule may be incompatible with your new daily routine. While there may be times where you need to reschedule your family and caregiving responsibilities, it’s also worth having a conversation with management to see if any accommodations can be made for you. 

You might ask if there’s any possibility of working some days from home, or seeing if you can be scheduled in a way that you are out of the office earlier, or work longer days four days a week so that you can have an extra day off. You might even see if you can take a leave from work or organize some personal days. While of course asking for time off isn’t a long term solution, a few days to settle into this new routine with your loved one might be exactly what you need to feel comfortable.

Schedule 

If you didn’t rely on your schedule before, this is definitely the time to start! It can be easy to get overwhelmed with all the tasks, errands, meetings and appointments you need to keep track of when juggling work, family and caregiving, but keeping a schedule can help keep you focused, and will allow you to strategize on how best to balance all of your commitments with the things that bring you joy (see advice above). Every evening it’s a good idea to review your schedule for the next day to be sure you don’t have any conflicts, and most calendar apps also allow you to set reminders, which you can do days or hours in advance. This is a great way to make sure you don’t miss anything important. These alerts can also be used for enjoyable events like birthdays, so you don’t need to worry about missing a loved one’s special day because you were so focused on something else. 

When scheduling appointments don’t forget to account for the time it takes to travel in between locations. Consider how long the commute is as well as the time it might take to get ready, especially if taking the loved one you’re caring for who might struggle with mobility. 

Use Community Resources

It’s important to remember you are not alone in this challenging situation. There are so many adult children who are navigating the same challenges you are right now, and they might be very helpful to talk to so that you can gain valuable advice, or simply have an understanding listening ear.

Check out local support groups for caregivers. You can find further information on sites like this. You might also reach out to older adults’ homes or other caregivers you know. 

It also might be helpful to see what community services are available to the older adult you are caring for. There might be programming such as exercise classes, special events and even transportation that is available to them that would not only give them a little bit of independence, but might take a little bit of the weight off of you so that you can enjoy a break every once and a while. Many communities have a dedicated older adult center, which is a great place to begin your search for support.  

Lean On Your Support Network

No one should have to go through hard times alone. Make sure to reach out to friends and family for help when you need it. Whether that’s taking the older adult you care for out to dinner so that you can have a bath, or coming over to enjoy a beer at the end of the day. Stay in contact with the people you leave and be honest with them when you’re having a hard time. Psychology Today tells us that talking about our feelings out loud helps reduce stress and boosts our immune systems, something you could probably use right about now!

You also want to make sure that there’s a good support network in place in case of any emergencies with your family of the loved one you’re caring for. Have a plan in place for childcare, alerting your workplace, and reaching out to any important medical personnel who should be kept in the loop. 

Tend to Your Own Health

We touched on this a little bit when talking about getting a good night’s sleep, but you can’t forget the other crucial lifestyle habits that keep you healthy: diet and exercise. Yes, it’s understandable to want to come home and crash on the couch with a bag of chips and watch television, but ultimately that’s just not going to make you feel your best. 

Instead, try to focus on filling up on nutrient dense foods, and follow Harvard University’s advice for how to appropriately fill your plate: ½ is veggies and fruits, ¼ is whole grains, and ¼ is protein. While it’s OK to enjoy sweet treats, try to do so in moderation, and do your best to stick to water as your main form of hydration. It’s also totally OK to use a meal service. They are fast, convenient, and often offer high protein meals that are already appropriately portioned for your health. 

In terms of movement, some is better than none. Try to choose the stairs instead of the elevator, or commit to doing jumping jacks every time a commercial comes on while watching TV. Also, if working at a desk do your best to get up for a quick stretch at least every hour. 

Keep a Clean Space 

It may be tempting to let housekeeping slide when you’re busy, but skipping that hour or two of work might actually be making your mental health and productivity worse! RACGP tells us that clutter can negatively affect our brains, raise levels of stress, and make us more likely to procrastinate! This is not something you need when you’re already trying to juggle so many different things. 

Cleaning can feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. Try setting a timer for five minutes each day, and commit to cleaning non stop for that time. You might even put on a long song and do the dishes, dust, clean the toilet or do anything else until that song is done. You might even make cleaning into a competition and offer a small prize to the family member who manages to get the most cleaning done throughout the week. You might be surprised at how much more likely kids are to do some cleaning if they know they’ll get a few bucks or a couple more minutes of screentime in return. 

