It’s never easy to watch the people we love suffer. It’s normal to want to offer help and support to our family and friends when we see them struggling, and accepting that help when it’s needed is an important function of society. There’s absolutely no shame in getting help, but unfortunately a lot of older adults have trouble accepting help, especially if it’s coming from their children. 

While this might be frustrating, try to put yourself in your mom or dad’s shoes. They’ve spent their lives being the grown up, the one that you can rely on, and now suddenly it’s you they have to rely on instead of the other way around. That can be a difficult pill to swallow, so many parents try to shut their children down and refuse help instead of accepting that they are growing older and that it’s natural for relationships to change with time. Northwestern Medicine lays out several other reasons why older adults might struggle to accept help as well, such as not wanting to be a burden, and fear of losing independence. 

With this thought in mind let’s look at the steps you should take if you find that your parents are being resistant to help. Hopefully with a bit of time they will change their mind, but if not, it’s important to do everything you can to still support them so that there is someone there for them whenever they might be in need. 

Listen

One of the best things you can do when you are in a disagreement with someone is to stop and listen to them, and really, truly listen. You probably mean well, but we can often become a little blinded when it comes to the people we love, and you might be so overcome with your desire to help that you have actually stopped paying attention to what your parents want and need. If your parents are refusing help then instead of getting angry and trying to force the issue, set aside some time to take them out for coffee and ask them how they’re feeling. You might discover that what you thought was a problem is actually not bothering them all that much, or that what they need help with is really something else. You might have seized upon an issue and just decided what they needed, instead of doing some real investigating. And, understandably it resulted in some push back. 

Most people just want to be heard, and your parents are no different. If you truly want to be of help to them, then ask how you can be, and hear them if they tell you that they’re actually doing OK. You can’t force someone to accept your help, even if you really believe that they need it. Plus, if you have an open and honest conversation you might find that your parents really are all right on their own. This is also a great opportunity to find out if there is anything that your parents do feel they need your help with. Think about your own life, hasn’t there been a time where you really needed a hand but then you were supported in the wrong way? That was probably super annoying! So, listen to your parents – you might be surprised by what they have to say. 

Provide Resources

Sometimes your parents might want to get help, but are too embarrassed to admit it to you. However, if this is the case then instead of constantly asking them if they need help, make sure that they have everything they need to be able to get the support they need, even if it means doing it in private. 

Consider making a list of resources for them. This might look like researching assisted living homes on sites such as A Place for Mom, or where to look to find a caregiver that can come to their home. It might look like researching personal trainers, dietitians, or therapists. Be as thorough as you can, and be sure to include important information such as who accepts Medicare and whether or not the therapist they’re looking into covers topics such as grief and depression.

It might be easier for your parents to seek help if they are given time and space on their own to look over their options, so give them everything they need to do that. Many older adults will likely prefer a folder with hard copies of these resources, but if you know they’re more likely to use an email then that is another good option. 

Bring in Backup

Just as your parents might need some help, you might need some help to get them that help. Try saying that five times fast! Your parents might not be super responsive if you’re the only person in their lives who are bringing up these issues, but if several other people voice similar concerns then it’s probably going to make it a bit harder for them to ignore. This doesn’t mean you need to stage a full-scale intervention, but sitting your parents down for a conversation with your siblings or a few of their trusted friends might be more impactful than if you were to bring up your worries on your own. 

The additional benefit to doing this is that you are also showing your parents that they have a strong support network, and it can also help put your mind at ease to know that there are other people who care just as deeply about your parents’ health.   

If you are planning to go this route then here are a few things to keep in mind:

• What are your major concerns – you don’t want to be searching for words when addressing your parents, so make sure you and everyone else know the points you want to cover
• What are some solutions – if your parents are open to getting help then they might not immediately want solutions, but it’s still a good idea to have an idea of what you think a good resolution is. It’s not particularly useful to bring up an issue but not offer any way of solving it. 
• How would your parents want you to approach this? Only bring this subject up in a place where your parents can feel comfortable and safe to express their feelings. This might look like bringing it up over dinner, while out for a walk, or through a goofy powerpoint. You know your parents the best, so you can devise the way in which it will be best received. 
• Anticipate that your parents might feel defensive. Allow space for them to express their hurt and anger, and then calmly reiterate the reason why you are having this conversation in the first place. 

There’s no reason why you should have to try to help your parents all on your own. Bring in the other members of their community to help.

Another Kind of Backup…

While the perfect scenario is of course your parent agreeing to get help, there are going to be some parents who simply won’t be budged. In that case, not only is it good to have backup, but it’s also good to have a backup…plan. 

If your parents refuse help you don’t want to be scrambling to find care providers when things start to go downhill. If you took the earlier advice of making a list of resources, then you’re already well on your way to having a good backup plan. A backup plan is a great thing to discuss with the rest of your parents’ network so that everybody is on the same page about what to do if one of your parents has an injury or is experiencing a dramatic reduction in their physical or cognitive abilities. Some people avoid making a backup plan because they don’t want to think about the unpleasant circumstances that would necessitate its use, but it’s going to be unpleasant either way…So, what do you think will be worse – things goings badly and having no plan, or things going badly and knowing exactly what your next move is?

Prioritize 

It may be true that your parents need help with many things, but it can also be true that not all of those things are going to be of equal importance right now. If you are finding your parents to be highly resistant to the idea of getting help, then it might be a good idea to only focus on the issue that is the most urgent. That doesn’t mean you forget about the other problems, but if your parent has a serious medical condition that they’re not getting treatment for, then that is a lot less pressing then them not being able to mow their lawn regularly anymore. Focus on the most urgent issue. Lay out all of your concerns, and tell your parents exactly what is likely to happen if they leave the matter unaddressed. Be patient but persistent, and don’t allow yourself to be distracted by the other matters that you feel your parents need help with. Sometimes people might refuse help because they’re overwhelmed with all of the things in their lives that they feel are spiraling out of control. By narrowing the issue down to one thing it might make it feel easier to tackle. Then, once that matter is being attended to you can go down the list of items one by one. 

Be Honest

It can be easy to place blame on others, and tell your parents how irresponsible they’re being with their lives. It’s a lot harder to be vulnerable enough to talk about how upsetting it is to see your own parents growing older and being unable to care for themselves in the way they used to. But, even though it’s hard, that vulnerability might be the key to getting your parents to finally accept some help. 

People tend to respond a lot better to kindness and vulnerability than they do to anger. As Mindful Health Solutions tells us, honesty is especially important for building trust. Try sitting your parents down and telling them how scared you are about their failing health. Talk about all the things you fear you’ll miss with them if they don’t accept help. This isn’t about guilt tripping them, but about being truly honest about your fears. Why are you so worried about your parents, and what are they risking? Do they love being active, but they’re not treating a health condition like diabetes that could result in them being unable to continue to do the activities they love? Are they engaging in unhealthy habits that could mean they die before they are able to have a relationship with their grandchildren? Do they have failing eyesight that is making driving dangerous to themselves and others, but they are refusing to give up their license? There are so many valid concerns to have about your parents getting older, but each case is going to be unique. Be honest about what it is that is concerning you. Make sure you’re coming at it from a place of love and compassion. This is about you wanting to make sure you have more time with them, and that they get to keep on living a vibrant and enjoyable life for as long as possible. Sometimes people just need to be shown something in a different frame for them to really see it. 

Find Acceptance

Sometimes, you’ll do everything you can to support your parents, and they simply will not accept it. While we never want that to be the outcome, at a certain point there’s nothing more that you can do. Remind your parents periodically that you’ll always be there if they need you, but aside from that, sometimes you’ll just have to let it go and find a way to accept the situation. Although it can be challenging, finding acceptance can actually lower stress and increase happiness, as outlined by Psychology Today. 

You might also consider putting up boundaries around how you will interact with your parents. If they are not willing to get help for a medical condition, then you aren’t willing to discuss it with them. If they won’t get a caregiver to help them with some of their more sensitive needs, then you are not going to help them bathe. It can be difficult to put up these boundaries, but they are necessary to avoid additional pain if your parents are refusing to change. Seeking out the help of your loved ones and a professional therapist is very useful in these situations. 

It’s always challenging when your parents refuse to get help, but just know that you are not alone. Many other adult children are struggling with this exact same issue. And, determined as you may be, it wouldn’t be out of this world to imagine that you might be just as stubborn and headstrong several decades down the line. It’s hard to come to terms with all the changes that come with aging, and some people just need a bit more time to adjust. With these tips, hopefully the process can move a little bit more smoothly. 

It’s common for adult children to take on some degree of caregiving for their parents as they grow older. For some children it’s their way of giving thanks for all the support their parents provided to them throughout their lives. But, for children who live far away, figuring out how they can offer support to their parents without being physically present can often be difficult and distressing. It can be easy to feel like you’re not providing any support to your parents, and quickly become overcome with guilt. 