Adjusting to this new lifestyle is going to take some time. You will almost certainly experience a couple of bumps on the road as you figure out your new normal, so be patient and kind with yourself and the people around you. Make sure to ask for help when you need it and try not to be too precious about your privacy. While of course it’s important to respect the privacy of the loved one you’re caring for, you shouldn’t pretend that it isn’t happening. You can explain you’ve taken on someone’s care without revealing their medical details. It’s important to do this because it’s difficult for people to help you if they don’t know what’s going on. Plus, sharing your difficult moments will likely make you realize that a lot of other people can relate – and it always feels better to know you’re not alone!

So, the time has come for mom or dad to move into assisted living. This is often a very difficult time in a family’s life, and you and your parent might be experiencing a lot of emotions about this major life transition. 

While it’s completely natural for everyone to have some complicated emotions about this move, the transition itself doesn’t actually have to be painful. With a little bit of planning and discussion you can help your mom or dad find an assisted living facility where they feel comfortable and safe, and you can relax knowing that they are being well taken care of. The following are some tips to help you and your parent find the perfect place for them to enjoy a happy and healthy future. 

Their Needs

The first thing you’ll want to figure out is exactly what kind of support your parent needs. Assisted living is often used as a broad term, so depending on what medical issues your parent is facing, they may be in need of extensive care, or simply a place to build community and have some support with basic tasks. 

There are several living options to consider. Let’s start at the lowest level of support:

Independent Living

Independent living is a living environment where your mom or dad would still be living on their own, but would be living in a building complex that was specifically reserved for retirees. Independent living arrangements usually include amenities such as lunches and dinners, special events and fitness classes. Independent living is a great way for older adults to have a support network of friends and workers nearby while also enjoying support for their daily needs. Most independent living homes also offer light housekeeping and shuttles to nearby grocery centers and malls.

This is the right fit for a older adult who doesn’t have any major medical needs, but who is struggling to maintain a home or growing tired of cooking for themselves. It helps older adults to be more social and live independently for a longer period of time.

Assisted Living

Assisted living can be fairly similar to independent living, where a older adult has their own apartment and is still fairly active, but this kind of living is most suitable for those who require daily care with activities such as bathing or the administration of medication. This might look like a caregiver coming into the apartment every day to help with the specific needs of their client.

Assisted living can also look like a more intensive care experience where everyone in the facility is receiving more focused care. People in assisted living might have an apartment but generally don’t have a kitchen and will usually have all of their meals prepared for them. 

Long Term Care

Long term care is the most intensive out of all of the living arrangements. This is generally reserved for older adults who are experiencing extreme physical or cognitive difficulties. There is a lot of care involved with very hands-on, 24 hour staff, and, if your parent is dealing with a condition like dementia or Alzheimer’s, they will likely be in a locked ward to ensure their safety. 

It’s like that if you are reading this then your parent is firmly in the assisted living category, but it’s always good to know the differences. Sometimes a condition progresses rapidly, or your parent may actually be in much better condition than you thought and might need very little support. Knowing what to expect in the different living situations can help you to know exactly what to look for. Here are a few things to consider:

• How mobile is your parent? Do they need to use a cane, walker or wheelchair
• Is your parent struggling with mental health issues?
• Does your parent have a diagnosed memory disease?
• Does your parent have a complicated medication routine?
• Does your parent require regular physical therapy?
• Can your parent clean their house?
• Can your parent cook healthy, nutritious meals for themselves?
• Can your parent bathe themselves? 

All of these questions should help you figure out the kind of care your parent needs when looking for an appropriate care facility. 

Location

When looking for a care facility for your parent the first thing you’re probably going to think about is the quality of the care home. And, while it’s of course important to find a well-reviewed and comfortable home, the location of that home is almost equally important. 

It can be quite disruptive for older adults to be moved far away from the neighborhood they’re familiar with. In fact, abrupt moves can result in a condition known as relocation stress syndrome. According to Social Work Today, relocation stress syndrome can happen within days, or sometimes even as long as several months after a move. Older adults experiencing this condition might be angry, depressed, and erratic, display aggressive mood swings and a wide range of physical symptoms. These physical symptoms can include a rapid heart rate, weight changes, nausea, poor sleep and increased substance use. 

While sometimes a move is unavoidable, you should always work with your parent and a support worker to make the move as gradual and sympathetic as possible. Most older adults have lived in the same location for many years, and are comfortable in their routines. Ripping them away from that to suddenly be placed in unfamiliar surroundings can be extremely traumatic. This is especially true for older adults who are experiencing memory failure. Research shows that many people, even with cognitive decline, still have a grasp on their long term memory,  but have much more trouble with more recent memories. This makes it very difficult to navigate a new space where they don’t have any established connection. 

That’s why it is not only important to consider the physical location of where your parent ends up, but also what supports will be in place once they arrive there. You will want to ensure there’s a strong support system in place to walk them through this major transition. 

Ratio

While you’re browsing for an appropriate facility, likely using a site like A Place for Mom, you might be tempted by the attractive amenities provided at certain spots. However, something very important to consider is not just what’s on offer, but how many people are providing those services. 

A piece by the National Institute of Nursing Research found that large ratios between nurses and patients (that is, when a single nurse is assigned to a large number of patients) the rates of deaths and rehospitalizations were much higher than if a nurse was assigned a much lower number of patients, and patients were tended to by more medical professionals overall. 

In an ideal situation you will want to look at a ratio of around six patients to one nurse or care worker. Of course, you’ll want to interview any potential facilities, and also look at online reviews of the location. 

Feel

Have you ever heard the term “the vibes were off”? While it might seem silly to base your decision of care off of a vibe, the concept is not totally ridiculous. You can tell a lot by the feeling of a place, which is why it’s always so important to visit facilities in person to understand the kind of environment your parent might experience every day. Here are some of the things you should look for when visiting a home:

• Cleanliness of the establishment. Walls, floors and bathrooms should be clean and dry. There shouldn’t be any dirt or trip hazards. You should also inquire about ventilation and how often vents are cleaned. Proper ventilation is a key component of keeping sickness at bay, and can also help with symptoms of asthma and other breathing issues. 
• Cleanliness and attitude of the residents. You should look for residents who seem clean and well cared for. Do they look happy and seem to have good relationships with the staff? If any of the residents seem scared or withdrawn, especially in their interactions with staff, then that is cause for concern.
• Safety procedures. Check to see what policies are in place for a disruptive patient, a cognitively impaired resident who leaves a secure area, and what happens when a contagious illness begins to spread throughout the facility. 

Vibes can be incorrect, but it is still important to trust your gut. If something feels off then that usually means it is. Don’t ignore that feeling. After all, it’s your parent’s health that is at stake. 

What’s Important to Your Parent

While delicious meals might be your top priority, that might not actually be the most important thing for your mom or dad. So, sit down and talk to them and find out what they care about most when thinking about the best assisted living facility for them. They might want to enjoy a good social life, so looking for a place with a bustling event calendar and lots of community lounges would be a good choice. Maybe they want to make sure there’s a chapel so that they have somewhere to pray, or a barber or hair salon so they can regularly look their best. 

Don’t push them if their idea of a comfortable home doesn’t match yours. Just think about the dignity you’d want to be granted if you were in their position. While you might not be able to grant all of their wishes, it’s important to do your best to find something that ticks some of their boxes. Your attention and understanding will mean a lot to them. 

Cost

Of course, a lot of your decision making during this process is going to come down to cost. Many assisted living facilities are expensive, and you might be limited to homes that accept Medicare. Always be sure to speak with an insurance provider to find out what kind of care your loved one is eligible for, and speak to any potential facilities as well, to make sure you’re not going to end up paying for any hidden fees. Think about finding a facility the same way you would search for a house. Sure, there might be features you would like, but what is it that you can truly not live without. Deal breakers are a helpful way to find the best spot. If you haven’t taken the time to go through dealbreakers with your loved one then you might miss out on an amazing spot because you thought something was a deal breaker when it was really just a preference.

Cultural Comfort

Our world is made up of billions of people with different backgrounds and experiences. While it’s always good to interact and make friends out of people who are different from you, it can also be important to have a network of people who understand the same cultural experience as you. There’s a camaraderie and a shorthand that people from the same backgrounds face that people outside of it just might not understand, and if you don’t have anyone to share that with then it can be isolating. Of course, there are many ways to share culture, whether that’s someone from the same race, the same religion, the same sexuality or even from the same state. When thinking about an assisted living facility it’s important to find out whether or not your loved one will experience any kind of cultural isolation that could be damaging for them in that space. If someone isn’t free to be themselves, then it’s easy to become withdrawn, and that can be extremely detrimental to one’s mental health. 

Consider the Long Term

When thinking about appropriate living arrangements for your loved one it’s important to think about the trajectory of the rest of their life. While we can never completely predict the future, their current health condition and age can usually provide some idea of their life expectancy and health needs. The reason you want to think about the future is because it might impact the kind of home you chose right now. If, for example, your parent has been diagnosed with a cognitive disease they might still be in the early stages, and perfectly capable of living independently. So, it might be tempting to place them in an exclusively independent living facility. However, you know that down the road their care needs will grow more and more extensive, so it probably makes more sense to place them into a facility that can transition them into that kind of care on site, which saves your mom or dad an unnecessary move. 