Thankfully, there are many ways you can support your parents as they age, even if you live several states away. If you’re reading this then it’s already obvious how much you care, and for older adults, knowing that they have a network of people to support them is incredibly important. The following are some tips on how to navigate caring for your parents when you live far away from them. 

Regular Check-Ins

There are so many ways to provide care to others. While it might seem like caregiving is all about being there to offer support with daily tasks, so much of a caregiver’s role is about companionship. Older adults often struggle with loneliness and depression, as they may have lost their spouse or community members, or have recently moved into new housing in a new neighborhood. The Mayo Clinic outlines how crucial socialization is for mental and physical health, which is why staying in regular contact with your parents is a great way to support their needs, even if you can’t be there in person. You can call via phone or video chat, and also remind them you’re thinking of them through email and text message. While the latter two shouldn’t be the sole method of communication, but it can be a great way to maintain contact during the week just to let them know that you’re thinking about them. It’s also a nice way to share photos and videos, and also give older adults who are less comfortable with technology a stress-free opportunity to practice interacting with their devices. 

Routine can be very important for older adults, so it’s helpful if you are able to arrange a call at the same time each week. If not, then making an effort to find a good time for your next call at the end of the previous one is also a good option. 

During check-ins make sure to ask about any changes to your parents’ physical and mental health and find out if there’s anything they are in immediate need of. This might look like helping them prepare for a doctor’s appointment or writing down a grocery list. However, while it’s important to check in about their immediate needs, don’t forget to also use this time to simply catch up and talk about joyful activities in their lives and things they’re looking forward to. This is a chance for you to connect with them in a meaningful way which again, is needed to help keep loneliness at bay. People want to know they are important and that they are on someone else’s mind. That’s a powerful way to be there for your parents – don’t underestimate that. 

Set Up a Support Network

A good way to support your parents and also put your mind at ease is to make sure they have a support network in place in case of an emergency. This might look like having a friend, neighbor or other family member check in on your parents in person at regular intervals, to make sure they’re doing OK. It’s also a good idea to have a list of any medical professionals or close friends you should contact in case you suspect they need help or you aren’t able to get ahold of them. 

Not only is this a good list for you to have, but it’s also helpful for your parents to think about the people in their lives who they can rely on, or help them build up a stronger support network if it’s feeling a little feeble. Sometimes we can forget to foster those relationships, so aging can be a good reminder of how important it is to maintain a robust support system. 

Offer Research 

If your parents are dealing with health issues, something that you can take on from afar is the research that often comes along with a diagnosis. While you can’t go to every appointment or help them pick up their medication, you can offer help by researching good specialists to visit, where to find a convenient pharmacy, and seek out and interview potential caregivers. Often this is one of the most overwhelming elements of dealing with health challenges, and can sometimes be the difference between someone choosing whether or not to seek help. Researching websites and making phone calls can lighten the load for your parents, and help reduce a lot of the stress and anxiety that can accompany aging. 

If you do notice that your parents seem to be struggling a lot, especially with their mental health, then your first recommendation might be to visit Total Life, where they can access licensed therapists and counselors who have specific experience with older adults who are navigating issues such as grief, depression and difficult life transitions. 

Make the Most Out of Visits

While you might not be able to be with your parents all the time, you can certainly make good use out of your visits. While you’ll want to be sure to make time for good conversation and enjoyable outings when you see them, a visit is also a good time to take care of some of the more urgent matters that are too difficult to organize when you’re not around. Here are some things to think about:

• Changes to their home – as people age they might require modifications to their home due to decreased mobility or the use of a cane, walker or a wheelchair. If they still live independently then this might necessitate some changes to their living space. This might include installing ramps and handlebars throughout their home, and making certain spaces larger and more accessible. Of course this is not necessarily work that you can or even should do yourself, but might be something you can organize with a contractor, and if possible oversee. Sometimes the changes might not have to be as big, but could still be useful. This might look like having timed lights for a parent who is forgetful so that they’re not spending excess money on utilities, or smart appliances that can shut off automatically. Changes to your parents’ home might even just look like moving some items to another room, or putting together some furniture that’s just a little bit too complicated for them to do on their own. 
• Automatic payments – while setting up automatic payments for your bills might seem like a no brainer for you, for parents who grew up in a different generation, Tye Medical tells us that interacting with apps and technology in general might be completely overwhelming. Setting up automatic payments can help take the stress of keeping up to date with various bills off of your parents’ minds, and the knowledge that your parents are well taken care of will help you sleep better at night, too!
• Family/support network meetings – while it’s a good idea to always stay in touch with the agreed upon support network, a visit home is a great time to set up an in-person meeting so that all of you can discuss how things are going and figure out if there’s anything that’s missing. 
• Help with that big project. Have your parents been planning to redo that fence in the backyard, or need to go to the garden center to pick up soil for the garden? Even if your parents are still fairly independent, there might be some tasks that are too much for them to handle on their own. So, before you come out to visit, have them jot down a list of a few things they’d like help with so that you can make a plan to get them set up until the next time you’re able to stop by. 