In another situation, perhaps your parent has been diagnosed with serious heath conditions, and are already in their late 90s and are unlikely to live for many more years. This might mean the budget doesn’t need to be so tight, and you can splurge on some more extravagant care during their final days. 

At the end of the day the best choice is the one that feels best to you and your loved one. So remember to trust your gut, and be patient during this major transition in your parent’s life.

It’s common for adult children to take on some degree of caregiving for their parents as they grow older. For some children it’s their way of giving thanks for all the support their parents provided to them throughout their lives. But, for children who live far away, figuring out how they can offer support to their parents without being physically present can often be difficult and distressing. It can be easy to feel like you’re not providing any support to your parents, and quickly become overcome with guilt. 

Thankfully, there are many ways you can support your parents as they age, even if you live several states away. If you’re reading this then it’s already obvious how much you care, and for older adults, knowing that they have a network of people to support them is incredibly important. The following are some tips on how to navigate caring for your parents when you live far away from them. 

Regular Check-Ins

There are so many ways to provide care to others. While it might seem like caregiving is all about being there to offer support with daily tasks, so much of a caregiver’s role is about companionship. Older adults often struggle with loneliness and depression, as they may have lost their spouse or community members, or have recently moved into new housing in a new neighborhood. The Mayo Clinic outlines how crucial socialization is for mental and physical health, which is why staying in regular contact with your parents is a great way to support their needs, even if you can’t be there in person. You can call via phone or video chat, and also remind them you’re thinking of them through email and text message. While the latter two shouldn’t be the sole method of communication, but it can be a great way to maintain contact during the week just to let them know that you’re thinking about them. It’s also a nice way to share photos and videos, and also give older adults who are less comfortable with technology a stress-free opportunity to practice interacting with their devices. 

Routine can be very important for older adults, so it’s helpful if you are able to arrange a call at the same time each week. If not, then making an effort to find a good time for your next call at the end of the previous one is also a good option. 

During check-ins make sure to ask about any changes to your parents’ physical and mental health and find out if there’s anything they are in immediate need of. This might look like helping them prepare for a doctor’s appointment or writing down a grocery list. However, while it’s important to check in about their immediate needs, don’t forget to also use this time to simply catch up and talk about joyful activities in their lives and things they’re looking forward to. This is a chance for you to connect with them in a meaningful way which again, is needed to help keep loneliness at bay. People want to know they are important and that they are on someone else’s mind. That’s a powerful way to be there for your parents – don’t underestimate that. 

Set Up a Support Network

A good way to support your parents and also put your mind at ease is to make sure they have a support network in place in case of an emergency. This might look like having a friend, neighbor or other family member check in on your parents in person at regular intervals, to make sure they’re doing OK. It’s also a good idea to have a list of any medical professionals or close friends you should contact in case you suspect they need help or you aren’t able to get ahold of them. 

Not only is this a good list for you to have, but it’s also helpful for your parents to think about the people in their lives who they can rely on, or help them build up a stronger support network if it’s feeling a little feeble. Sometimes we can forget to foster those relationships, so aging can be a good reminder of how important it is to maintain a robust support system. 

Offer Research 

If your parents are dealing with health issues, something that you can take on from afar is the research that often comes along with a diagnosis. While you can’t go to every appointment or help them pick up their medication, you can offer help by researching good specialists to visit, where to find a convenient pharmacy, and seek out and interview potential caregivers. Often this is one of the most overwhelming elements of dealing with health challenges, and can sometimes be the difference between someone choosing whether or not to seek help. Researching websites and making phone calls can lighten the load for your parents, and help reduce a lot of the stress and anxiety that can accompany aging. 

If you do notice that your parents seem to be struggling a lot, especially with their mental health, then your first recommendation might be to visit Total Life, where they can access licensed therapists and counselors who have specific experience with older adults who are navigating issues such as grief, depression and difficult life transitions. 