A little note about going to visit your parents: It can be tempting to visit more often than you are capable of simply because you feel like you should be there. While it’s always nice to visit when you’re able, it won’t help anyone if you visit when you’re burnt out and overwhelmed. Instead, prioritize visiting only when you are able to commit the time and it won’t be a financial burden or a sacrifice to your work or family life. Look out for flight, train or bus deals, and make a solid plan on what your parents need help with so the visit doesn’t feel disorganized and hectic. That way you can give your all and really put your time to good use. Visits are great but all the other items on this list can be just as helpful as some of the things you’re able to do in person, so don’t forget that. 

Share Responsibility

Are you one of many? Are your other siblings putting in the same amount of effort as you are in terms of caring for your parents? If not, it’s probably time to have a conversation about how each of you can equally contribute. Of course, there are going to be some siblings who don’t care to put in the effort, or for a variety of reasons are not able to, but in some circumstances it may simply be that your sibling does not understand the severity of the situation and would be more than willing to help if they knew. 

Sibling dynamics can be tricky, and it can be easy to toss blame around and feel like someone else isn’t pulling their weight. However, nothing gets better if you don’t address it. If you feel like you’re carrying the weight of caring for your parents alone, then have an honest and judgement-free conversation with your siblings. Tell them your concerns and outline what you’ve been doing to care for your parents so far, and then together you can talk about how you can more equally share the load. Try to stay away from blame, as that’s likely to end in an argument. 

Unfortunately there will be some people who will not be able to provide the support you need, and that’s never an easy pill to swallow. But, it’s better you find that out now and find ways to accept and adapt to that, then live for years in anger and resentment, hoping they’ll step up. Have the conversation now and find out either way. You might be pleasantly surprised!

Care Plan

Because you’re not in town there will obviously be some tasks your parents need help with that you can not physically provide them with, but you can help them set up the support they do need. This might look like helping them to find a suitable caregiver who can help them with errands, cooking or personal hygiene. This might be helping them find a housekeeper or a gardener or a handyman who can come fix that wobbly stair. Often older adults just need help with a little bit of maintenance so that they don’t fall behind, and you can help facilitate that. Classic Life Care outlines some good things to think about when it comes to older adult care. 

Easy Emergency Call

Something that might cause concern for you when far from your parents is the fear that they might experience a fall or another emergency at their home and not be able to easily call for help. Well, thankfully, there are several devices that can help put you and your parents’ minds at ease. This might be something like a watch, a button on a lanyard, or a button that is easily accessible somewhere in the house. PCMag compiled an excellent list of devices for just this purpose that you can look through to find a good fit. 

Something else to consider is installing a home phone at your parents’ place if they don’t already have one. While a cellphone is a great way for them to stay connected wherever they are, a home phone is important in case of an emergency where they are unable to properly communicate or are experiencing panic. When you dial 911 from a home phone the operator is immediately given the correct address to send an ambulance to, something a cell phone can’t provide. This can make a big difference in a life or death situation.

At the end of the day, there’s always going to be some big feelings when dealing with aging parents. Remember, that very often the best support you can provide is simply a listening ear, and thankfully, you can do that no matter where you are in the world. 

It’s normal for seniors to require some extra help as they age. This might be due to decreased mobility, a chronic illness, or simply because certain tasks are a little bit more difficult than they used to be. While some seniors are aware of their limitations and prepare for them or respond to them in the moment, there are others who are not as quick to reach out for help. This could be because of embarrassment, shame, denial, or, in the case of a cognitive condition, not even realizing there’s an issue that needs attention in the first place. 

That’s why it’s important as an adult child of aging parents to know some of the signs to look out for when the time comes for your mom or dad to think about getting some support or moving into an assisted living facility. Today, let’s go over seven of the most common indications that your mom or dad might need a little bit of help. 

Spending More Time Alone

Was your parent previously a social butterfly, and now more often or not they turn down an invitation to go out? This could be a sign that their health is failing and they need some support. While everyone needs some time to recharge now and then, too much time alone can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness, which, as the National Institute on Aging points out, can lead to serious health issues such as depression, heart disease and cognitive decline. 

There are many reasons for why your mom or dad might suddenly be going out less. This might be due to mobility issues, if they are dealing with an injury, or because of a condition like arthritis that can make certain movements painful. They could also be struggling with the loss of their spouse or a dear friend. Grief can be completely destabilizing and make it difficult to go about one’s daily routine. 

Lack of interest in going out might also signal that your mom or dad is already struggling with depression or another mental health issue that makes them uncomfortable or unenthusiastic about the idea of going out. Socializing might cause undue stress, so they feel like it will simply be easier to stay home. They might also be noticing signs of cognitive decline and be too embarrassed to admit it, so they avoid seeing other people so that they don’t need to address any awkward questions. 

Now don’t jump to conclusions if your mom or dad declines one or two invitations. It’s healthy to spend time on your own, and as we age we might naturally prioritize more meaningful relationships and spend less time with larger groups in favor of smaller gatherings. But if you notice that your parent is frequently on their own, and seems to be avoiding time with you and other loved ones, then it might be a good idea to have a conversation with them to find out what’s going on. 

Things Are Getting Messy 

Everyone leaves a dirty dish in the sink from time to time, but have you noticed that things have seemed unusually messy at your parent’s house? This might present as crumbs all over the floor, stains on their clothing, or a lot of buildup in their shower and toilet. You also might notice that their bedroom is in disarray with a lot of clothes that haven’t been laundered, and several tasks around the house and property left undone, like an overflowing garbage or a lawn that is in desperate need of mowing. 

This is often the sign of a senior who is no longer capable of keeping up with their daily household tasks, perhaps due to mental or physical limitations. It might hurt their back or knees to bend down, or, perhaps they are too tired or depressed to do the chores needed to keep their house looking clean and comfortable. 

Noticing a change in your parent’s cleanliness is often not just about their house, as well. Sadly, many seniors who are having a hard time with their mental or physical health also struggle with maintaining their personal hygiene. This might look like not showering, trouble with wiping after using the toilet, forgetting or being unable to clip their nails, and letting their hair tangle until it might be completely unbrushable on their own. 

Again, many of these issues might be due to physical struggles that cause certain activities to be simply too painful, and your parent might be so embarrassed by this that they choose to let the matter get out of hand rather than reach out for help. It could also be the result of mental health struggles, and, in some cases, might be a sign of failing eyesight, and your mom or dad might not even notice how messy their house has gotten. 

Once again, it’s always good to sit down and talk with your mom or dad before assuming the worst. They might have been busy with something and simply fallen behind on housekeeping, or this might be a great opportunity to find out how you can help. Although sometimes this issue might indicate that they need extensive support, such as through a care home, oftentimes they might just benefit by having a few tasks taken off their plate. This might look like hiring a gardener or a housekeeper to come in once a week so they don’t need to worry about doing tasks that are too painful and difficult for them. 

What was that? Oh yes, I remember…

Has your parent seemed forgetful lately? This sign can be a little bit tricky to navigate, because, as much as you probably don’t want to hear it, it’s perfectly normal for our memories to weaken with age. Memory loss and brain fog can also be attributed to many medical conditions, as well as menopause, where a staggering 50% of women mentioned memory loss as being one of the worst symptoms. 

However, while forgetfulness from certain conditions passes, at other times it could signal the start of serious cognitive conditions such as dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. These diseases, while not curable, are important to catch as early as possible, as this can help with treatment of unpleasant symptoms, and help to make the patient experiencing it as comfortable as possible as they navigate these difficult diagnoses. 

So, if you notice your parent forgets the name of the remote control or who your elementary best friend was once in a blue moon, it’s probably nothing to worry about. But, if they are constantly searching for words, forgetting important events like birthdays or graduations and missing appointments then it’s important that you suggest they visit a doctor for testing. Even if it’s not something serious, it’s always worthwhile getting memory issues looked at as soon as possible. 

Mood Swings

Another common sign of a senior who is struggling with something is that you might notice them display some unusual behavior or emotions. This might look like them becoming very quiet or withdrawn when historically they’ve been friendly and outgoing. It might look like them getting angry for seemingly no reason and being mean and even offensive to others. While everyone has their moments, if your mom or dad is having a lot of emotional outbursts and are acting in a way that is unusual for them, it’s probably something you want to get looked at. 