Make the Most Out of Visits

While you might not be able to be with your parents all the time, you can certainly make good use out of your visits. While you’ll want to be sure to make time for good conversation and enjoyable outings when you see them, a visit is also a good time to take care of some of the more urgent matters that are too difficult to organize when you’re not around. Here are some things to think about:

• Changes to their home – as people age they might require modifications to their home due to decreased mobility or the use of a cane, walker or a wheelchair. If they still live independently then this might necessitate some changes to their living space. This might include installing ramps and handlebars throughout their home, and making certain spaces larger and more accessible. Of course this is not necessarily work that you can or even should do yourself, but might be something you can organize with a contractor, and if possible oversee. Sometimes the changes might not have to be as big, but could still be useful. This might look like having timed lights for a parent who is forgetful so that they’re not spending excess money on utilities, or smart appliances that can shut off automatically. Changes to your parents’ home might even just look like moving some items to another room, or putting together some furniture that’s just a little bit too complicated for them to do on their own. 
• Automatic payments – while setting up automatic payments for your bills might seem like a no brainer for you, for parents who grew up in a different generation, Tye Medical tells us that interacting with apps and technology in general might be completely overwhelming. Setting up automatic payments can help take the stress of keeping up to date with various bills off of your parents’ minds, and the knowledge that your parents are well taken care of will help you sleep better at night, too!
• Family/support network meetings – while it’s a good idea to always stay in touch with the agreed upon support network, a visit home is a great time to set up an in-person meeting so that all of you can discuss how things are going and figure out if there’s anything that’s missing. 
• Help with that big project. Have your parents been planning to redo that fence in the backyard, or need to go to the garden center to pick up soil for the garden? Even if your parents are still fairly independent, there might be some tasks that are too much for them to handle on their own. So, before you come out to visit, have them jot down a list of a few things they’d like help with so that you can make a plan to get them set up until the next time you’re able to stop by. 

A little note about going to visit your parents: It can be tempting to visit more often than you are capable of simply because you feel like you should be there. While it’s always nice to visit when you’re able, it won’t help anyone if you visit when you’re burnt out and overwhelmed. Instead, prioritize visiting only when you are able to commit the time and it won’t be a financial burden or a sacrifice to your work or family life. Look out for flight, train or bus deals, and make a solid plan on what your parents need help with so the visit doesn’t feel disorganized and hectic. That way you can give your all and really put your time to good use. Visits are great but all the other items on this list can be just as helpful as some of the things you’re able to do in person, so don’t forget that. 

Share Responsibility

Are you one of many? Are your other siblings putting in the same amount of effort as you are in terms of caring for your parents? If not, it’s probably time to have a conversation about how each of you can equally contribute. Of course, there are going to be some siblings who don’t care to put in the effort, or for a variety of reasons are not able to, but in some circumstances it may simply be that your sibling does not understand the severity of the situation and would be more than willing to help if they knew. 

Sibling dynamics can be tricky, and it can be easy to toss blame around and feel like someone else isn’t pulling their weight. However, nothing gets better if you don’t address it. If you feel like you’re carrying the weight of caring for your parents alone, then have an honest and judgement-free conversation with your siblings. Tell them your concerns and outline what you’ve been doing to care for your parents so far, and then together you can talk about how you can more equally share the load. Try to stay away from blame, as that’s likely to end in an argument. 

Unfortunately there will be some people who will not be able to provide the support you need, and that’s never an easy pill to swallow. But, it’s better you find that out now and find ways to accept and adapt to that, then live for years in anger and resentment, hoping they’ll step up. Have the conversation now and find out either way. You might be pleasantly surprised!

Care Plan

Because you’re not in town there will obviously be some tasks your parents need help with that you can not physically provide them with, but you can help them set up the support they do need. This might look like helping them to find a suitable caregiver who can help them with errands, cooking or personal hygiene. This might be helping them find a housekeeper or a gardener or a handyman who can come fix that wobbly stair. Often older adults just need help with a little bit of maintenance so that they don’t fall behind, and you can help facilitate that. Classic Life Care outlines some good things to think about when it comes to older adult care. 

Easy Emergency Call

Something that might cause concern for you when far from your parents is the fear that they might experience a fall or another emergency at their home and not be able to easily call for help. Well, thankfully, there are several devices that can help put you and your parents’ minds at ease. This might be something like a watch, a button on a lanyard, or a button that is easily accessible somewhere in the house. PCMag compiled an excellent list of devices for just this purpose that you can look through to find a good fit. 

Something else to consider is installing a home phone at your parents’ place if they don’t already have one. While a cellphone is a great way for them to stay connected wherever they are, a home phone is important in case of an emergency where they are unable to properly communicate or are experiencing panic. When you dial 911 from a home phone the operator is immediately given the correct address to send an ambulance to, something a cell phone can’t provide. This can make a big difference in a life or death situation.

At the end of the day, there’s always going to be some big feelings when dealing with aging parents. Remember, that very often the best support you can provide is simply a listening ear, and thankfully, you can do that no matter where you are in the world.