Sometimes mood swings and sudden emotional changes are issues that can be addressed by a mental health therapist, or even a little bit of support from a loved one. This may be happening because your parent is struggling with all the changes happening in their life, and they aren’t quite ready to accept their changing body and mind. They might be angry at their physical and mental limitations and instead of doing the work to adjust to their new circumstances, they take it out on the people around them.

Another possible reason for emotional outbursts is due to confusion brought on by a cognitive disease like Alzheimer’s, so it’s always good to pay attention to any emotional changes in your parents. 

Inconsistency

Inconsistency might look like your parent missing doses of their important medication, or frequently missing appointments. While this might connect with memory issues, it might also be connected to poor mental health, as it’s common for people struggling with depression, anxiety or addiction issues to have trouble staying on track with a schedule. 

All of these signs are just little hints that your parent might need a hand. Quite often all they need is a bit of support or more frequent visits. But you don’t want to let something important slip by, so always be sure to bring up a concern when you notice something is different. 

Unexplained Bruise and Injuries 

Everyone gets an unexplained bruise from time to time. You might have a vague memory of walking into the corner of a counter or stubbing your toe, but you got distracted and forgot about it. That’s totally normal and an occasional small bruise or scratch with no explanation is not generally cause for concern. However, if you notice that you parent consistently seems to have bruises, cuts or other injuries with no good explanation for how they happened, then you should sit up and pay attention. 

Unexplained bruises could mean several different things, but one of the most common reasons is that they happened due to falls. Each year, 1 out of 4 seniors in the United States experiences a fall, but, according to the CDC, less than half of those falls are reported to doctors. 

Falls cause thousands of hospitalizations, traumatic brain injuries, and even deaths. It’s a serious injury for seniors, who often struggle with their mobility along with a loss of bone density. Seniors often struggle to recover as quickly as a younger person, which often results in further restriction to their movement. If falls are the culprit behind the bruises then it may be that your parent feels to ashamed to admit that they have been falling, but continuing to keep it a secret could lead to serious consequences. 

Another reason for bruises could be an undiagnosed medical condition, such as a blood clotting disorder. Of course, as with any medical condition, it’s always good to attend to it as soon as possible.

While there’s definitely often explanations for bruises or injuries, there’s one final explanation that you should be concerned about. Elder abuse is unfortunately much more common that you would probably like to admit. In fact, a study by the World Health Organization in 28 countries found that 1 in 6 seniors experienced some form of abuse in a community setting each year. This might come from a spouse, a friend, a nurse, or even a fellow care worker. While it’s never nice to think about, it’s important to immediately take action if you believe the senior you care for is experiencing any kind of abuse, either physical or emotional. Even some of the other signs on this list, such as mood swings, could be attributed to abuse, so be sure to keep an eye out if you have any suspicions.

Sudden Change in Diet

If you notice an abrupt change in your parent’s appetite or weight, then it could be a sign they need some help. People dealing with anxiety or depression might completely lose their appetite, or suddenly find themselves stuffing themselves with food out of comfort. And sudden, unexplained weight loss or gain could be the result of an undiagnosed medical condition that needs immediate attention. 

Addressing someone’s diet or weight is often a sensitive subject, so make sure to be thoughtful when addressing the issue. Make it clear that you’re not coming from a place of judgement, but concern. And, remember, it’s normal for everyone’s weight to fluctuate by a few pounds here and there. But, if you notice a dramatic change from their usual appearance or appetite, then it’s worth having a quick, kind check in to make sure they’re doing OK. 

This isn’t an exhaustive list of how to notice signs that your parent needs help. Seniors are constantly going through major life transitions as they age, and they will probably need help in many different ways as they deal with these new challenges. A good rule of thumb is to always listen to your own gut. You know your mom and dad – you’ve grown up with them all your life. If you feel like something is off, then trust that feeling and do some investigating. It can sometimes be hard for children to accept that their parents are aging, and they might avoid the topic as much as their parents do, but it’s important to keep your eyes open. If you catch an issue early then you have more time to fix it, which quite often means more years with your parents, and that is always worth it.

There are countless benefits to owning a pet as a senior. Take a look at some of our other articles, or the linked one above from AgingCare, and you’ll see that pets can lower stress, improve immune systems, foster relationships and help you build routine. However, while many people dream of owning a dog, cat, or other adorable companion, there are some downsides to caring for an animal. While there are certainly pros and cons to everything in life, it’s important to figure out if the bad outweighs the good when making an important decision like whether or not to welcome an animal into your home. 

Cost

Of course, one of the biggest considerations to make when thinking about pet ownership is the commitment you are making financially. Pets are expensive. While you might think you’re just going to be paying for some food and a few toys, even that can be pricey, and at the end of the day, there’s a lot more to owning a pet than simply buying it some food. Let’s use the costs associated with a dog, as an example:

• Food

The cost of food can vary widely, as outlined on The Dog Stop. And, while $600 a year might not seem too prohibitive, that’s provided that your dog is able to tolerate, and is interested in, the lowest quality food available. Plus, the size of your dog is also going to determine how much they eat. The reality is that many dog owners end up shelling out for much more expensive varieties in order to keep their dogs healthy and happy. Some dogs even have certain health conditions that require them to eat highly specialized diets, even more costly than the ones outlined in the link above. There’s no guarantee your dog will be able to eat the most cost-effective food, so it’s not something you can rely on. 

• Training

Whether you’re getting a puppy or an adult dog, it’s very likely that they will need to visit a trainer. While this is an important part of owning a dog and will make your life much easier, it can definitely cost you. Depending on the needs of your dog, expect to spend several hundred dollars.

• Toys

Dogs are smart, and, just like humans, they need activities to keep them entertained. While you don’t need to buy your dog everything under the sun, buying toys is not just a one and done situation. It’s natural for dogs to chew their toys apart, which means constant replacement. You can opt for more expensive toys that last longer, or cheaper ones that last for less time, but either way you’ll probably spend the same. 

• Supplies

Dogs need items like food and drink bowls and beds. Depending on where you live they might also require boots for outside, raincoats or cooling vests. You’ll also want to have at least one high quality leash and collar. While these items might last you a bit longer, they are still a lump sum payment that can be difficult for some people to manage. 

• Registration

Most states require you to register your dog and pay a fee for a tag. While this isn’t usually a large cost, it’s still a cost to consider each year. If you don’t register your pet you could face a steep fine. 

• Dog Sitting

Dogs require frequent walks and lots of attention, so if you are going away on a trip, or even if you’re gone for long stretches during the day, you’re going to need to employ the services of a dogsitter, dog walker, or kennel. While the occasional walk might be affordable, long term or specialized care can quickly add up. 

• Vet Fees and Insurance

Nobody wants to think about their animal getting sick, but an unexpected illness or injury is one of the easiest ways for pet owners to go into debt or end up with the unthinkable decision of having to surrender or euthanize their pet. Costs for surgery, medication, exams and other associated costs can easily go into the thousands. And, while pet insurance is always a very good idea, many owners forgo it because of the highly monthly fees that are often a couple of hundred for comprehensive coverage. However, don’t forget that preexisting conditions aren’t covered, and there may be some other exceptions to coverage based on your dog’s age breed. Plus, even if you have good coverage, there’s also a deductible to pay, plus the cost of lost time during your day and getting your pet to and from the vet. 

Of course, not every pet will incur the same costs as a dog, but you might be surprised at just how expensive even the smallest animal can be. And, if you’re thinking about adopting an animal then you should ideally aim to give it the best life possible. It might be tempting to just place a fish in a bowl, but even a goldfish deserves to have a proper water tank with plants, frequently changed and treated water, and places to hide like a pirate ship ornament. If you’re already planning on how inexpensively you can keep a pet, then having one is probably not the right choice for you.

Energy

Not only is a pet expensive, but they require a whole lot of energy! Dogs need frequent walks, cats need to be entertained with play, and even if your pet isn’t something that requires walks, you’ll still have to make sure you’re cleaning their living area regularly, which can be a workout in itself! 

We know how important exercise is, and the truth is that the exercise demanded by an animal can often be very beneficial for a senior’s health. However, it’s important to consider what the needs of the prospective pet are, and whether or not you’ll be able to meet them. Daily walks might not be something you are physically capable of, and, even if you are, are you interested in three walks a day, because that might be what your pet needs! You should also think about your physical abilities when it comes to the size of your pet. Are you able to lift them if they become injured or confrontational with another animal? Again, this is not to scare you off, but just make you think about some of the realities of pet ownership. If you have hesitation, then fostering an animal might be a great option. It gives you a chance to get to know an animal before committing to it, so you can be sure that you have found a pet that you can adequately care for. You might be surprised at how energetic some animals can be. Even aside from exercise you might find their energy overstimulating and disruptive to your lifestyle. 

Difficult to Find Housing

While lots of people like animals, they don’t always like animals in their space. Unfortunately this means that finding housing that accepts pets can be very difficult for renters, making the housing market that much smaller. If you think it’s likely you might move in the near future, this is something you’ll want to consider when thinking about getting a pet. You don’t want to be forced into a housing situation that’s too expensive simply because you have a pet, and it’s unfair to the animal if you have to give them up because they’re not welcome in your new home. While of course unexpected situations come up, such as illness, that’s unfortunately something that should be considered as you age. Do you have a plan in place if you’re suddenly in a position where you can no longer keep your pet? Seniors go through so many life transitions, and being forced to give up a pet can cause a lot of stress and anxiety. Sometimes the better option is making the choice to avoid pet ownership altogether. 

Saying Goodbye

Many people outlive their pets, as most animals have a shorter lifespan than humans. While the joy of having a pet often outweighs the grief that might accompany their passing, it’s still something to think about. If you are already dealing with fragile mental health and have been through a lot of grief, is a pet something you are emotionally able to take on? 

On the flip side, you want to consider your lifespan and health in relation to the pet. Most pets get extremely attached to their owners, and can experience grief themselves if parted from them. Is there a plan for where your pet will go if you should happen to pass before them? It might sound morbid, but this is all part of getting your affairs in order as you age. Thinking about these difficult scenarios can help you feel at peace knowing that there’s a plan in place for the animal you care for. 

Restricts Your Freedom

While having a pet can be incredibly rewarding, it also requires a lot of adjustments to your lifestyle. You can’t leave pets alone all day, as it can lead to distress for the animal, and sometimes even result in destruction to your living space. This means you have to plan your outings around your pet and when they need company or walks or time outside to pee. It also means you can’t as easily plan a weekend away or go on an extended vacation. You need to make sure you have a suitable pet sitter, which might be expensive or even unavailable. Animals can greatly enhance your quality of life, but if you’re someone who likes being able to do whatever they want whenever they want then a pet might not fit in very well with that lifestyle. 

Animals Can Spread Disease

Even if you’re the most diligent petowner, there’s still a chance that your pet could pick up a virus, parasite, or even bring home a tick! As the CDC says, sometimes animals can even appear perfectly healthy while carrying a disease that is spreadable. Obviously nobody wants to get sick from their pet, but seniors are even more susceptible due to their vulnerable immune systems. 

Allergies

Speaking of immune systems, did you know that you can develop an allergy to your pet even if you haven’t experienced pet allergies before? Again, this might be more likely to happen to someone who is older and has a weakened immune system. If you have not experienced allergies before and are set on getting a pet then the possibility of this happening shouldn’t stop you, but it’s still something to consider when weighing all the pros and cons. No one wants to be sniffling and feeling exhausted day in and day out because of the dander from their pet!

More Cleaning

Have you ever walked into someone’s house and instantly known that they have a cat? This is likely due to someone not doing frequent enough cleanings of their cat’s litter box…ew. But sadly, a lot of people don’t clean up after their pet as often as they should. Pets require clean cages, bedding, litter boxes, scooped doo doo out on a walk….you name it. If you’re already someone who doesn’t enjoy cleaning up after themselves then will you really enjoy cleaning up after a pet? Unclean animal environments can result in unpleasant smells and even serious health hazards, so it’s something you should definitely think about before getting a pet!

It’s Risky

Did you know that over 80,000 people fall over their pets in the United States every year? Yes, you read that number right. Pets can easily get in the way of their owners and create a tripping hazard that could lead to serious injury or even death. And, because the CDC shows us that falls are the leading cause of injury for seniors each year, you can imagine that having a pet might dramatically increase the chances of having a fall. While of course it’s never intentional, it’s a scary reality, especially for seniors who might have limited mobility or vision. 

Could Impact Sleep

One of the often touted benefits of having an animal is that an animal can help you build routine. But what if your animal’s routine is walking up at 4:30 in the morning, or deciding to zoom around your room at midnight? An animal moving around your home or making noise can seriously disrupt sleep, which as we all know can have detrimental effects on your health.

Tense Relationship With Neighbors

If you have a pet that makes a lot of noise or is aggressive, then it might cause tension in your relationship with your neighbors. They might get angry at a barking dog, a squawking bird or a cat that is constantly scratching the floors. Even if you work to train your animal, you don’t know quite how long that will take, and the stress could build up significantly in the meantime. 

There are so many rewarding aspects to having a pet, but it’s always important to be prepared. If you are aware of all of these downsides to having a pet but feel confident that the decision is right for you then you will likely be an amazing pet owner. But if any of these points cause you to pause, then maybe you should aim to spend more time volunteering with animals or offer to walk your friend’s dog. That way you get all the benefits of pet interaction without all the commitment, and that sounds pretty good, right?